Fic; Ache; Lovino-centric; Axis Powers Hetalia

[flor_de_ceibo]

Title: Ache
Rating: M/Soft R
Wordcount: 260+/-
Pairing/Characters: South Italy.
Warnings: non-explicit masturbation.
Summary: Written for the kink meme. A young Lovino deals with the guilt his ache for Spain provokes him.
A/N: Remember, back then, masturbating was a big sin

Comments

[apollo_pompano]

This is amazing.

My heart got a little sore after reading this, because it hits pretty damn close to home for me.

I was born and raised a good Catholic girl. I was taught how to pray, and what to believe in. When I was small my mind couldn't grasp the though of people not being catholic; everyone in my life was, and therefore everyone in the world was.
But, then I grew up, and in the final year of elementary, when I was 13, I came to terms with a frightening thing.
I liked girls.
There was a building tension between me and one of my friends, and one day we had kissed. And it was the most thrilling, sickening, gut-wrenching feeling I had ever experienced.
I remember curling up into a ball after she left, my best friend beside me and tears streaming down my face. I remember that hole, that painful hole in my chest. I remember being in a daze for a week. I remember not eating.

It was one of the most horrible feelings I've ever felt, because I was going against everything anyone had ever taught me. I was going against God, against my own existence. And it felt so terribly wrong to do so, so wrong, such a sin, but at the same time a part of my mind told me it was right.

I started having dreams I didn't want to have, and I woke up scared and confused. I couldn't focus on anything those days.

I think one of the hardest parts was having to pretend everything was okay. Having to lie. Another sin.

The overwhelming guilt and grief nearly killed me.
(At one point I really wished it did)

The best thing that ever happened to me, was being accepted into a public high school that was overwhelmingly open. And there I flourished. I met other people who were like me, and I stopped being afraid. One afternoon at a philosophy club meet, we started discussing 'religion'. And listening to everyone's opinions, seeing how different everyone was, made me fully accept that part of myself. And I started to change.

I don't... I don't know what I believe in now. But I think one day I might find something. And I have so many people who care about me and support me, and for that I feel lucky, fortunate.

I am a 'fake' catholic, and that hurts a little, knowing that. I can pretend for a little longer though. Until it's safe to come out.

So thank-you very much for writing and de-anoning this. It's beautiful. And it made me realize just how lucky I am.

[shini_chii]

I can relate. A bit. I never felt any guilt when I realized I liked girls too, but I did feel guilty because I wasn't feeling guilty. I was already not going to Church (due to other RL stuff) when I realized and I wasn't... I can safely say that it was one of the worst parts of my life (ironically, or maybe not, I still consider the days I was in Church as the best ones of my life).

It was hard to think of this; how to put into words the feeling that you're going against God, because as we know, it's not easy to describe.

High School, huh? That's the time I started to feel better, too.

You know? I think as long as a person is honest to his/herself and has people they can trust and who will hear them, then it's going to be okay. Maybe I'm too much of an optimist (not as much as a I should, though), but it's something I started to feel some time ago, and it really helps. You might end up just, not being in any organized religion, but truly at peace anyway. That's what happened to me at least. It's not so bad.

Fuck, I'm not sure how to respond to this properly, you know? It makes me nervous. But I'm overwhelmingly happy that something I wrote hit close to home for people and made them feel even a bit better, even if it's touchy at the same time.

Thank you for this fantastic review and for telling me your history. Really. ♥

[apollo_pompano]

The feeling of going against your everything is really, very hard to convey with words.

But you did it.

I think you responded wonderfully. Thank-you for responding at all XD.
I always feel a little awkward because I manage to weasel personal stuff into my comments.

[shini_chii]

No, thank you for sharing your feelings with me. It really meant a lot. Honestly. Not to mention, you were way too kind. ♥