do feel free to ignore this entry
I hate feeling fat. Spending 30 dollars on pants to come home and put them on and only being able to draw the conclusion that the mirror in the store had to have been lying.
I hate these entries and I hate being shallow.
I hate my lack of self-discipline and my instability.
Not knowing what to do with my future and with my education.
Knowing that I and my parents will be wasting money on a useless degree makes me feel like pursuing a bachelor's degree is pointless.
I hate that my mind doesn't work very well anymore. I don't read much or draw much.
I hate that my former high school art teacher has Lou Gehrig's disease and that I don't know how to contact her. That I'm wasting this gift she taught me by not using it.
I hate crying and the violence I feel when I look at myself and analyze myself. I feel like I should be in a mental institution for my self destructive tendencies.
I hate the moments and people in my life that have made me feel like nothing.
I hate that I loved you more than I am capable of describing and you threw that away. That I was willing to sacrifice everything for the sake of loving and being with you when you chose to leave. That I tolerated your abuse submissively. That you created my panic attacks and my scars and my poor appetite and my anxiety. That the other girls were always more important than the one that was in love with you. I hate that I can look back on all of that and still miss you.
I hate being alone in this house. To not have anywhere to go or anyone to go there with. That the amazing people of my life have left. I feel alone.
I hate that feeling alone isn't ok anymore.
I hate knowing that I will spend the next five years of my life like this.
I hate the cold and the wind. I can't find anything beautiful to take pictures of. It's all dead.
I hate the attention I get sometimes. That I make friends with the people who didn't want me as a "friend."
I hate the dependence that people imply toward me, I hate when someone steps to close and invades my space but I also wish to have someone that could be close.
I hate everyone who harbors expectations of me that I will never meet. The people that presume things and that I always feel I will disappoint.