[Final Fantasy 4] Fic: Lali Ho! Of Dwarves In Flying Tanks
La la la, I should write something about Europe but I am too lazy, so I'm posting a lame FF4 fic (if it can be called that) instead.
Title: Lali Ho! Of Dwarves In Flying Tanks
Fandom: Final Fantasy 4
Characters: Giott, Luca, cast
Genre: Parody
Spoilers: for the whole game
Rating: K+ for a few bad words
Summary: Have you ever noticed before that the dwarves in FFIV are the most amazingly trusting (gullible) little lumpheads?
Lali Ho! Of Dwarves in Flying Tanks
In the underworld...
Golbez, Clad in the Dark: Hm, where should we loot and pillage first.
Red Wings: Sir yes sir! May we suggest that suspicious-looking castle over there, sir!
Golbez, Clad in the Dark: Yes, that will do.
Giott: LALI HO!
Golbez, Clad in the Dark: ...
Giott: OMG flying tanks!
Golbez, Clad in the Dark: ...
Giott: Can I help you with anything? Put you up for the night? Fluff your pillows?
Golbez, Clad in the Dark: ...where are the dark crystals?
Giott: Let me draw you a map.
Golbez, Clad in the Dark: Kthanxbye. (Flies off with the Red Wings and seizes two dark crystals)
Giott: !
Giott: !
Giott: !
Giott: OMG I never saw that coming!
Golbez, Clad in the Dark: Yes.
Giott: Curse you and your flying tanks!
Golbez, Clad in the Dark: ...And by the way, we call these things 'airships.'
Luca: So, some bad men came from a kingdom above, in airships, and they took two of the dark crystals, so that's why we're currently shooting at those airships?
Giott: Yes. And they're flying tanks, dearest.
Luca: No, they're not, daddy. The bad man said they were airships. People with airships are very bad people, aren't they?
Giott: That seems to be the case, dearest. But they're called flying tanks, lali.
Soldier: Sir, another airship has entered the battle! It looks the same as all the other airships down to the last detail! It even has "Red Wings" stenciled on the side!
Giott: Well, I bet they're good guys, then. Let's invite them in!
Soldier: ...
Luca: ...
Giott: I had a good feeling!
Cecil: Hi.
Giott: LALI HO! Sorry for the friendly fire, we were aiming for the other guys.
Cecil: You're probably wondering who we are and where we came from, and if we might possibly be affiliated with the other overworlders with airships who came here to steal your crystals.
Giott: Not really.
Cecil: Oh, good. Let me introduce ourselves. I'm Cecil the paladin, I used to work for those guys who were firing at you; this buff man is Yang, a monk who sneezes a lot, ACHOO!; the fellow in the dark forbidding armour is Kain, who also used to work for those guys who were firing at you; my girlfriend Rosa, ditto; Cid not only used to work for those guys who were firing at you but even built the airshi--
Cid: UM, I'm gonna go put some tin foil on the Enterprise or something, see yaz. (Cid leaves the party, because it wasn't particularly exciting)
Giott: So, can I help you with anything? Put you up for the night? Fluff your pillows?
Cecil: Well, we were actually looking for some crystals--
Yang: !
Cecil: What is it, Yang?
Yang: I sense an evil presence listening to us!
Cecil: Oh my gosh! King, you must tell us! Where do you keep your kingdom's dark crystal?
Giott: Behind my throne, lali! We'll just push the switch to let you in, lali! I shall entrust the fate of the crystal to you and not send any dwarves back there to keep an eye on you, lali!
Luca: Uh...
Cecil: Thanks, King Gidiot! Mwa ha ha ha ha. Going in now.
Giott: Man, they've been back there for a while.
Luca: Has anyone seen my dolls lately?
Giott: Shhsh, be quiet, dearest. Look, we have another overworld guest! She is very green.
Rydia: You're probably wondering who I am and where I came from.
Giott: Not really, lali.
Rydia: Oh, good. I'll just be going into your crystal room then.
Giott: Please go right ahead, lali!
Rydia: ...what the fuck does 'lali' mean?
Cecil: (emerging from the crystal room) Sorry, we were this close to stopping him, but he kind of turned into a hand and spirited the crystal away.
Luca: A...hand?
Cecil: Yes, a hand.
Luca: You don't think we'd actually believe that kind of bullshit story--
Giott: OMG so unfortunate lali!
Luca: Daddy, I'm going to write some poetry now.
Do you see the hatred glowing in my yellow eyes
Written across the void of my pitch black face.
