Fic: ... And the Battle Began (Chapter Nine, Part Two)

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Much later when they're in bed, having munched through a Chinese takeaway from somewhere they trust not to put meat in anything, Katie's curled against Naomi's side and it feels like they're friends more so than ever before.

It's rubbish though because Naomi knows that only one of them feels that way.

She's nearly asleep when Katie whispers in her ear, "Hey, babes. I just wanted to say as well that, like, I'm really fucking sorry about the way I've been over the last few months."

"What?" Naomi says, stroking Katie's arm.

"I mean, well, 'cos you know how I said it's premature menopause? Well, they said I could have been having shitty mood swings and I've never fucking noticed so anything I've done or said or whatever might have been because of that."

Naomi thinks about it for a second, and it's a horrible kind of clicking into place of everything, considering that maybe the things that Katie says and does are because of her hormones and Naomi wonders if that means the Katie she's known of late isn't her Katie at all.

But then, no, she thinks. It'd still mean she wanted Emily. Wants Emily. Nothing changes that.

So she squeezes Katie, and says lightly, "Oh, I don't think I've noticed anything. You've been the picture of calm."

"Bitch," Katie jibes and then pokes Naomi in the ribs so that she wriggles further away until Katie pulls her back in. "But, seriously babes - I'm sorry. And you don't have to lie to protect me, you know? I can handle it."

The smile's gone from Naomi face then as she considers Katie's words. There are some things Katie won't be able to handle, or at least one thing in particular.

"Okay," she whispers into Katie's hair, kissing it before settling back down.

It's quiet for a long time before Katie says, "Thank you," really quietly and snuggles down into Naomi's shoulder.

She's finds sleep long before Naomi does even though she's probably almost as exhausted.

It's fucking awful timing, this news. And fucking fuck Effy for sticking her nose in, Naomi thinks as she turns onto her side, feeling Katie shift around her and roll onto her own side, sticking out a leg so that it's resting against the back of one of Naomi's. Although she knows she can't really blame Effy, because it's fucking obvious she's known something for ages and hasn't said anything when she really could have done.

Though Naomi remembers something from the night before, something that Cook said about Emily taking something, and Naomi blinks her eyes open properly as she ponders what he could have meant by that.

Maybe Effy's told him something, Naomi thinks. But he's not exactly shouting about it even if he does know.

She decides to ask him about it the next time they catch up (if ever, seeing as the way things got left with him was a bit fucking horrible) just to make sure he's decent enough to keep his mouth shut.

It feels like covering her tracks and she doesn't like it. But it's a necessity for now. At least until she talks to Emily and they can figure what their next move should be.

Her thoughts, completely by accident, drift to Emily then, and how they'd made love last night under cover, breathing into each other's mouths as they came, Emily whispering about how good it felt when Naomi was inside her and telling Naomi that she was about to come, really hard, and then doing so around Naomi's fingers.

And Naomi remembers how she'd kissed Emily until she came down, contracting around Naomi's soaking fingers and then pulling them out and up to her mouth where she licked her own wetness from them.

It had made Naomi open her own legs again, taking Emily's hand and putting it straight back between them where Emily seemed surprised at how wet Naomi was (again, still) but started off a quick rhythm, as best she could with minimal friction and pressing down hard with all of her fingers. Naomi had come within a minute, biting down on the blanket to try and keep from screaming out.

She shakes her head now, though, and squeezes her thighs together to try to quell the tingling feeling in between her legs. She considers, for a moment, actually touching herself, maybe going to the bathroom where she can do it without disturbing Katie, but the thought makes her feel skanky so she tries to think of something else while the throbbing desists.

Naomi sighs and reaches for her phone, considers sending a text to Emily and then worries that it'll sound ridiculously loud in her quiet room and puts her phone back on the dresser.

Sleep will come, she knows it will. But she can't help but want to cry for a little while on Katie's behalf about the injustice of it all.

Maybe Emily should get herself checked out too, Naomi thinks absently as she feels her eyelids begin to droop. Just in case.

****

It feels like a long afternoon the next day, with Katie leaving with a sigh and a determined - albeit tired - look on her face to head home and talk to Emily.

Naomi had taken the opportunity to send Emily a quick text asking her to call her after she'd spoken to Katie but that she still hadn't broken it off.

Emily had responded with a rather curt, Okay. xxx and Naomi had stared at the three kisses for longer than necessary as she tried to figure out if that meant that Emily wasn't cross.

