need a little time to wake up, wake up
Why does the gap between what I want to do and what I have to do seem so infinite?
I don't want to be here. I don't want to be setting up a fucking newly painted bedroom. I know it'll be a haven for me while I'm here, but it just makes this seem so solid, so much more permanent. Not to mention they're making me feel like a huge fucking moron for not knowing what I want to go to grad school for. Yes, I will take a side order of guilt with that insult, please.
It all seems so meaningless and pointless. I've noticed lately that most things I devote time to (mostly not of my own accord, but some that are as well) are, in the grand scheme of things -- the proverbial "big picture" really pointless. Thanks to Emmy, I'm reading Man's Search for Meaning... maybe it'll help me shed some light on my huge existential issues, which seem so glaringly prominent lately.
It's not all bad; of course, if you know me well you know I"ll never tell you it's all bad. I graduated Saturday night. I'm going on a cruise with my favorite guy January 5-9 as a graduation gift. I do wish everything they did for me to show me love and approval wasn't material. But I won't complain about being on the beaches of Key West and Cozumel in January, that's for damn sure.
I need to remind myself that things will not always be this way. I'll live my way into the answers, or whatever cliched crap that quote demands people battling life transition-y crap do. I need to realize that I've graduated college and up and left the life I knew -- the life I spent four and a half years custom-fitting to everything those years taught me about myself and my nature -- within 24 hours of one another. Things are not going to be easy now, but they'll grow moreso with time and then I'll be hungry for challenge again before I know it.
Right now, I'm just trying to wrap my head around the huge changes this "rite of passage" has brought about. Adjustment's tough, but I'm adaptable. And I know things'll start looking up soon. I have a job interview Tuesday. Wednesday marks one year with G. Christmas is coming up ridiculously soon. Things will be okay; even though today sucked donkey balls, I need to put it behind me. Soon, I'll find myself closer to clarity and hopefully better envision my purpose and how to proceed from there... which should bring the closure to my time at Mizzou that graduation should've brought.
Here's hoping...
well what's the story, morning glory
need a little time to wake up
need a little time to wake up, wake up
need a little time to wake up
need a little time to rest your mind