I hate you, daddy.
Cecil: What should we do now? The enemy has three of the dark crystals!
Giott: Yeah, that's pretty bad for some vaguely defined reason, but I have a plan! You guys can go secretly infiltrate the Tower of Bab-il while we draw the enemy's attention with our cute little tanks! That way you won't be killed by their 'SUPER CANNON.'
Cecil: That sounds like a good idea.
Luca: No, it doesn't.
Giott: Yes, it does!
Cecil: We'll leave Cid here to work on our airship. See you at the tower. Suckas.
Some days later...
Cid: Thanks for the dockspace and the tools and the workers and the lodging. I'll just be taking my airship to pick up Cecil and the others now.
Giott: Sure.
Soldier: Your Majesty, we have reports of a massive explosion at the Tower of Bab-il!
Giott: Of course! Our tanks are awesome!
Soldier: Actually, it appears that the Super Cannon misfired! If it had fired properly, our army would have been destroyed, sir!
Giott: Well, it didn't, so it wasn't, so all is well.
Soldier: Additionally, the humans whom we have been aiding (at the expense of dwarven lives, I might add) appear to have fled to the overworld in their airship, closing the passageway behind them with a bomb, sir!
Giott: Oh no! I hope they're okay, lali!
Soldier: ...we found one of their number, the engineer Cid, lying near the entrance to the overworld, on the brink of death! Perhaps the barbarians forced him off their ship! What shall we do with him, sir!
Giott: Give him the best of care, of course! I like that Cid guy, he kind of looks like a dwarf.
Soldier: Well, that is true!
About a week later...or however long it takes to fly to Baron, attach a hook to the airship, fly to Mt. Hobbs to pick up the hovercraft, fly to Eblan Cave, get through the caves, recruit Edge, sneak into the Tower of Bab-il, defeat Edge's parents and Rubicant, fall through a pit trap all the way to the underground, steal an enemy airship, and fly back to Dwarf Castle, all the while grabbing tons of treasure and grinding for experience...yeah, about a week later.
Cecil: Uh, hi.
Luca: You should really ask about them about the whole "fleeing and blowing up the passageway to the overworld only to come crawling back here after a whole week (or so) has passed" thing.
Giott: Shush, dear, daddy's talking.
Cecil: You're probably wondering how we got back into the underworld, and who this lavender ninja is, and whatever happened to Yang and Cid.
Giott: Not really, I don't worry about things like that. It kind of took you guys a while to get back, huh? How did the mission go?
Cecil: Er, I'm afraid the mission was a failure. There was, like, this hole in the floor of the crystal room, and we fell into the hole every time we tried to get in, so we couldn't get near the crystals, and therefore couldn't get the crystals...
Rosa: Cecil, dear, I just reached level 34 and can cast Float now. We can fly right over that stupid hole.
Cecil: Shush, dear, daddy's talking.
Rosa: Dear, I really think that with Float we can--
Cecil: --get into the Land of Summoned Monsters and the Sylph's Cave? Smashing idea! I hear there are some fabulous treasure boxes 'round those parts.
Rydia: Yay, I can visit my monster friends! Vacation time!
Kain: Instead of chasing after treasure and visiting friends, perhaps we should be looking for the last dark crystal.
Giott: The last dark crystal is locked away in the Sealed Cave, which is sealed.
Kain: So if we leave the crystal where it is, it will remain safely locked away even from Golbez's evil grasp forever and ever.
Giott: Yes, and now I'll give you the key so you can undo the seal.
Kain: ...Well, no complaints from me. Don't mind me, I'm just going to cackle mysteriously. (cackles mysteriously)
Giott: Luca, give them the key around your neck.
Luca: You mean my necklace? THIS was your hiding place for the key to the most important cave in the world?
Giott: Yes, around your wringable little neck. Give it over.
Luca: What if I don't want to.
Giott: What if I cut your allowance.
Luca: Oh, right, like my allowance and the fate of the world are in any way comparable, on any kind of scale...who am I kidding, take the damn key.
Cecil: Yeah thanks, whatever. First we go level grind for a bit, and then to the Land of Summoned Monsters!
Rydia: Yay!
Rosa: I give up on this party.
Edge: Did someone say "party"? Dude! I'm a ninja!
(The heroes leave)
Luca: Don't you think we should have told them that their engineer friend is in the infirmirary downstairs? They might need his help fixing up the airship so they can get to the Sealed Cave.
