life is good
It really is. I've had some serious ups and downs and uncertainties and shit recently, but even so ... I feel fucking amazing. I mean, there's still a lot of shit going on, but even so I feel good.
My relationship with my partner is undergoing some radical changes. We've both agreed that things are over, but only in a sense. The relationship with the girl he met, the girl he got married to, that relationship is officially over. The girl he met and got married to, she's gone. And so we need to start over, get to know each other all over again. I'm rewiring my brain, altering my body, and just in general changing.
For the first time in my life I feel comfortable in my skin. This is a fucking huge thing. Now there are things I'm unhappy with, obviously, such as my weight and my ginormous chest. But you know what? These things can be changed. I've got suggested meal plans, I'm working on exercising. It's not going to happen overnight, but I can get my weight to where I want it. I'm out of shape, I don't eat well, and I haven't' done a particularly good job of taking care of myself overall because, well, because of some pretty profound unhappiness with my body. (Profound unhappiness is something of an understatement.) I plan to have top surgery, the sooner the better as far as I'm concerned. There are some practical considerations there. There's the financial aspect, and planning for that. And then we come back to weight again. Losing weight is actually a good thing in terms of top surgery, it reduces the need for future revisions to take care of issues such as dogearing. Less skin to work with, etc. Less breast tissue to work with as well. (Past experience has shown me that my chest size has a lot to do with my weight. Bust is one of the places where weight changes are most obvious on me.)
Hormone therapy is going really really well. Had blood work done this week. My testosterone levels have gone from 35 to 428, though my estrogen levels are also up, so I'm going to start taking medication to reduce estrogen production. Gods but this had made a world of difference. I feel good. emotionally I am in a much, much better place. I feel very centered, grounded. I'm much more stable. It's such a fucking relief. In my case estrogen does very bad things to me, which I've known for a long time but never knew what to do about it. I have my answer now. :) I'm still a moody bastard, but it's less extreme, doesn't linger as long. It's like these layers of negativity have been peeled away. Things feel brighter, clearer. I still feel things, just not to the extremes that I did, and believe me, this is a REALLY good thing.
Things are definitely so much better. I still have a lot of work to do on myself, I realize that, but I think I'm at a point now where i can actually do that. The whole transition thing is still scary as fuck, but then, the unknown tends to be really scary, and I know there are going to be challenges ahead, how could there not be? While I'm out to the people I'm closest too, I still haven't outed myself to my family or my partner's family. I don't give a fuck what my family thinks, in fact I'm seriously considering severing contact with my mother and her family, though I've got no real issues with my dad. My mother is a seriously toxic person, and she really fucked me up in a number of ways, instilled some seriously unhealthy patterns of thought and behavior in me. Parts of me are pretty damn broken because of her. She's a very unhappy woman with a lot of problems that she refuses to address or do anything about. If anyone else came into my life and acted the way she does, they wouldn't be part of my life for very long, believe me, but because she's my mother I've put up with shit I'd never put up with coming from anyone else. The notion that because this person is family you have to just accept their bad behavior isn't healthy. So yeah. that was a bit of a tangent, wasn't it? What can I say. My train of thought had a serious derailment there.
Anyway, I need to make a grocery list and go to the store. Need to pick up prescriptions and food. Food is a very important thing.
My relationship with my partner is undergoing some radical changes. We've both agreed that things are over, but only in a sense. The relationship with the girl he met, the girl he got married to, that relationship is officially over. The girl he met and got married to, she's gone. And so we need to start over, get to know each other all over again. I'm rewiring my brain, altering my body, and just in general changing.
For the first time in my life I feel comfortable in my skin. This is a fucking huge thing. Now there are things I'm unhappy with, obviously, such as my weight and my ginormous chest. But you know what? These things can be changed. I've got suggested meal plans, I'm working on exercising. It's not going to happen overnight, but I can get my weight to where I want it. I'm out of shape, I don't eat well, and I haven't' done a particularly good job of taking care of myself overall because, well, because of some pretty profound unhappiness with my body. (Profound unhappiness is something of an understatement.) I plan to have top surgery, the sooner the better as far as I'm concerned. There are some practical considerations there. There's the financial aspect, and planning for that. And then we come back to weight again. Losing weight is actually a good thing in terms of top surgery, it reduces the need for future revisions to take care of issues such as dogearing. Less skin to work with, etc. Less breast tissue to work with as well. (Past experience has shown me that my chest size has a lot to do with my weight. Bust is one of the places where weight changes are most obvious on me.)
Hormone therapy is going really really well. Had blood work done this week. My testosterone levels have gone from 35 to 428, though my estrogen levels are also up, so I'm going to start taking medication to reduce estrogen production. Gods but this had made a world of difference. I feel good. emotionally I am in a much, much better place. I feel very centered, grounded. I'm much more stable. It's such a fucking relief. In my case estrogen does very bad things to me, which I've known for a long time but never knew what to do about it. I have my answer now. :) I'm still a moody bastard, but it's less extreme, doesn't linger as long. It's like these layers of negativity have been peeled away. Things feel brighter, clearer. I still feel things, just not to the extremes that I did, and believe me, this is a REALLY good thing.
Things are definitely so much better. I still have a lot of work to do on myself, I realize that, but I think I'm at a point now where i can actually do that. The whole transition thing is still scary as fuck, but then, the unknown tends to be really scary, and I know there are going to be challenges ahead, how could there not be? While I'm out to the people I'm closest too, I still haven't outed myself to my family or my partner's family. I don't give a fuck what my family thinks, in fact I'm seriously considering severing contact with my mother and her family, though I've got no real issues with my dad. My mother is a seriously toxic person, and she really fucked me up in a number of ways, instilled some seriously unhealthy patterns of thought and behavior in me. Parts of me are pretty damn broken because of her. She's a very unhappy woman with a lot of problems that she refuses to address or do anything about. If anyone else came into my life and acted the way she does, they wouldn't be part of my life for very long, believe me, but because she's my mother I've put up with shit I'd never put up with coming from anyone else. The notion that because this person is family you have to just accept their bad behavior isn't healthy. So yeah. that was a bit of a tangent, wasn't it? What can I say. My train of thought had a serious derailment there.
Anyway, I need to make a grocery list and go to the store. Need to pick up prescriptions and food. Food is a very important thing.