hmmm...thought...that's something new and exciting!
i've been thinking a lot about the future and what i want to do. unfortunately i find myself lacking in a lot of areas that i wish i wasn't, like a social life for instance. i don't mean to be unattached to from the world but i guess it just sort of happens. i can't control it.
so here's a couple of things that i know: i want to get married, i want to have a couple of kids, i want to get a great job that pays me well. and most of all i want to enjoy life. so far, a lot of that bull is really funny to look at.
i think the question of what is a person going to be doing in ten years is stupid too.
(1)if i believe the mayans, then the world is gonna end in 2012 anyway and there's nothing that i can do to stop it.
(2)what person looking at themselves from a highschool point of veiw is really gonna know what they are going to be doing in ten years, five even?!
(3)the question is just an all-around way for a kid to feel bad about how they answer the question. if they tell the truth, then what they will be doing in ten years isn't going to be somthing that everyone wants to hear, and if they lie, then the people that are asking them don't really want to know anyway and they are just asking because you are on a interview of sorts or you are talking to your great-aunt brunhilda. This doesn't apply however if you think that you are better than everyone else and that your rich daddy is gonna get you a job that a person like me can't ever even look at.
i have been observing you lately just to understand how you act and how you react to certain situations. so far i have determined that basically the entire human race is just out there to prove that one person is better than another. if you show that you are better and that you can get another person's job taken away from them, for example, then society looks at you in praise. what about the other guy? who looks at him and says "congratulations for being the guy that everyone wants to get rid of." no. we just look at him and say "sorry buddy, that's the way the game is played," and go on with other business.
i've been thinking a lot about my own death lately too. i can't go to sleep because its too much like death. jessica and i were talking about this the other day and i realized that she's right. that the probability of there being "life after death" is so miniscule that you might as well disregaured it all together. i have to try to go to sleep with the radio on so that i can keep my mind off of the whole feeling. its such a scary thing to wake up with this heart racing and sweating thing realizing that you are going to die someday and that there isn't anything that you can do to stop it.
maybe its just because i don't know what lies beyond but maybe its because i do know. that's where that whole faith thing comes in. i find it hard to believe in a religion anymore. i think that the pope now is the worst person that could have been picked. i think that its stupid that a woman can't hold a order like a preist can. i told myself a long time ago that if women could become priests, i definately would be one. i couldn't be more upset. but what is a religion anyway? its just a organized way for a group to get money "in the name of God". i think that religion is stupid. if you are going to believe in anything, i say believe in God and don't worry about all that other bull shit. it really is stupid if you think about it. we have rules about all the stuff that you can and can't do.
you can't eat meat of fridays-man made law. doesn't mean a thing. point out in the bible where it says that and then maybe i'll believe it.
the bowing and the kneeling-i say if a person wants to kneel let them, if not don't. this whole reorganization of the church doctrine is really killing me too. if you go to church then you know that there has been this whole new thing instituted that you have to bow at this point in the prayer or that you have to say this at this time. i think that mass should be different from week to week and that a child smaller than me shouldn't have the mass memorized.
i don't know why people do what they do. whatever.
i really love how people can screw up your actions when on the outside. like today, even though i know its only in joking, Veronica was accusing me of flirting with another guy, while looking through a fume hood from mr. miller's room. i know that i wasn't, and i think that she knows that i wasn't too, but it's still a little hard to listen to that knowing that your boyfriend will probably hear about it at one point.
parents. especially mine. my father to be more specific. he doesn't want me to be with dennis. he may not say it directly, but he hints at it all the time. now what am i supposed to do in a situation like that? i really don't know. so what i am doing is basically just staying with dennis, despite what my father wants, and enjoying my life with him. i hope you're doing the same too, dennis. my parents seem to think that i am completly incompetant and that i can't handle doing any thing on my own. "You act like you are no older than twelve, do you know that? you're so wrapped up in your world that there's no room for anyone else." i guess that's where the whole lack of self esteem thing comes from, but i'm not saying it just because its the thing that teenagers my age say. its pretty much true too, i think.
i'm looking back on what i've done and feeling pretty scared about the future.