She was still staring at her phone, biting her lip, when her mum found her in the kitchen.

"All right, love? Katie gone?"

"Yeah, she has." Naomi locks and pockets her phone, hoping that it won't be too long until it rings.

Gina's faffing with something, rummaging through the drawers as she talks.

"Love, you haven't seen my other earring have you?" she asks, waggling the one she has in Naomi's direction at which Naomi shakes her head so her mum keeps looking. "Balls. I thought it was down the back of the sofa but there's bugger all down there except for pennies and a tiny bit of hash from fuck knows when."

Naomi laughs softly, wishing her problems ended at a missing earring. What she was about to lose was bigger than that, though. One half of the pair she'd been so used to keeping.

"What's up, sweetheart?" Gina's saying then, stilling her movements.

Naomi thinks about saying nothing but then changes her mind.

"Mum, when you need to tell someone something bad is it... is it best to just get it out there, even if it's probably a bad time?"

Gina cocks her head as she thinks, and Naomi wonders if she does that too. One of those little traits that have been passed down from mother to daughter. One of the things that Katie will never get to find out about.

"Well, I think that it's always better to be honest, even if it lands you in hot water. But if you're trying to spare someone's feelings then... actually, no. You should still tell them."

Naomi sighs, nods, checks her phone even though it's only been about three minutes since Emily last texted her.

"But," Gina says, coming up close and laying a hand on Naomi's arm. "You already knew that, didn't you darling?"

"Yeah. Yeah I know. Fuck it, Mum, I just wish it was easier."

"Nothing ever is, Naomi. Not things that are worth it. You care about Katie, I know that. She knows that too so I'm sure that whatever it is that you need to tell her she'll understand. If you do it right."

Naomi wrinkles up her nose pokes her mum in the arm. "If I give you a fiver, tell her for me will you?"

"Ha!" Gina barks, and then squints at Naomi as she walks away. "No fucking chance. Plus, if you want me to tell her it would involve you telling me what the fuck's going on and you're too bloody good at being hypothetical to let on what's actually happening. So sort your own shit out."

Her mum winks as Naomi laughs, and then Gina's going through another drawer that's filled with crap, exclaiming, "Aha!" as she presents the other earring to Naomi.

"Smashing. Right, love. I'm off to a council meeting. If I'm not back by seven expect to be my one call from the nick."

Naomi doesn't have enough time to ask if she's joking but can only assume that she is for the sake of her own sanity and rolls her eyes.

Her phone's still silent, unblinking, unbeeping, but she knows that Katie will be almost home by now and then it's just a matter of time.

Emily will ring when she's ready. Naomi just needs to find a way to occupy her time until then.

****

It occurs to Naomi around three o'clock that she's actually got fucking exams coming up and needs to revise, so she stops flicking through crap TV and heads to her room to try and pick one subject to focus on.

She's got a massive stack of books that used to seem exciting, that beckoned her over whispering things about knowledge and learning and moving on but now when Naomi looks at them all she can hear is the hard beating of her own heart and it makes her panic. She hasn't been focussed for ages and she knows if she's not careful she'll end up failing.

She's never failed before and she doesn't intend to start now so, putting on something relaxing from one of Emily's playlists on her iTunes, Naomi settles down and puts thoughts of all Fitches out of her mind for as long as the day will allow her.

****

There's a fairly decent pile of notes to the right of her desk by the time it's got dark and, during her session, Naomi's realised that she knows all of this stuff anyway. It's just a matter of getting it to sink in.

She's leaning back in her chair, pondering a sandwich, when she hears her phone vibrate somewhere.

"Shit," she mutters and starts rummaging around on her desk, papers flying off from where they've been neatly stacked and landing on the floor like rectangular, flat snow.

It's nearly rung off by the time Naomi finds it pushed to the back of her desk under a notebook and she tries not to sound flustered as she picks it up, only quickly glancing at the screen as she presses answer.

"Hello?" she starts and waits for that voice.

"Hey, you got a minute?"

"Yeah," Naomi breathes, sitting back down in her chair, smiling at the sound of her voice. "Of course."

"So, she told me. I can't believe she only just told me but then..."

"Hey, Ems, look - she only told me yesterday, okay? I just think it was a matter of coming around to it."

"Yeah, I s'pose." Emily sounds deflated, tired, and Naomi pictures her perched on her bed, running her hand across her face, and wonders what she can say to cheer her up.