Giott: Nah, I'm sure they'll figure it out.
Much, much later...
Cecil: Hi, you're probably wondering what took us so long (though if you'd told us that Cid was in your infirmary we might have cut out a few days of aimless wandering). And you might be asking yourself where Kain is...aaaaaand the last of the dark crystals, for that matter. BTW the Tower of Bab-il is glowing like a disco ball.
Giott: Yeah, it's so cool! We can't even get near it now! Did you guys do that?
Cecil: In a manner of speaking, yes.
Luca: So we gave you people the key to the Sealed Cave, you come back without the crystal, your suspicious-looking dragoon friend is gone, by all indications the enemy has all the crystals, and because of the barrier around the Tower of Bab-il we have no way of stealing them back?
Cecil: In a manner of speaking, yes.
Luca: ...Well, that's about what I was expecting.
Giott: Sooooooo...what do we do now?
Cecil: We were hoping you could tell us that.
Giott: Well, I think we're pretty doomed unless the Legend of the Big Whale happens to come true.
Cecil: Big Whale?
Giott: Yeah, I don't know what a "whale" is either. It's supposed to come from the ocean, but I don't know of anything that could possibly come out of the lava.
Cecil: Um, I know what a whale is. We have them above. They live in the, you know, watery type of ocean we have up there. They're animals. Big animals. So saying "Big" Whale is pretty redundant.
Giott: Water in the oceans? What a novel concept, lali! But actually, the Big Whale is supposed to be some kind of ship. A big ship. From the moon.
Cecil: ?
Giott: And apparently, there is a Big Whale in a Mysidia.
Cecil: !
Giott: Too bad there's no such thing as a Mysidia. This legend is pretty crazy overall. What is this "One to be born from a dragon" thing is supposed to mean?
Cecil: !
Giott: Well, it's probably just a bunch of lali-ho-foolery, so I guess you'll just have to rot in the underworld for the rest of your short, short lives.
Cecil: Mysidia is a town in the overworld! The Elder there is praying for something! Probably a Big Whale!
Giott: Really? Mysidia is a town? What a weird name for a town. Never would have guessed.
Luca: Which is why you never thought to mention this extremely important plot point until now.
Cecil: We need to get to the overworld immediately! (Well, after stopping at the smith's house to pick up Excalibur.) That legend is about ME!
Rosa: But the passage is blocked.
Edge: Yeah, and can we wait a day or two? I want to relax at the inn. That Sealed Cave was murder, man.
Rydia: The inn is expensive. We should just use the free healing pot downstairs. I like the pot.
Edge: True, that pot is good stuff.
Rydia: The withdrawal's pretty nasty though. Feels like you gotta keep going back to it, even if you take just a little damage...
Edge: Hey, I can quit any time I want. I can! Really! *cries*
Cecil: Ahem, ahem, I will ignore the druggie jokes because we need to get going right now! This is very important! Rest is for the weak!
Rosa: But the passage to the overworld is blocked.
Cecil: Oh yeah.
Giott: If only your airship could drill through the rubble.
Luca: Daddy, that's so impossible.
(The sound of a door being flung open appears!)
Cid: Did someone say airship and then say impossible shortly after.*
Rosa: It's Cid!
Cid: I can totally attach a drill to the Falcon. No prob.
Giott: See, nothing is impossible if you believe! Where there is belief, a way appears!
Luca: Believe this. (a rude gesture appears!)
After seeing the heroes off...
Giott: Hmm...that no-good Golbez is obviously up to something. The attack will probably come from the Tower of Bab-il, so we need to focus our defenses in that direction.
Luca: ...D-did you just say something smart?
Giott: Although, the Tower seems to go all the way up to the overworld, so they need protection too! We should fly all of our tanks up there! I'm sure that won't be difficult at all.
Luca: ...Nevermind.
Giott: I'll go talk to Cid.
Luca: Considering that at least half of the Tower of Bab-il is in the underworld, including the entrance, maybe we should keep the tanks here to defend ourselves.
Giott: Nah, that's a bad idea. See you later, I'm going to make some tanks fly, lali!
Yang: Hi. It turns out I'm alive, I was hanging out with some fairies. Can I have a tank?
Giott: Everyone can have a tank!
The dwarves bring their tanks to the overworld. Suddenly, a Giant of Bab-il appears!
Giott: Told you the attack would be up here.
Luca: How overworld-centric. This game is dissing us!
After the heroically-fought battle...
Giott: Look, it's Cecil in a Big Whale! I'm assuming that that thing is a Big Whale.
