Crack fic "Sure Thing" (Snape/Harry, not smut)
Title: Sure Thing
Author: Flora, though it is completely the fault of cordelia_v
Words: ~900
Pairing: Snarry
Genre: CRACK
Warnings: CRACK and alarming attire
A/N: See, she said she could even work Snape into a post about car-washing, and this just HAPPENED. *facepalm*
Sure Thing
Making the wager had been a phenomenally bad idea.
Doing it while drunk and agreeing to a vow that made him unable to not meet the terms had been an even worse idea.
Merlin.
He should have at least checked in the brat's head to make sure it really wasn't a--what had he called it? A sure thing?
Obviously, he was slipping, in his old age.
Which was completely fucked, what with only being thirty-nine. Severus Snape, old before his time and reduced to great indignity. It was just as well they were at Potter's home, which wasn't in London, nor in any wizarding area.
At least he was providing entertainment, and as long as the miscreant was entertained, he could spend the time it took to do this mindless task plotting his revenge.
He squeezed the sponge viciously and watched soapy foam spatter onto the top of the Muggle car--and why the hell Harry Potter had a car was a mystery to him, though he wouldn't put it past him to have bought one specifically for the occasion.
It wasn't as though he didn't have the money.
He squeezed the sponge harder; Potter's inherited wealth was one of a number of topics that made him annoyed.
The yellow polka-dot contraption he was wearing, which was currently making inroads between his arse-cheeks, was definitely another. Whoever had invented the "bikini" was clearly a sadist.
"You missed a spot," Potter shouted, pointing.
Severus glared, a look that should, were the world a fair and equitable place, have reduced the boy to a pile of smoldering ash right where he sat.
The basic unfairness of the world was a circumstance to which he was accustomed.
This didn't stop his wishing.
"I shall see to it in a moment," he said, pulling the slender strap of his top--and why Potter had made him wear the "bra" half he was sure he didn't know, but it was just as annoying as the arsecrack-crawling half, with the falling straps and bunchy front bits--and resisting the urge to yank at the bottoms.
"Of course you shall," Potter agreed, taking a sip of his drink. He was sitting there with a cocktail on a lounge chair and absurd great dark glasses, watching. "It's part of the deal."
"I hate you."
"Sorry. At least I didn't make you do it in Diagon Alley. I could have, you know."
Severus stopped, considering. Good lord. The terms had been loose enough for that. "You probably just didn't think of it in time," he finally retorted.
"No, I did. I just wanted you to myself."
Severus stopped and turned. "You …wanted me to. What the bloody fuck does that mean? Why would you wish not to impose my humiliation on everyone in the long sodding reach of your undeserved fame?"
The boy just shrugged and waved a hand back at the car.
Severus sighed and turned back, rubbing the soapy sponge over the missed spot over the front wheel.
He was startled when there was a touch on the skin of his back.
"Potter! What are you--"
"Think you're burning. That won't do." He pulled a bottle of something from his back pocket and commenced rubbing slippery lotion all over Severus's back.
Severus flinched away and turned, moving backward until he tripped and sprawled back, which, given the arse-exploring outfit and the gravel bits in the area on which the car was parked, felt quite painful. He growled.
And then, something inexplicable happened.
No, really inexplicable, not like the rest of this absurd adventure.
Potter used his wand--he never used his wand, not since the war--to lift him and gently took him in the house, then extracted the pieces of rock that had embedded themselves, then rinsed off the nasty lotion and applied cool healing salve, then helped him to stretch out on his belly on a soft bed in a quiet green room.
He didn't say anything.
And neither did Severus, at first because part of the terms of the bet was that he not curse the winner, and then because having someone care for him gently was …nice.
Finally, as the salve did its work, he rolled over. "Potter."
"Sorry. I didn't mean for you to be injured."
"You didn't…" Severus paused. "What did you intend?"
Potter blushed.
What the hell was going on?"
"I, um. See, I thought if we were both, um. Sort of minimally dressed, maybe an opportunity would, um. Present itself, and I could…" He trailed off. "Sorry. It was stupid."
He turned and left the room.
Severus stared after him, then slowly smiled.
Clearly, he was going to have to come up with another bet to lose. Just to see where this was going, of course.
Well. And to go there.
He wasn't handsome, but he also wasn't stupid. If the boy was inclined to offer…
He looked down at the offending suit.
And had an idea.
He could simply take the miserable thing off and go ask for something else to wear.
That would be an opportunity, presenting itself, right?
Who knew getting a sunburn whilst washing a car on a sunny day whilst also wearing a yellow polka-dot bikini could turn out to be a good idea?