"Want to pop over for a cuddle?"

Emily laughs quietly and Naomi closes her eyes at the sound of it, wants it closer, right by her ear, against her neck, into her hair.

"Well, that would be lovely. But I'm not sure it's the best timing."

Naomi twists her mouth to the side, knowing Emily's right. It's shit timing all over, actually.

"Yeah, Ems, about that -"

"I know," Emily sighs. "I was thinking the same thing."

"But... I still want to tell her. I mean, not about... just... I still want you, okay?"

There's another big sigh and the shifting of covers, and Naomi wants to feel as close to Emily as she can so she walks to her own bed and curls up on the pillows with the phone still to her ear.

"I know. I mean - okay. God," Emily breathes. "We're fucking awful, aren't we? I mean she's downstairs crying with my mum and we're not even talking about her."

"Is she okay? I know she's not completely okay but is she coping?"

"Yeah, well. Mum's making it worse, I think. Of course she's looking at me now like I'm the last chance she's got for grandchildren. That'll be a kicker when she finds out about me."

Naomi shifts around, wishing they were having this conversation in a place where she could see Emily's face and hold her hand, possibly press a light kiss to her forehead as she keeps talking.

"So, she doesn't know then? About you, I mean."

"Nope. None of them know. How could I ever tell them when Katie got there first?"

It hits Naomi then, how hard this is all going to be. She can't just be with Emily. It'll have to be a secret, possibly forever.

It takes her two seconds to weigh up whether or not that's worth it before she's back on track, and she's hearing what Emily's really saying.

"Got there first? You mean, like -"

"She'll think I'm copying her," Emily sighs. "Trying to be cool or whatever. When really I've been gay all along and she's just been -"

Emily stops short then and Naomi tenses, holds her breath.

"Sorry," Emily continues. "Sorry, I don't mean it like that. She loves you, we both know it."

"Yeah," Naomi says quietly, but she questions it still, how Katie feels about her. She says love, and it looks like she means it, but Naomi can see the fear in her eyes if she looks closely enough. It's not the same fear she sees in Emily's, the one that says, I'm screwed forever if you don't feel the same.

Katie's says, I'm screwed forever if you do.

"Oh, I think she's coming," Emily says quietly. "Listen, can we meet somewhere to talk? I know it sounds shitty but..."

"No, it's okay. I think that's a good idea. Ems, I -"

"Hey, Katie," Emily's saying then, followed by, "Naomi's on the phone. She rang to see if you were okay."

"Aw," Katie says in the background and then closer. "Hey babe. That's sweet, ringing Ems to see if I'm okay."

"Yeah," Naomi says and squeezes her eyes shut, trying to push the guilt from the lies away (it doesn't work). "So, are you okay?"

"Hang on a sec," she sniffs and when she speaks again she's got her face away from the phone. "Thanks Ems. Can you, like, give us five minutes please? Just need some privacy, yeah?"

Emily must nod because Naomi hears nothing and tries not to get angry that she didn't have time to say goodbye to Emily properly. She needs to not let it get to her because Katie will wonder what's wrong and it's already a world of not fair on her.

"Sorry babes," Katie's saying then. "Well, fuck me. Glad that's over and done with. I wasn't sure either of us were gonna stop crying. I don't think she'd ever really considered that I wouldn't have babies, even though I'm with you now, I reckon she thought it'd still happen one day."

"Ah right," Naomi says, and she can't help it, that it comes out. She thinks it was always going to. "What when you got with a bloke again after me?"

"What?" Katie squeaks. "What the fuck are you on about? You know that's got fuck all to do with anything."

"So you're not denying it, then?" Naomi wishes she could stop but angering Katie, getting her to admit that she was the one who never believed in them from the beginning seems to make Naomi feel like she's been vindicated. Like everything she's done has been justified because they were at the end of a fuse that had already been lit and the flame was getting closer.

"Oh my God, I cannot believe we are having this conversation right now. Do you have no fucking clue what I'm going through, Naomi? Do you get this at all?"

Naomi sighs, shakes her head. "I'm trying, really. I'm sorry, it's just... No, I'm sorry Kay."

"God, you're such a twat. Honestly. You fucking know how much I love you."

She wants to respond with Do I? but instead says, "Yeah. Yeah I know."