Luca: Betcha he doesn't bother to say hi. Or "thank you for coming all this way to help a people not your own."
Giott: No, I'm sure he will. He's a good sort, that Cecil.
(The Big Whale flies off into space again.)
Luca: Told you so.
Giott: That paladin is dissing us!
Luca: So what do we do now?
Giott: Hm, guess there's nothing left to do but pray. In Mysidia.
Luca: What?
Giott: Everyone's doing it!
Palom, Porom, Elder of Mysidia, Edward, Toroian Sisters, Yang, Cid, Cid's lackeys: We sure are!
In Mysidia, everyone flaps their pixellated arms in prayer.
Luca: What exactly are we praying for?
Giott: We pray that Holy may save us from Meteor.
Luca: I'm pretty sure that's not right.
(Somewhere on the moon, Rosa is learning Holy and Rydia is learning Meteo.)
Elder of Mysidia: Ahem! Ahem! May I have your attention, please! Now is the time to wish for the earth! We shall send people's wishes to Cecil!
Giott: Oh goody!
Luca: I guess flapping our arms actually paid off.
Elder of Mysidia: All right, everyone line up for wish-sending. Palom, Porom, stand in front here.
Palom: Cecil!
Porom: Here's our power!
(Luca: Of course those brats get to go first, *cough cough* nepotism *cough*)
Edward: Do your best!
Tellah: Don't give up!
(Giott: OH MY GOD IT'S A GHOST!)
(Luca: It really is!)
Yang: Concentrate!
Cid: Hold on to it!
(Luca: To what?)
Fu So Ya: Bless him, Moon!
Golbez: My dear brother! Let your sacred power be with the Crystal!
(Luca: So...is there, like, another Crystal? With a capital C?)
(Giott: MORE GHOSTS! FROM THE MOON!)
Elder of Mysidia: Well, that's enough wish-sending.
Giott: Huh?
Luca: But we haven't gone yet!
Elder of Mysidia: Sorry, main characters only.
Luca: OMG be more racist please.
Elder of Mysidia: This has nothing to do with your pitch black complexion or glowing yellow eyes or tiny stature or beards or habit of saying lali-ho or whatever the fuck it is you say.
Giott: How dare you talk to my daughter that way!
Luca: Daddy, let's go home.
Giott: Yeah, I suddenly feel the need for that pot at the castle.
At Dwarf Castle
Giott: Aw man...this pot...is the best...lali. Helps me forget...being discriminated against...lali.
Luca: Totally...lali.
Giott: We are...totally helping to rebuild...lali.
Luca: Totally...lali.
Soldier: Sir, we need more materials to rebuild the castle!
Giott: Oh yeah...I know! Let's scrap the tanks...
Soldier: What...!
Giott: Because, like, no more wars ever , you know...lali?
Soldier: ...
Giott: BTW...Luca...
Luca: That's a me! Tee hee!
Giott: I got some news...Cecil is gonna be king of Baron...and Rosa's gonna be Royal Trophy Wife.
Luca: Huh...cool...like...isn't Baron the thing that bombed us?
Giott: Yeah...but no hard feelings...(trying to remember something)...oh, and we're invited to the ceremony! In Baron!
Luca: How nice! Tee hee!
Soldier: Sir, I think you may be loafing on the job!
Giott: Ahem...lali. Are you done scrapping the tanks, lali...?
Soldier: Obviously not, sir! You asked me thirty seconds ago, sir! Lali.
Giott: Huh...well, maybe you can make the tanks fly. Lali.
At the wedding of the century...
Luca: Tee hee!
Giott: LALI LALI LALI LALI!
Luca: Tee hee!
Giott: LAAAALLLIIII HOooooOOOOOooooOOOO!
Luca: Tee hee!
Cid: Pot, huh.
Rydia: Wonder what drove them to it.
Edge: I can quit anytime! I swear!
Rosa: My beautiful wedding...ruined...!
Cecil: I guess we kind of deserve it.
Giott and Luca: LALI HO, SUCKAS!
THE END. LALI.
Author's Notes:
*Did someone say airship and then say impossible shortly after. This joke is so stolen from a Kate Beaton comic strip about Isambard Kingdom Brunel, who apparently liked building impossible stuff.
Most of the words coming out of the characters' mouths in this fic (if you can call this a fic?) were totally made up by me, but some lines were lifted directly from the FFIV SNES script. I referenced the script at this site , but the transcription was originally done by Andy Church.