update...
Thursday 1212 pm.
Ive been trying to get my internet to work, no success, no progress, I feel incompatent. So im writing this in a word program on my computer to either paste into an update or just keep for me to read when whatever events that change my life take fold. I’m in a spot, a bit of a nervous panic really, my life isnt quite what I had ever thought it to be. I guess you could say it started when my mom left a 13 dollar an hour job in detroit to live in cincinnati with robert. Taking me and amanda with her. We grew up wrong, rough and with far different budget than before. Eventaully mother got her shit right and started dating another guy she moved to a different place to be with, only taking me. I grew up depresed and missing my life in cincinnati, since then I’ve been united with the love of my life and dream women. I worked with denny’s, over worked under paid, there I got into a destructive spending habbit, I also fell into third shift. I feel like I took one step forward but im in the middle of taking another step, another step. Ive got a feeling in my chest, in my stomach, its strange. When you look back at your life, has there ever, ever had a thought of, I wonder if I had, or damn I shouldn’t have been so stupid to let that chance go by. If you knew then what you do now type shit, everything seems to have reprocushions and consequences, obviously. But what, and which decisions choice leads to the things to want, or need? I am so scared. Ok, my mom has been in this spot of lie where she is stuck at home, no car, no job and a small child to raise. She cant leave the house without someone calling her every ten minutes thinking shit is doing drugs or something. Also she is becoming more and more lazy and has gained more weight then since she was 14. She has been trying to leave since 2003, streetsboro that is. Since I had such a good friend, jason, she let me stay and actually finish school somewhere. Anyway she doesn’t leave my grandpa and rob, the people who torture her very existence. Ok so im out of school, and now im 18 and jason is in the army, my mom wants to leave rob and grandpa, but wants to live close to me. Now that im with heather, its like so much more me wanting to stay, but she cant do it anymore, she has to go, if she leaves then rob and my grandpa may stay here or move out, whatever. But me and taylor would have to go with her. Well taylor would definatly have to but I would just be left if it came to it. At that point I would have a few options im sure heathers parents would let me stay untill I could get a place and shit. Ok, before I say anything, nothing is permanent, nothing. Life, the sky, the trees, the ground but one thingthats permanent in my life is my love for Heather. Ok, brandon, my sister’s baby father… my brother, and pretty much father figure gives me a call, I miss it cause Im sleeping but amanda calls to let me know the 411 on his call and so he just got a boost in his job where he runs his own crew, painting, mostly inside but sometimes outside, along with his own crew he gets to pick it, really its gonna be a two man crew and before he even thought of anyone elsethat might be a little reliable, nobody really, he thought of me and called me. Amanda told me it will be 10 dollars an hour without taxes, well a 1099 at the end of the year but its far far more money strait up. Anyway, id have to move to cincinnati to work with him. Cincinnati is 4+hours away. If I go down there I could focus on just working, and well missing heather untill the next time I come back to be with her… if I go down there its like 500-600something a week, weekly pay and shit, that stacks up more than 8.57 an hour plus tax every check. Basically going down there would help me quit smoking cigarettes and just plain out focusing on saving up for when heather is done with school and we can move in together. Off rip I have fears of heather breaking up with me, or even staying with me but cheating on me. I’ve had like two dreams about her being all sad and getting high with some people and then getting talked into drinking, then she starts to listen to these people talk shit about how im in cincinnati and im probably with another person and that she should just get even or something and then she drinks more and before long she is too drunk to stop these people from… “doing” her, and not just one person its always two, ( not saying anything about these people but) first it was like blaine and brian ross, which personally Im not sure if I could see them doing it but if they were fucked up to… I don’t know, im not trying to start anything but next is a black guy and a white guy I don’t know, im not even sure if the one is black, but she was with kayleigh and her boyfriend and went out to a party and kayleigh didn’t keep her promise to make sure to stop her from getting too wasted and also Tommy didn’t keep his eye on the guys there and protect heather because they were in the other room doing whatever, I woke up crying both times and it was almost like I was shown a video tape of it actually happening. Anyway those are just dreams and fears or whatever and im completely confadent in my baby keeping faithful to me. I just wouldn’t be able to stop a guy from down there from raping her if it was a situation where it would happen. Im sure heather thinks that if or when in her mind I got put in a position to do drugs I would, but I wouldn’t, and if I was put in a position to be with another girl I would, but I definatly wouldn’t. ok im sure even though I really mean what I say about being faithful and keeping my soberness, I’m sure nothing I say could keep heather fromeating herself up inside over worries and what ifs, I only know that because im already dreming and crying and worrying about her… yeah, so brandon called today and I talked to him and he said that if he doesn’t get me or someone real soon that his boss will just get someone to join his crew regardless if brandon hates them… I m just really startled about how fast this is all happening, brandon spoke of needing me tomorrow and that he could drive up here in his van, get all my shit by tonight and being back by six am or whatever to get