"Look, I'm not mad or anything," Katie says, and she does sound calmer. "But I think I want to go and be with my mum and my sister for a bit, okay?"

"Yeah sure. Okay."

"Naoms..."

"It's fine, hon. I'm revising anyway and you should... go. Go be with your family. And I'll be here when you need me."

"Okay, that sounds good. I'll text you later."

"Okay. Bye for now."

"Bye babes."

There's no I love you from either of them. Naomi hopes it's a sign that Katie's finally getting it, how they're not working any more.

She rolls onto her back, staring at the ceiling that's got a big, brown damp patch forming in the corner. It'll spread, Naomi knows. It'll spread until she can't ignore it anymore and then she can either paint over it or tear it down, make a massive hole until she's staring up into nothing.

Or maybe, instead of nothing, there'll be little shafts of light that shine through the cracks in the roof up above. Little beams that fall on her when she's sleeping, going Wake up. Wake up, Naomi. It'll be better when you can see.

She lays there for a while until she hears the front door go and her mum call up the stairs. It's probably time she told her mum a few things, just so that she can be prepared for when stuff finally does happen.

Not everything, though. She doesn't need to know everything. Naomi's not sure that everyone ever will.

****

Getting Emily by herself proves to be a difficult task for Naomi as every time Emily rings her Katie's around or just coming into the room. And it's not that Katie's milking her condition, really, it's just that she's taking notice of it and listening to her body.

It's not just the fact Katie can't have kids, Naomi's coming to understand - it's also that her body is changing (or going through the change, even) and Katie's coming clean about all the symptoms she's had for months and admitting to the fact that, yeah, something is different.

She'd sat down with Naomi one evening and spilled it all, apologised for her lack of sex drive (Naomi hadn't really noticed that anything was different on Katie's end in that respect seeing as she'd been so concerned with doing her best to keep their sex life on the back-burner) and how she has to keep rushing to the toilet because her bladder is being a bitch. Naomi had held her hand and said that she didn't need to apologise for any of that stuff, that she should just do what her body was telling her to.

It was nice for Naomi to see the relief flash across Katie's face and she wondered briefly what might have happened if Katie had mentioned all of this sooner, whether it would have made a difference to the way she saw Katie.

But then she'd remember Emily and it answered her question for her.

And Katie isn't any different to how she's always been from what Naomi can tell. She's always been snappy and a bit selfish and self-absorbed, only this time Naomi needs to let her be these things rather than getting pissy with her because of them. It's why she can't get annoyed when she's trying to sort out a time to see Emily and Katie interrupts their call yet again.

"That Naoms?" Katie says on the other end.

"Tell her yeah, tell her we're planning something for her - that way she might give us a break," Naomi whispers and feels like a bit of a cunt for doing it, even more so when Emily stumbles over her words.

"I - well yeah. But we need to talk. To each other."

"What? Why?"

"We... it's a surprise, yeah? So why don't you fuck off for a minute."

Katie sounds brighter then as she says, "Oh! Well why didn't you just say?" and then louder, so that Naomi can hear. "Bye babes, call me later, yeah?"

"Naomi says okay," Emily says before Naomi can prompt her and then she's silent until Katie's shut the door. "Give it a second," she whispers, and Naomi finds that she's holding her breath. "Okay, she's downstairs. Fuck, I'm shit at this."

"That's okay, Ems," Naomi smiles and picks a bit of lint off her cardigan. It might be Emily's, actually. Probably. "If you're shit at it it just means that you're not a complete bastard."

"Nope, just a bit of one. Ugh, Naoms, can this just be over now?"

"Soon, I think. I hope. How about... let's go to The Arcade, where Shakeaway is, near the big Primark."

Emily barks out a laugh. "What? Why do you want to go there? It's fucking horrible."

"Exactly. Katie would never find us there. And we can nip across to The Mall while we're there and pick her up something cheap from Argos."

"Oh lovely. I hear they're doing a new line of Lily Allen stuff. Reckon that's classy enough?"

"Perfect. So, okay. Free in an hour?"

Emily says that she is and they agree to meet outside, hanging up with a simple bye that Naomi hears in her mind minutes after she's put the phone down. It feels like it's been ages since she's seen Emily, since the morning after Gobbler's End, and she almost feels giddy at the thought of it.

She has to brush aside that horrible niggling feeling the they're deceiving Katie by what they're doing. But it's only going to be a conversation, that's all, and they'll pick something up for Katie on the way and maybe she and Emily will be a little clearer about what they're going to do by the end of the day.