Wonders, he concluded, would never cease.
Author: Flora, though it is completely the fault of cordelia_v
Words: ~900
Pairing: Snarry
Genre: CRACK
Warnings: CRACK and alarming attire
A/N: See, she said she could even work Snape into a post about car-washing, and this just HAPPENED. *facepalm*
Sure Thing
Making the wager had been a phenomenally bad idea.
Doing it while drunk and agreeing to a vow that made him unable to not meet the terms had been an even worse idea.
Merlin.
He should have at least checked in the brat's head to make sure it really wasn't a--what had he called it? A sure thing?
Obviously, he was slipping, in his old age.
Which was completely fucked, what with only being thirty-nine. Severus Snape, old before his time and reduced to great indignity. It was just as well they were at Potter's home, which wasn't in London, nor in any wizarding area.
At least he was providing entertainment, and as long as the miscreant was entertained, he could spend the time it took to do this mindless task plotting his revenge.
He squeezed the sponge viciously and watched soapy foam spatter onto the top of the Muggle car--and why the hell Harry Potter had a car was a mystery to him, though he wouldn't put it past him to have bought one specifically for the occasion.
It wasn't as though he didn't have the money.
He squeezed the sponge harder; Potter's inherited wealth was one of a number of topics that made him annoyed.
The yellow polka-dot contraption he was wearing, which was currently making inroads between his arse-cheeks, was definitely another. Whoever had invented the "bikini" was clearly a sadist.
"You missed a spot," Potter shouted, pointing.
Severus glared, a look that should, were the world a fair and equitable place, have reduced the boy to a pile of smoldering ash right where he sat.
The basic unfairness of the world was a circumstance to which he was accustomed.
This didn't stop his wishing.
"I shall see to it in a moment," he said, pulling the slender strap of his top--and why Potter had made him wear the "bra" half he was sure he didn't know, but it was just as annoying as the arsecrack-crawling half, with the falling straps and bunchy front bits--and resisting the urge to yank at the bottoms.
"Of course you shall," Potter agreed, taking a sip of his drink. He was sitting there with a cocktail on a lounge chair and absurd great dark glasses, watching. "It's part of the deal."
"I hate you."
"Sorry. At least I didn't make you do it in Diagon Alley. I could have, you know."
Severus stopped, considering. Good lord. The terms had been loose enough for that. "You probably just didn't think of it in time," he finally retorted.
"No, I did. I just wanted you to myself."
Severus stopped and turned. "You …wanted me to. What the bloody fuck does that mean? Why would you wish not to impose my humiliation on everyone in the long sodding reach of your undeserved fame?"
The boy just shrugged and waved a hand back at the car.
Severus sighed and turned back, rubbing the soapy sponge over the missed spot over the front wheel.
He was startled when there was a touch on the skin of his back.
"Potter! What are you--"
"Think you're burning. That won't do." He pulled a bottle of something from his back pocket and commenced rubbing slippery lotion all over Severus's back.
Severus flinched away and turned, moving backward until he tripped and sprawled back, which, given the arse-exploring outfit and the gravel bits in the area on which the car was parked, felt quite painful. He growled.
And then, something inexplicable happened.
No, really inexplicable, not like the rest of this absurd adventure.
Potter used his wand--he never used his wand, not since the war--to lift him and gently took him in the house, then extracted the pieces of rock that had embedded themselves, then rinsed off the nasty lotion and applied cool healing salve, then helped him to stretch out on his belly on a soft bed in a quiet green room.
He didn't say anything.
And neither did Severus, at first because part of the terms of the bet was that he not curse the winner, and then because having someone care for him gently was …nice.
Finally, as the salve did its work, he rolled over. "Potter."
"Sorry. I didn't mean for you to be injured."
"You didn't…" Severus paused. "What did you intend?"
Potter blushed.
What the hell was going on?"
"I, um. See, I thought if we were both, um. Sort of minimally dressed, maybe an opportunity would, um. Present itself, and I could…" He trailed off. "Sorry. It was stupid."
He turned and left the room.
Severus stared after him, then slowly smiled.
Clearly, he was going to have to come up with another bet to lose. Just to see where this was going, of course.
Well. And to go there.
He wasn't handsome, but he also wasn't stupid. If the boy was inclined to offer…
He looked down at the offending suit.
And had an idea.
He could simply take the miserable thing off and go ask for something else to wear.
That would be an opportunity, presenting itself, right?
Who knew getting a sunburn whilst washing a car on a sunny day whilst also wearing a yellow polka-dot bikini could turn out to be a good idea?
Wonders, he concluded, would never cease.