*sigh*
so here's a couple of things that i know: i want to get married, i want to have a couple of kids, i want to get a great job that pays me well. and most of all i want to enjoy life. so far, a lot of that bull is really funny to look at.
i think the question of what is a person going to be doing in ten years is stupid too.
(1)if i believe the mayans, then the world is gonna end in 2012 anyway and there's nothing that i can do to stop it.
(2)what person looking at themselves from a highschool point of veiw is really gonna know what they are going to be doing in ten years, five even?!
(3)the question is just an all-around way for a kid to feel bad about how they answer the question. if they tell the truth, then what they will be doing in ten years isn't going to be somthing that everyone wants to hear, and if they lie, then the people that are asking them don't really want to know anyway and they are just asking because you are on a interview of sorts or you are talking to your great-aunt brunhilda. This doesn't apply however if you think that you are better than everyone else and that your rich daddy is gonna get you a job that a person like me can't ever even look at.
i have been observing you lately just to understand how you act and how you react to certain situations. so far i have determined that basically the entire human race is just out there to prove that one person is better than another. if you show that you are better and that you can get another person's job taken away from them, for example, then society looks at you in praise. what about the other guy? who looks at him and says "congratulations for being the guy that everyone wants to get rid of." no. we just look at him and say "sorry buddy, that's the way the game is played," and go on with other business.
i've been thinking a lot about my own death lately too. i can't go to sleep because its too much like death. jessica and i were talking about this the other day and i realized that she's right. that the probability of there being "life after death" is so miniscule that you might as well disregaured it all together. i have to try to go to sleep with the radio on so that i can keep my mind off of the whole feeling. its such a scary thing to wake up with this heart racing and sweating thing realizing that you are going to die someday and that there isn't anything that you can do to stop it.
maybe its just because i don't know what lies beyond but maybe its because i do know. that's where that whole faith thing comes in. i find it hard to believe in a religion anymore. i think that the pope now is the worst person that could have been picked. i think that its stupid that a woman can't hold a order like a preist can. i told myself a long time ago that if women could become priests, i definately would be one. i couldn't be more upset. but what is a religion anyway? its just a organized way for a group to get money "in the name of God". i think that religion is stupid. if you are going to believe in anything, i say believe in God and don't worry about all that other bull shit. it really is stupid if you think about it. we have rules about all the stuff that you can and can't do.
you can't eat meat of fridays-man made law. doesn't mean a thing. point out in the bible where it says that and then maybe i'll believe it.
the bowing and the kneeling-i say if a person wants to kneel let them, if not don't. this whole reorganization of the church doctrine is really killing me too. if you go to church then you know that there has been this whole new thing instituted that you have to bow at this point in the prayer or that you have to say this at this time. i think that mass should be different from week to week and that a child smaller than me shouldn't have the mass memorized.
i don't know why people do what they do. whatever.
i really love how people can screw up your actions when on the outside. like today, even though i know its only in joking, Veronica was accusing me of flirting with another guy, while looking through a fume hood from mr. miller's room. i know that i wasn't, and i think that she knows that i wasn't too, but it's still a little hard to listen to that knowing that your boyfriend will probably hear about it at one point.
parents. especially mine. my father to be more specific. he doesn't want me to be with dennis. he may not say it directly, but he hints at it all the time. now what am i supposed to do in a situation like that? i really don't know. so what i am doing is basically just staying with dennis, despite what my father wants, and enjoying my life with him. i hope you're doing the same too, dennis. my parents seem to think that i am completly incompetant and that i can't handle doing any thing on my own. "You act like you are no older than twelve, do you know that? you're so wrapped up in your world that there's no room for anyone else." i guess that's where the whole lack of self esteem thing comes from, but i'm not saying it just because its the thing that teenagers my age say. its pretty much true too, i think.
i'm looking back on what i've done and feeling pretty scared about the future.
*sigh*