They're working towards making it better, this time, rather than running away from it and trying to make sure that the only people who got hurt were themselves.

****

Naomi feels a familiar heat creep through her once she gets close enough to see Emily's shock of red hair (Naomi's sure it's getting brighter) through the people milling around near the bus stop.

Emily hasn't seen her yet and sits cross legged on a bench and keeps glancing up at the opposite end of the street and then back down to her lap every few seconds.

It looks like she's about to get whiplash so Naomi keeps walking, sitting down silently next to her and nudging Emily with her shoulder.

"Christ!' Emily starts, turning around to face Naomi, her features softening when she realises who's just invaded her personal space.

"Nope, just me," Naomi winks and Emily laughs.

"Glad to see your ego's still intact." Emily bumps their shoulders together and then lets it linger there.

There's that feeling brewing in Naomi, one that she needs to put away if they're going to get anything done, but it doesn't stop her from sliding her palm around her thigh until the back of her hand is touching Emily's leg and she's stroking it with her pinkie.

She meets Emily's eyes, catching as they glance down at Naomi's lips and, fuck, does Naomi ever want to kiss her. Just once, just quickly.

But she knows it wouldn't be once, or quick, and it'd be very public and very obvious and she's not sure that the people of Bristol are quite prepared for such an obvious display of lesbianism. Not outside of Old Market Street, anyway.

"Come on," she forces herself to say. "Let's get a milkshake."

****

They both get a soy option, Naomi raising her eyebrows at Emily who just shrugs and says, "When in Rome," and pays for both of them.

It's better that way, then, because they can share, swapping their banoffee muffin and Jammie Dodger shakes back and forth between them as they wander across the street to The Mall, and Naomi has to keep repeating this isn't a date, this isn't a date over and over in her head, hoping at some point that she'll believe it.

The whole thing reminds her of last year, though, when she and Emily would do normal things together and it wasn't laced with anything, and Naomi didn't know that Emily felt the way that she does. Or did. And it peaks Naomi's curiosity.

"Ems," Naomi starts, dodging the giant concrete balls that cover the middle of the street, acting as seats for boyfriends holding shopping bags and checking their mobiles. "Back at school, like, when we used to do stuff together, did you...?"

"Afraid so," Emily sighs, and looks up at Naomi. "You're not pissed off, are you? That I never said?"

Naomi considers it for a moment, takes a slurp and then holds the milkshake away from her as she thinks. "No," she decides finally. "Not pissed off. I just wish I'd known, I think."

"Oh. Well that's good. But, I mean, what could I have said? It's not great to come right out with the fact that you fancy your sister's girlfriend."

"Mm," Naomi hums, wondering why she suddenly feels a bit sick, and then realises that it's disappointing. Emily just fancies her, then. But she's sure it was more. She's sure Emily was going to tell her that time in the tent that she...

"Naoms? You okay? You've gone all quiet." Emily's in front of her suddenly, stopping them from moving. Her hand's on Naomi's arm, too, and it's helped to stop her head from buzzing out of control and she manages a smile for Emily.

"Yeah, sorry. Just thinking. Come on, let's go and have a look around."

"Okay." Emily steps to the side and they continue walking.

Naomi's arm burns from where Emily had touched it, and their hands brush together as they wander around, Emily pointing out and laughing at the guy with the stand full of novelty t-shirts inside The Mall.

"I heart Brizzle?" Emily grins.

"Proper authentic Brizzle merch, this, my lover. Tenner for you," the stall-holder man says, gesturing at his collection.

"No thanks," Naomi winces, finishing off the last of her shake. "We're not tourists."

"Don't need to be tourists to appreciate our gorgeous city, yeah? Voted happiest place in Britain in 2008."

Naomi rolls her eyes and drags Emily by the wrist towards a bin where they can deposit their empty cups.

"I reckon we should get Katie one," Emily says, and Naomi lets go of her.

"Yeah? She'd probably do us a favour and dump me on the spot." It's meant to be funny but it doesn't quite come out that way and Naomi shakes her head at herself.

"Is that..." Emily stops and pulls them around the corner by the hairdressers, tucked out of the way and hidden from most of the afternoon shoppers. "Is that what you want?"

Emily's backed against a wall and Naomi just can't help it; she leans down and kisses Emily, right there in public, and Emily kisses her back. She cups Naomi's cheeks and Naomi leans in closer, hands on Emily's neck.

