la.
I am feeling really weird today. Kinda like this whole things are never what they appear to be kinda way. I dunno. Either way it goes as far as my “relationship goes”. Sometimes it’s like things are so good. Like yesterday form the outside it must have looked so cute and sweet. And it was and we were happy and we stayed happy. And she beat me at pool and then I just beat myself up a lot I guess. And not that anything bad happened. I just wonder if I am loosing sight of something’s. I had certain things that I identified myself with. Not that those things where all I was or huge important parts of myself. But things none the less that I felt ooo this is something I do and I am good at and now I wonder if I can even do those things anymore. I guess I am just wondering if there are Maybe it’s like if you don’t roller skate for a long time you take a while to get back to where you were. I dunno I guess I’m just loosing confidence in myself or something like that. I keep trying to make myself do little projects lately so that I feel better about all of these things. I am the kind of person who likes to stay freaking busy and I am loosing sight of that. And other things too. What difference am I making you know?? I used to like do things that mattered and even if they only mattered to me. I mean I stsill do the coca cola stuff and really try not to shop at walmart unless it is for prescriptions cuz it’s the cheapest place i can get them. I guess I could bite the bullet and pay 20 for every med I need instead of 4 dollars??? And I try not to go to self check out. When I see disturbing or sexiest racist things on t.v. I frown…
I think my book has just got me in a weird mood. I find myself feeling like the biggest weirdo there is. Like today I had to wit for teh train and I was looking at myself in the window of a building cuz I have no scarf today. And I wondered what would someone random think of me if they saw me right now. Especially lookin at myself fin a building window. And then I stared making goofy faces so that the imaginary person who might see me would laugh and be like o I had a happy moment while driving t 8a.m. cuz too few of us do. And then I also was the tail end of this station wagon thing parked far of behind some brush. And I wondered if that car had been stashed there to cover up some kind of murder. I mean what the heck right??? I am sure it is just where someone parks that lives around there.
Man I already feel a lil better. Like maybe it was cuz I wrote this all down or because i just talked to my boss about or weekends. So weird!!! She had a steak dinner and I had a steak lunch thing. Both very expensive and paid for by another person. We both saw sex in the city on Sunday too. We were just talking about a certain part and crying in the office….weird right??? Maybe we are like a lil family. I wonder if make everyone who gets semi close to me feel like they are my family. Is that a genuine trait to be happy about or a false scene I give to others???
I want natalie to come back. I want joey to move back and I want larz to stay the night with me. I also want to make a quilt. I want it to mean something though…the pieces of it. Family hand me downs and stuff like that.