i love you but i'm not in love with you
i've heard this from many a woman in my life...well 3 to be exact. 2 of them i was crazy about but sometimes i wonder why. i mean i think about it and i figure out why i would love them but then i think about my love comapred to thier love. how they show they love me and how i am treated and how that love is recipricated. and i wonder how did i fall for someone how cared less about me. love sisupposed to be equal right? that is what i alwasy imagined. partners...equals givinga dn taking. i need to lean on u and u don't mind and vice versa. i'll kiss u when ur sick cuz there is bound to be a day i want a kiss when i am sick and i don't wanna be denied that. ahhhh i wanna scream and cry at teh same time. i mean it's been since january of 2006. more than 2 years and we are growing further and further apart. I AM WORTH SOMEONE LOVING ME COMPLETELY WITHOUT DOUBTS AND DOESN'T NEED TO FIGURE ALL THIS OTHER SHIT OUT IN THIER HEADS. It's been 2 years!!! if it hasn't happend in 2 yrs. it's not gonna happen. so then it falls on my shoulders right? if i know all of this this why don't i just leave and accept defeat. i know i'll be ok. but i don't wanna give up for some reason. and it never seems like a good time to have the can we just eb friends talk. which i have had over and over. and i get this i don't wanna just be ur friend. but u don't wanna do anything else eiather!!! i am not ut out for this limbo waita round string me a long kind of thing!!!! i have emotions and a haeart and feelings damnit and if u wanna figure out which gender u wanna be with then just for gods sake go and do it. but leave me out of it. i can give advice like a freind and shit but not like o lets stay the night together every night and kiss every so often and act liek a couple and then be like oooo i'm creating distance from u cuz i'm not sure if i wanna be with a guy. and i'm kinda in love with u but not all the way. what is that after 2 freakin years. what am??? GOD!!! i am just relaly frustrated and i need to vent. and i don't want anyone to read this really...mostly out of embraaresment and shame of what i let happen to me. or becuase i am even disapointe din myself for not taking charge of my own destiny and even after all of this i know i still won't. i wish i could just run form my problems. u know liek move and start over somewhere else. leave my past behind. i guessi really could...i don[t have things tying me down here if i really think about it. i could just up and move...my lease is almost up. i could use my stimulus check!!! i'm gonna go look for social work jobs in asutin online.