"Ems," Naomi says, pulling back. "I want you. It's working out what the fuck to do about that that's the problem."

"We can't do it now, can we? Not while she's going through all of this."

Naomi bites her lip and looks away.

"God," Emily breathes and threads their fingers together between their bodies. "I wish I'd met you first."

Naomi doesn't know what to say so she just kisses her again, softly.

"Soon, okay?" she whispers.

****

They pick up a new necklace for Katie that neither of them can really afford but it's partly out of guilt that they're buying it so they go a little overboard.

It gets late but they keep wandering around the shops, looking at nothing and letting their hands brush together whenever they can, until Emily gets a message that dinner's in an hour and she sighs and says she has to go.

"I don't want to, though. I wish I could stay with you," Emily whispers at the bus stop and Naomi wants to drag Emily away somewhere where they can have another kiss, another stolen moment just for them.

"I know. Me too. But, listen - I'll see you at college, okay?"

Emily nods, but Naomi can tell what she's thinking. It's not enough, not for either of them, and Naomi wonders how much time is reasonable before breaking things off with Katie.

It's going to have to be done, now. Like the choice made itself for her, like Emily was the foregone conclusion and Naomi's only just being let into the secret.

She watches until the bus goes around the corner before finding her fags and lighting one up for the walk home.

Her phone vibrates a minute later and Naomi reads the message with a sigh.

I know this is ridiculous but I miss you already. I always do when you're not around. See you soon, Ems. xxx

Naomi texts back with a, Yeah, I know. Me too. It doesn't say nearly enough, about how her chest feels tighter already now that Emily's gone or how she can still taste Emily on her lips or how she's going to have to go home and touch herself just to relieve the tension from seeing her.

She deletes the message and the sent message. It feels like the most horrible thing she's done so far, covering it up, even though she knows she's done far worse before now.

It's a waiting game, this. She wonders how they'll cope with it knowing what they know. What they've admitted to having known all along, really.

****

The texts continue in a very stealthy fashion with Emily sending them from bed when Katie isn't at Naomi's and Naomi sending them during college when Katie's sitting with Effy.

They start out innocent enough, just expressing a general feeling of longing that flows between them, but somewhere along the line they turn filthy.

I miss being inside you. And the taste of you. I want you, soon. E xxx

God, Ems. I think you just made me wet saying that. I wish my fingers were your fingers right now. Nx

Fuck, are you touching yourself? Tell me what you're doing. xxx

And Naomi describes as best she can how she keeps dipping into her wetness before fingering her clit. Emily tells her she wishes she could do the same but that she wants Naomi to come for her, and she does, dutifully, tensing her entire body and thinking of Emily as she does it.

It only feels dirty when, at the end of the night, she deletes everything again. Like it never even happened.

****

Things with Katie stay the same and, due to her irregular periods and lack of sex drive, they end up snuggling more than anything. They don't go out much, except for the occasional pub outing with everyone (still minus Cook, which Naomi notes with a frown and wonders if she should actually give him a ring to find out where he is) and usually Emily chats with JJ and a rather sad looking Pandora though she looks over at Naomi every now and then and flashes a grin before turning her attention back to whatever JJ's saying.

Sometimes, Naomi notes, he puts his hand on her knee and she leaves it there for a second or two before gently removing it and putting it back in his lap.

Naomi wonders, absently, how much blood there would be if she cut it off for him and whether he'd whine like the girl that he is when she did it. Then she remembers that she's a humanitarian and that sort of thing just isn't doable so she contemplates when would be a good time to accidentally kick him in the balls instead.

Katie's usually touching Naomi in some way, though, and it reminds Naomi that she's waiting for a time when that won't happen. It'll be a big loss, she knows it, and wishes there would be some way of keeping Katie as a friend but she knows, deep down, that it wouldn't be possible. Not even if she never found out about her and Emily.

Naomi hopes that Katie never has to know. She's already part-broken. Naomi doesn't want to be the one to shatter her completely.

****

She kisses Emily only one other time before they agree it's a good idea to break it to Katie after exams, giving them a definitive date when at least the first part of their problem (and Naomi hates thinking of Katie as that but it's all she can do now) will be solved.

"Christ," Emily says as she pushes against Naomi in a cubicle at a club they've gone to the week before their exams start properly, something Freddie had suggested in the rec room and had pushed at until they'd all agreed.