like two hours of sleep and work the weekend, he said I would make about 200 bucks by Monday and I would get paid on Monday since I started on Friday, yeah, he said its like mon-thur and get paid on fri, then if you work fri-sun you get paid again for those hours on mon… nice, cause ill work every weekend 24-7 if it means ill have good money to start mine and heathers life off right… wow, its just coming down to this, I frantically tried to postpone his offer to come get me by saying I had a check in 7 days and that if I don’t work a night before then I don’t get 8.57 I get 5.75… an hour… and he said he heard something like that. So I told him to call his boss and see when I absolute latest I could leave to go down there and join the crew before his boss found someone else. I hope that will buy me more time to spend with heather. O man, heather, I just wish she could be with me the whole time but I know after 18 weeks or whatever till she graduates ill have a good amount saved up to keep us “ok” untill we can really start our life off. I’ve just been waiting for the right chance to get a headstart on our life, and the money and lifestyle im living now isnt going to cut it. It wont even scratch it. I really don’t know what to say, even if brandon didn’t need me to be in his crew when my mom moved down there, I would probably have to go with her, regardless of age. Its almost like I could go down there willingly, and be ready, or I could go down there without a choice and be stuck there for longer. When I think about going down there I don’t really see it as me leaving heather, im not leaving her, im simply working hard to be ready for the day, that wonderful day when I can walk in an apartment or whatever with heather and know that we live there, just us and we don’t need anyone else. If she doesn’t want to be near my family, fine, but then I don’t want to be near hers. I think about it a lot when I work, what kinda place and like what kinda furniture, down to what would be in the refrigerater. I love her so much and its because I love her so much I have to do this, I have to be ready for our life, I have to get something to be comfortable with when we join our lives to be one. Ive also thought about how it could be a great way to really see how strong her love for me is, not really a test but if that’s what you wanna call it then sure, it’s a test of how our love is so beautiful and strong and just down right unstopable, just as long as she wants it to be. Now that im posative im gonna go, its just getting past not being together everyday, and living with the hurt of missing her. Im sure she will probably hurt more than me cause ill have the thought of her and me being together come january and everytime I come back to see her, not to mention work, and she will just have school and her friends will be talkin shit like they always do. I just hope she can understand that me being down there isnt permanent and its for a great cause, US. Our life together. Its worth it, and it will be worth it come january.
What are you setting your sites on, when you see it will you be ready?
Ive been trying to get my internet to work, no success, no progress, I feel incompatent. So im writing this in a word program on my computer to either paste into an update or just keep for me to read when whatever events that change my life take fold. I’m in a spot, a bit of a nervous panic really, my life isnt quite what I had ever thought it to be. I guess you could say it started when my mom left a 13 dollar an hour job in detroit to live in cincinnati with robert. Taking me and amanda with her. We grew up wrong, rough and with far different budget than before. Eventaully mother got her shit right and started dating another guy she moved to a different place to be with, only taking me. I grew up depresed and missing my life in cincinnati, since then I’ve been united with the love of my life and dream women. I worked with denny’s, over worked under paid, there I got into a destructive spending habbit, I also fell into third shift. I feel like I took one step forward but im in the middle of taking another step, another step. Ive got a feeling in my chest, in my stomach, its strange. When you look back at your life, has there ever, ever had a thought of, I wonder if I had, or damn I shouldn’t have been so stupid to let that chance go by. If you knew then what you do now type shit, everything seems to have reprocushions and consequences, obviously. But what, and which decisions choice leads to the things to want, or need? I am so scared. Ok, my mom has been in this spot of lie where she is stuck at home, no car, no job and a small child to raise. She cant leave the house without someone calling her every ten minutes thinking shit is doing drugs or something. Also she is becoming more and more lazy and has gained more weight then since she was 14. She has been trying to leave since 2003, streetsboro that is. Since I had such a good friend, jason, she let me stay and actually finish school somewhere. Anyway she doesn’t leave my grandpa and rob, the people who torture her very existence. Ok so im out of school, and now im 18 and jason is in the army, my mom wants to leave rob and grandpa, but wants to live close to me. Now that im with heather, its like so much more me wanting to stay, but she cant do it anymore, she has to go, if she leaves then rob and my grandpa may stay here or move out, whatever. But me and taylor would have to go with her. Well taylor would definatly have to but I would just be left if it came to it. At that point I would have a few options im sure heathers parents would let me stay untill I could get a place and shit. Ok, before I say anything, nothing is permanent, nothing. Life, the sky, the trees, the ground but one thingthats permanent in my life is my love for Heather. Ok, brandon, my sister’s baby father… my brother, and pretty much father figure gives me a call, I miss it cause Im sleeping but amanda calls to let me know the 411 on his call and so he just got a boost in his job where he runs his own crew, painting, mostly inside but sometimes outside, along with his own crew he gets to pick it, really its gonna be a two