oscillatory
Hmm well it´s late and for once the computer room has no queue. We have 170 conference participants and 10 computers, so...
Having a lot of ups and downs. Was shocked how quickly I became stressed and trapped and tearful so soon after arriving in Spain. Am sort of coping now, and we have passed the halfway mark. I gave my talk yesterday, it went ok, what nobody can understand is that I find the social situations like mealtimes much more diffictul than giving a seminar about mathematics!
Mealtimes: it took a couple of days to get them to understand "vegetarian", now they make the 6 veggies sit together. It removes the "Oh gosh I don´t know anyone where can I sit?" problem, but means I run out of topics of conversation very quickly.
Trouble is people think they are being nice to you when they invite you to some social activity, or urge you to eat more, or try to engage you in conversation. They don´t realise that they are terrifying me.
I think sometimes I appear rude cos I´m just shy and inept. Last night my supervisor and some others were talking angrily about something one of the other guys had said that they thought was ungracious and impolite... it sounded like the kind of thing I could have said if put on the spot and not sure what to say. It scared me to hear them gosipping about others´ manners.
When I met the organiser of the conference he thanked me for coming and I tried to say something like "no its a pleasure" but I don´t know if that was right cos my supervisor may have already told him that laura hates conferences. And I forgot to thank him for writing my reference, I need to do that but don´t know how to find an opportunity. Can´t just bound up to him, say that, and leave else it will be obvious I did it cos I was told to.
I should stop rambling. I just feel so socially inept. I sat on the floor yesterday and Tony shouted at me not to, like maybe it´s really rude to do that in Spain I don´t know. I feel like whatever I do is wrong and people are watching me and disliking me.
It doesn´t help that I don´t understand what they say either. But it´s even worse when they all speak English just for me. Cos then I feel pressure to participate in the conversation, when Ive nothing to say. And in a big group I can´t hear anyway.
I haven´t SIed. I want to but I don´t think I will. I don´t see what´s so great about not SIing if it means you are so wound up and tense and scared all the time. I need to learn to look as if I am enjoying it, or I will offend people who are trying to be nice.
Every coffee break is an ordeal. I tried to talk to a girl today, I said "How are you?" and she looked astonished and made me repeat it 3 times and then said I´m fine thankyou and stared at me in this incredulous manner. Then we stood for ages and didn´t speak so I hurriedly drank my coffee and ran.
And I can´t remember faces either. Guy opposite me at dinner, I asked him the usual "Where are you from? What university? What kind of maths do you do?" and it turns out he is one of the main speakers and I was at his lecture. How did I not recognise him I am so stupid! I probably seemed very ill mannered indeed :(
Please don´t let anyone else make me do anything scary. Going home Saturday.
Having a lot of ups and downs. Was shocked how quickly I became stressed and trapped and tearful so soon after arriving in Spain. Am sort of coping now, and we have passed the halfway mark. I gave my talk yesterday, it went ok, what nobody can understand is that I find the social situations like mealtimes much more diffictul than giving a seminar about mathematics!
Mealtimes: it took a couple of days to get them to understand "vegetarian", now they make the 6 veggies sit together. It removes the "Oh gosh I don´t know anyone where can I sit?" problem, but means I run out of topics of conversation very quickly.
Trouble is people think they are being nice to you when they invite you to some social activity, or urge you to eat more, or try to engage you in conversation. They don´t realise that they are terrifying me.
I think sometimes I appear rude cos I´m just shy and inept. Last night my supervisor and some others were talking angrily about something one of the other guys had said that they thought was ungracious and impolite... it sounded like the kind of thing I could have said if put on the spot and not sure what to say. It scared me to hear them gosipping about others´ manners.
When I met the organiser of the conference he thanked me for coming and I tried to say something like "no its a pleasure" but I don´t know if that was right cos my supervisor may have already told him that laura hates conferences. And I forgot to thank him for writing my reference, I need to do that but don´t know how to find an opportunity. Can´t just bound up to him, say that, and leave else it will be obvious I did it cos I was told to.
I should stop rambling. I just feel so socially inept. I sat on the floor yesterday and Tony shouted at me not to, like maybe it´s really rude to do that in Spain I don´t know. I feel like whatever I do is wrong and people are watching me and disliking me.
It doesn´t help that I don´t understand what they say either. But it´s even worse when they all speak English just for me. Cos then I feel pressure to participate in the conversation, when Ive nothing to say. And in a big group I can´t hear anyway.
I haven´t SIed. I want to but I don´t think I will. I don´t see what´s so great about not SIing if it means you are so wound up and tense and scared all the time. I need to learn to look as if I am enjoying it, or I will offend people who are trying to be nice.
Every coffee break is an ordeal. I tried to talk to a girl today, I said "How are you?" and she looked astonished and made me repeat it 3 times and then said I´m fine thankyou and stared at me in this incredulous manner. Then we stood for ages and didn´t speak so I hurriedly drank my coffee and ran.
And I can´t remember faces either. Guy opposite me at dinner, I asked him the usual "Where are you from? What university? What kind of maths do you do?" and it turns out he is one of the main speakers and I was at his lecture. How did I not recognise him I am so stupid! I probably seemed very ill mannered indeed :(
Please don´t let anyone else make me do anything scary. Going home Saturday.