"Ssh," Naomi whispers, reaching under Emily's top to tweak her nipple, and Emily gasps into her mouth.

"I want you so fucking much," Emily whispers in her ear, and then Naomi feels a hand pushing between her legs over her skirt. "Right now."

"I can't... Emily, I can't," Naomi breathes into her mouth, though she's opening her legs a little wider as she says it and is pushing onto Emily's hand. "It's not right, not here. Not now."

"I know," Emily says, and slips her hand under Naomi's skirt and into her knickers. "Oh fuck."

Naomi hums into her mouth, wondering if she's had too much to drink because she's being a little aggressive with her tongue and Emily's giving as good as she gets.

Emily's leg joins her hand and then there's this incredible pressure on Naomi's clit and she bears down.

"Yeah?" Emily says, looking right into Naomi's eyes. Naomi's about to give in completely and say yes, fuck yes, don't ever fucking stop when she hears the door to the bathroom swing open and then Katie's shouting for them.

"Guys, Freds says it's shit here and we should go somewhere else instead. We'll be outside. Love you!"

Emily's put her free hand over Naomi's mouth, which has only made Naomi breathe more heavily through her nose, and she leaves it there until they hear the door shut again as Katie heads back out.

"Shit," Naomi says, Emily's hand still firmly wedged in her knickers.

"Sorry." Emily slides her hand out slowly and Naomi misses it instantly, waiting for the pulsing between her legs to fade. "Got a bit carried away."

She reaches behind her for some loo roll and wipes her hand off with it before chucking it in the toilet as Naomi adjusts herself.

"Yeah, me too," Naomi sighs, straightening her skirt and leaning back against the other wall.

"We need to not do this," Emily says, shaking her head but pressing herself back up against Naomi all the same, running her hands down Naomi's sides and up over her breasts.

"Emily..." Naomi warns and Emily pulls her hands back, but they're both smiling. "Christ, I hope you're still this into it when we're..."

Emily's eyes go wide as she says, "What? When we're what?"

"You know what, Ems." Naomi reaches out and lets her fingers trail down Emily's cheek.

"Say it," Emily whispers with her eyes closed, and Naomi can't help that she closes the distance between them again, leaning down so her lips are brushing against Emily's ear.

"When we're together, Emily. When you're mine." She kisses a piercing before she pulls away, wondering when Emily made her this brave. Or drunk, she thinks as she stumbles back, trying to figure out if Emily's spiked her drink.

"It sounds good, when you say it," Emily breathes out a shuddery breath and swallows, the remnants of gloss still shining on her lips.

"Come on," Naomi says, pulling herself away from watching Emily just being Emily (or, rather, Emily being part of Emily and Naomi) and she tells herself that it won't be long until she can do this for real, without the guilt. Or, rather, with considerably less guilt - she can't hope to be guilt-free for a long while yet.

"Yeah, okay, just one more..." Emily leans up for another kiss that they both hum into. "Lovely."

They sort out their make-up quickly before joining the others outside where Effy looks impatient until she sees them and then she just raises an eyebrow and Naomi has to look away.

Katie's on her phone anyway and only looks up when Freddie says, "Right, shed," and Naomi's all set to follow, perhaps a little behind Emily so she can watch as her arse moves in the almost-darkness but Katie pulls on her arm before she can get anywhere.

"Babes, I'm not really feeling the shed tonight. Can we go back to yours?"

Naomi flails for a moment, looks over to where Emily's frowning at them before looking back to Katie.

"Yeah, course." Naomi forces a smile and shouts out, "Hey, you lot - we're off home. See you Monday."

"Right, cool," Freddie shouts over his shoulder and then slings his arm around Effy.

"Bye," Naomi says, right at Emily and Emily nods back before turning and running to catch up with the others.

There's just enough time for Naomi to see her link her arm through JJ's before Katie's pulling her around and steering them in the direction of a taxi.

He means nothing, Naomi tells herself as Katie slides her fingers with manicured nails through Naomi's with chipped, blue nail-varnish and puts the image of JJ touching Emily out of her mind.

She squeezes Katie's hand a little tighter and Katie smiles up at her, leaning into her side as they separate themselves from the rest of them.

****

They make love that night and Naomi almost cries again. It takes Katie a while to get wet, which Naomi knows is one of the symptoms of the menopause but it makes her sad all the same. They used to be prolific, the two of them, and now they're subdued.

