Jun 18, 2005 20:52
At this point, I wonder, What the hell is going
through that boy's head? Is he thinking that he can go through
life without anyone, but his girlfriend that doesn't even back him up
or try to be honest with him. She is so out of her mind, she gets
angry whenever he says he's overweight, because she believes he
isn't. I mean, I don't care if he is or not, but COME ON.
Does he know he just lost his most faithful friend
of five or six years? Again, I come to think that perhaps Alesha
has poisoned his impressionable mind. I truly feel sorrow for
him. He puts all of his faith and efforts into a girl who just
complains about everything he does, then causes him to lose one of few
people that care about him.
I wonder what changed his mind. He used to not
be able to stand her, and then they break up. Suddenly, she's a
fairytale. I sit here and think, What does he see in her?
This is where I get worried, more than
anything. What keeping them together, when they argue so often
with Chris even possibly being miserable (at least, I hope for my
heart's sake). She comes to his house and plays on Gaia Online
and complains about how bad he is about taking care of his computer,
while he probably sits there, bored. I hope with all of my heart
that it isn't sex keeping them, together, for that would mean Chris is
a forever changed man; one I'm not sure I could befriend, ever again.
I wonder if he recognizes that he's throwing all the
time and effort I put into our friendship in my face. Yes, I
played on Gaia Online, as well, and when I did, I had the ode to my
best friend in my profile, always, as well as he. Now, I look at
his profile, and it seems I have disappeared from his life.
"... and my friend. Yeah, only one..."
Now, those words mean nothing, as well as I.
He's never looked at this journal, after being given the URL, he's
never looked at my MySpace, after being given the URL, and he's never
looked our band's MySpace, when given the URL many times.
I used to show him every new band I heard, but
recently, during the period of our friendship, I grew afraid of showing
him such things, for everything I would share with him he would turn it
into a thing between him and Alesha. I hid my music, my ideas, my
books, my movies.... Any taste I had was due to be stolen.
I didn't want what I liked being put into criticism, each day.
Chris would change when around this girl. His
voice would raise into a cute little tone, he would suddenly obey every
command, and he wouldn't listen to anyone else. She was all that
mattered. This wouldn't have bothered me if it only lasted for
some time, but it continues, everyday. I used to have a spot in
the high school, in the mornings, where I would relax and prepare for
the oncoming day, but now this spot rings with loud voices from people
I don't recognize and an ever-obeying servant following this girl who
doesn't know right from wrong.
I wonder where my place in all of this. Where
do I fit in? Why does no one leave time for me? Why won't
anyone, here, hear me? I know why. The Alesha Show; it's
always on. Seven days a week. 24 hours a day. My
weekly special has been cancelled. The ratings were down.
Cast members left the show. Only the occasional rerun is
on. The network was bought out.
I could say a million words, and not a single one would change anything. I've been told to move on.
Take away what your world's foundation was made up
of, and move on. There's nothing to see here. Just move the
fuck on.
I've been trying to take the advice, but something has me chained down. I call it:
Hate.
Love.
Guilt.
Mourning.
Loneliness.
Memories.