it all falls down
I feel like my whole life has fallen apart in a week. I feel like i've lost everything that made up my life. But on the other hand, I feel like I'm getting my life together. I think Cory and Stephanie were really unhealthy for me between the lack of exercise and the smoking. I have started spending more time with anne and that's been great. I'm petrafied to go back to school in the fall, but sort of excited at the same time. I feel like Dan gave me a wierd sense of confidence with the opposite sex. He said a few times that he was worried I would start school and find someone else and want to 'experience' other guys. Although I'm still not thinking about other guys at all, I'm hoping that by the fall he'll be right and I'll do just that. I've started talking to Julie again, which is wierd. Our friendship has always been really wierd. We go like a year without saying a thing then one day one of us just im's or calls the other and we talk all the time. I want to try to go bar hopping with her this weekend, we'll see...she requires a lot of energy so I might not be up for it. I'm also worried that she's all about boys and I'm just not. I still only want to be with Dan even though it just doesn't make sense because of the distance and circumstances.
My outlook on things just keeps changing day to day and week to week. Part of me is excited to pull myself together, but the other thinks I'm missing something. Cory and Steph have gotten really nasty with this whole moving thing and honestly, I didn't want the friendship to end, but after the message I got from them today, even if they apologize, I don't think I want to associate with people like that. I mean, when Anne moved out, I think everyone was hurt and angry and sad. But the whole time, I never even contemplated "washing my hands" of the friendship. I didn't want to get caught up in the moment of hurt and stop thinking about all the really really good fun times we had together once. Maybe it's possible to recover, maybe not, but I wanted to leave the door open. Cory and Stephanie have chosen not to do that, which is sad because I thought I knew them better and I obviously don't. I feel like they're just ganging up on me..like a mob-mentality sort of thing. I just want my life back. I want to stop having panic attacks and nasty messages. I want quality friends in my life that will never just cut things off like Dan, Cory and Steph did. Anne and Marty are two people that would never do that. That's a quality human being. I'm just so hurt by everyone, I guess I'm just feeling super cinical.
ugh. I miss natalie, too, as if all this other crap wasn't enough. she's so far away. sometimes i miss her so much I cry about it. I want her back here so bad. I want my circle back.
My outlook on things just keeps changing day to day and week to week. Part of me is excited to pull myself together, but the other thinks I'm missing something. Cory and Steph have gotten really nasty with this whole moving thing and honestly, I didn't want the friendship to end, but after the message I got from them today, even if they apologize, I don't think I want to associate with people like that. I mean, when Anne moved out, I think everyone was hurt and angry and sad. But the whole time, I never even contemplated "washing my hands" of the friendship. I didn't want to get caught up in the moment of hurt and stop thinking about all the really really good fun times we had together once. Maybe it's possible to recover, maybe not, but I wanted to leave the door open. Cory and Stephanie have chosen not to do that, which is sad because I thought I knew them better and I obviously don't. I feel like they're just ganging up on me..like a mob-mentality sort of thing. I just want my life back. I want to stop having panic attacks and nasty messages. I want quality friends in my life that will never just cut things off like Dan, Cory and Steph did. Anne and Marty are two people that would never do that. That's a quality human being. I'm just so hurt by everyone, I guess I'm just feeling super cinical.
ugh. I miss natalie, too, as if all this other crap wasn't enough. she's so far away. sometimes i miss her so much I cry about it. I want her back here so bad. I want my circle back.