man crew and before he even thought of anyone elsethat might be a little reliable, nobody really, he thought of me and called me. Amanda told me it will be 10 dollars an hour without taxes, well a 1099 at the end of the year but its far far more money strait up. Anyway, id have to move to cincinnati to work with him. Cincinnati is 4+hours away. If I go down there I could focus on just working, and well missing heather untill the next time I come back to be with her… if I go down there its like 500-600something a week, weekly pay and shit, that stacks up more than 8.57 an hour plus tax every check. Basically going down there would help me quit smoking cigarettes and just plain out focusing on saving up for when heather is done with school and we can move in together. Off rip I have fears of heather breaking up with me, or even staying with me but cheating on me. I’ve had like two dreams about her being all sad and getting high with some people and then getting talked into drinking, then she starts to listen to these people talk shit about how im in cincinnati and im probably with another person and that she should just get even or something and then she drinks more and before long she is too drunk to stop these people from… “doing” her, and not just one person its always two, ( not saying anything about these people but) first it was like blaine and brian ross, which personally Im not sure if I could see them doing it but if they were fucked up to… I don’t know, im not trying to start anything but next is a black guy and a white guy I don’t know, im not even sure if the one is black, but she was with kayleigh and her boyfriend and went out to a party and kayleigh didn’t keep her promise to make sure to stop her from getting too wasted and also Tommy didn’t keep his eye on the guys there and protect heather because they were in the other room doing whatever, I woke up crying both times and it was almost like I was shown a video tape of it actually happening. Anyway those are just dreams and fears or whatever and im completely confadent in my baby keeping faithful to me. I just wouldn’t be able to stop a guy from down there from raping her if it was a situation where it would happen. Im sure heather thinks that if or when in her mind I got put in a position to do drugs I would, but I wouldn’t, and if I was put in a position to be with another girl I would, but I definatly wouldn’t. ok im sure even though I really mean what I say about being faithful and keeping my soberness, I’m sure nothing I say could keep heather fromeating herself up inside over worries and what ifs, I only know that because im already dreming and crying and worrying about her… yeah, so brandon called today and I talked to him and he said that if he doesn’t get me or someone real soon that his boss will just get someone to join his crew regardless if brandon hates them… I m just really startled about how fast this is all happening, brandon spoke of needing me tomorrow and that he could drive up here in his van, get all my shit by tonight and being back by six am or whatever to get like two hours of sleep and work the weekend, he said I would make about 200 bucks by Monday and I would get paid on Monday since I started on Friday, yeah, he said its like mon-thur and get paid on fri, then if you work fri-sun you get paid again for those hours on mon… nice, cause ill work every weekend 24-7 if it means ill have good money to start mine and heathers life off right… wow, its just coming down to this, I frantically tried to postpone his offer to come get me by saying I had a check in 7 days and that if I don’t work a night before then I don’t get 8.57 I get 5.75… an hour… and he said he heard something like that. So I told him to call his boss and see when I absolute latest I could leave to go down there and join the crew before his boss found someone else. I hope that will buy me more time to spend with heather. O man, heather, I just wish she could be with me the whole time but I know after 18 weeks or whatever till she graduates ill have a good amount saved up to keep us “ok” untill we can really start our life off. I’ve just been waiting for the right chance to get a headstart on our life, and the money and lifestyle im living now isnt going to cut it. It wont even scratch it. I really don’t know what to say, even if brandon didn’t need me to be in his crew when my mom moved down there, I would probably have to go with her, regardless of age. Its almost like I could go down there willingly, and be ready, or I could go down there without a choice and be stuck there for longer. When I think about going down there I don’t really see it as me leaving heather, im not leaving her, im simply working hard to be ready for the day, that wonderful day when I can walk in an apartment or whatever with heather and know that we live there, just us and we don’t need anyone else. If she doesn’t want to be near my family, fine, but then I don’t want to be near hers. I think about it a lot when I work, what kinda place and like what kinda furniture, down to what would be in the refrigerater. I love her so much and its because I love her so much I have to do this, I have to be ready for our life, I have to get something to be comfortable with when we join our lives to be one. Ive also thought about how it could be a great way to really see how strong her love for me is, not really a test but if that’s what you wanna call it then sure, it’s a test of how our love is so beautiful and strong and just down right unstopable, just as long as she wants it to be. Now that im posative im gonna go, its just getting past not being together everyday, and living with the hurt of missing her. Im sure she will probably hurt more than me cause ill have the thought of her and me being together come january and everytime I come back to see her, not to mention work, and she will just have school and her friends will be talkin shit like they always do. I just hope she can understand that me being down there isnt permanent and its for a great cause, US. Our life together. Its worth it, and it will be worth it come january.
What are you setting your sites on, when you see it will you be ready?