La de da
So counselling yesterday wasn't as painful as I thought. I mean, it still sucked, but not so bad.
Went over the childhood stuff that I posted last week. And that I have to accept that whats done is done, and try to change it now, rather than expecting it to change back then. Which made sense. And that now I dont have a mum to tell me she loves me or is proud of me (which she never did) and it is up to me to say those things to myself. Thats scary. I have trouble being nice to myself. I get embarrassed if I do well, and downplay it as if it is a fluke or could happen to anyone. I think this is partly a nz culture, and tall poppy syndrome etc. But I know that I dont think Im much at all, so surely I cant do anything well....
We also discovered that I have trouble saying that mum tried to kill herself, or tried to commit suicide. I can say it in my head, I can write/type it, but saying it out loud seems to be trouble. Not sure why that is. I have to think on it.
I also walked for well over an hour, because I had to take my car for a warrant and so walked to counselling, which was 45 minutes. Then caught a bus to St Lukes. And then walked from there back to get my car, which was another 20-30 minutes or so.
I really struggled to do that first walk. I was going to catch the bus. And I had to really force myself. Also not sure why that is. I don't have trouble having to do stuff at the zoo. Im not constantly lazy. I just am very apathetic... and I cant be bothered. And I need to sort my shit out!!
Today I went to the doctors to get my referall for my post-lletz colposcopy. And she said that she had read the letters from Wellington hospital and I have them all stumped. My cervix is confusing? Basically when they look at it, it looks normal, or like a low-grade abnormality. But my first biopsy came back as CIN II which is highly abnormal, and then my lletz biopsy came back as CIN III which is the grade just below being regarded as cancerous. So WTF? So she thinks they will take another biopsy this time, but if its not sorted, they might do a cone biopsy, which involves general anaesthesia and means I could have labour and birth complications if I have kids. Awesome. I dont want to go through that up here when I only have like 2 friends and noone really that could even come with me and drive me home from the hospital.... Gah.
The doctor also decided to do bloods for general health - iron, b12 levels, glucose etc, and has thrown in some liver and kidney panels since I told her about the bizarre pain episode from the weekend. Also given me Losec, and some antibiotics because I have folliculitis - but I hate antibiotics and I dont see how they will help it from recurring anyway...
Went over the childhood stuff that I posted last week. And that I have to accept that whats done is done, and try to change it now, rather than expecting it to change back then. Which made sense. And that now I dont have a mum to tell me she loves me or is proud of me (which she never did) and it is up to me to say those things to myself. Thats scary. I have trouble being nice to myself. I get embarrassed if I do well, and downplay it as if it is a fluke or could happen to anyone. I think this is partly a nz culture, and tall poppy syndrome etc. But I know that I dont think Im much at all, so surely I cant do anything well....
We also discovered that I have trouble saying that mum tried to kill herself, or tried to commit suicide. I can say it in my head, I can write/type it, but saying it out loud seems to be trouble. Not sure why that is. I have to think on it.
I also walked for well over an hour, because I had to take my car for a warrant and so walked to counselling, which was 45 minutes. Then caught a bus to St Lukes. And then walked from there back to get my car, which was another 20-30 minutes or so.
I really struggled to do that first walk. I was going to catch the bus. And I had to really force myself. Also not sure why that is. I don't have trouble having to do stuff at the zoo. Im not constantly lazy. I just am very apathetic... and I cant be bothered. And I need to sort my shit out!!
Today I went to the doctors to get my referall for my post-lletz colposcopy. And she said that she had read the letters from Wellington hospital and I have them all stumped. My cervix is confusing? Basically when they look at it, it looks normal, or like a low-grade abnormality. But my first biopsy came back as CIN II which is highly abnormal, and then my lletz biopsy came back as CIN III which is the grade just below being regarded as cancerous. So WTF? So she thinks they will take another biopsy this time, but if its not sorted, they might do a cone biopsy, which involves general anaesthesia and means I could have labour and birth complications if I have kids. Awesome. I dont want to go through that up here when I only have like 2 friends and noone really that could even come with me and drive me home from the hospital.... Gah.
The doctor also decided to do bloods for general health - iron, b12 levels, glucose etc, and has thrown in some liver and kidney panels since I told her about the bizarre pain episode from the weekend. Also given me Losec, and some antibiotics because I have folliculitis - but I hate antibiotics and I dont see how they will help it from recurring anyway...