Defeated?
After all the job searching I've done, I've still got nothing to show for it. I feel like I'm getting nowhere and it's ruining everything. People don't seem to understand my ambitions and why I push them away the way I do. All I've ever wanted was to have a family of my own. But I can't do that until I'm financially stable and I can't be stable working at a minimum wage job that doesn't get me anywhere in life nor a decent raise. I don't like living paycheck to paycheck. And to top it all off, I have 25k worth of loans to pay back. I'm never going to be stable enough to afford children. I envy my sister because she gets to have everything she wants. Parents who will support her and take care of her for the rest of her life, while the other children are left out to fend for themselves. She gets to have a child and not stress about finances because we all know our parents will do anything for their precious favorite. While I will never have that luxury and watch sadly from a distance while she gets to keep it and I wouldn't. I sometimes wish people could see under my tough exterior that I'm just a sad, lonely person. I just always worry that I'll never get the happiness that I want or deserve. I've worked so hard, for what? I get nothing in return and I just don't know if it's worth it anymore. I'm never going to find anyone that will love me for me and be patient and look past my guardedness and be understanding and like me despite my many faults and feigned emotionless attitude. I care so much but I don't want to show it. I get excited too easily and then crushed even harder. Sometimes I feel it's hard being me because I feel too much. I feel everything. I think about everything. The guilt eats me up inside. I have so much compassion I worry about it. I think about the families on the other side of the war. How they must feel. I think about the ones who died. They must have someone who loves them and they're devastated now because their loved one is dead. I think about it all the time. I go insane with all the thinking. I understand the rage and violence and the need to kill, but then I can't do it because I think about the person's family. I get inside their head and think about what their life is like. Why they do the things they do. I wish I could stop thinking and caring and stressing about problems that aren't even mine to deal with. All these emotions, they terrify me. I just want someone to love me.