It's almost like Katie knows, Naomi thinks, and stills.

"What's the matter?" Katie breathes against her neck and stops rubbing herself against Naomi's thigh.

"Nothing, sorry. I'm here." Naomi kisses Katie again and it takes them both a moment to get into it but it's not long before Katie's pushing down hard onto Naomi's thigh and groaning.

"Okay," Katie says. "Okay."

****

They're having tea one night - something at the table for once because Gina's cooked it and it just seems sort of proper - when Katie brings up something called the Love Ball.

She stares at Naomi with her fork hovering near her mouth, causing some of Gina's meat-free lasagne to slop off of it and back into the bowl, when Naomi says she doesn't know what Katie's on about.

"Are you shitting me? There are only massive posters up everywhere around college."

"So?" Naomi rolls her eyes, rips off a piece of garlic bread. "I must not have seen them. Probably doing something called learning - I'm sure you've heard of it."

"Oh ha-ha," Katie deadpans and jabs a bit of pasta with her fork a few times before giving up on it. "But seriously - it's next week, just after exams, and I want us to go. It'll be nice."

Naomi thinks back to the previous year and the prom she didn't go to. The thought had filled her with dread back then, that she'd have to stand there amongst all those morons and pretend that she was enjoying herself and have to stare at Katie across the main hall, wanting to be with her, knowing Katie wanted the same thing.

Now, though, now Naomi wishes that Katie didn't want to take her. Maybe she should just take someone else, just like last time.

"I don't think so, babe. It's really not my thing." Naomi mutters and then, shaking away the memory and then, when Katie looks dejected, "Look, why don't you take Ems? Might be nice, the pair of you going together."

Katie snorts then and goes back to digging at her lasagne. "I don't think so. Besides, she's going with JJ."

"JJ?" Naomi blinks, feeling her lip curl into a sneer at the mention of his name.

"Yeah, well. After she let him shag her he's been hanging around her like a fly round shit. Disgusting, really."

Naomi almost drops her fork but manages to keep hold of it at the last minute and, instead, grips onto it tightly so that the sides dig into her fingers. She feels cold, completely, like she's hovering somewhere just outside of her body, and can only manage a feeble, "What?" as Katie munches away.

"Yeah, well. At least she's getting some, finally. Might stop her staring at us all the time like the jealous cow that she is. Honestly, it's about time she got with someone, even if it is a right mental basket like him. I was starting to worry that she was, like, one of those people who just didn't shag anyone."

Naomi can't hear anything else, though. It's like her whole world just fell away in one moment.

Emily - her Emily - has been lying to her. And Naomi realises that everything she thought she knew wasn't real.

She excuses herself and goes to the bathroom, climbing the stairs in a daze and gazes into the mirror and lets herself cry as quietly as she can manage, trying to cast the image of JJ touching Emily out of her mind, wondering how she'd never put the pieces together before.

Looks like the joke's on me, is what she thinks as she watches her face crumple in the mirror, forcing her legs not to fold beneath her like they want to and lets her chest cave in instead, realising that this is what it feels like to have nothing inside her.

Nothing but the promise of something she can never have. She'll be empty forever, she reckons, if this is what it feels like to (fuck it) love someone.

She breathes out shakily, thinking about how it's probably a lucky escape as she wipes at her eyes. Better now than later, better before everything came out. Before Naomi told Emily anything that she wouldn't be able to take back later.

She sorts herself out, splashing water over her face, and heads back downstairs to where Katie's looking up at her, worried.

"You okay, babes? You proper legged it out of here." She reaches across the table and lays a hand on top of Naomi's shaky one.

"Yeah, just - felt a bit funny, sorry."

"S'okay," Katie tries a small smile. "Something I said? Look, you don't have to come, it's all right, I was just -"

"No," Naomi interrupts, sliding her fingers through Katie's. "Let's go. I want to go with you, okay?"

Katie grins and leans across the table for a kiss that's brief enough to not make Naomi cry, and then Katie's rambling on about dresses so Naomi goes back to picking at her dinner.

She'll show Emily that she doesn't need her. She's got everything she needs, even if there's no burning feeling running through her veins when she's with Katie or the pulsing of her heartbeat in her ears when Katie's around, and even though she doesn't see trips to galleries and museums and holidays and university with her. Katie wouldn't do to her what Emily's done.

They can go back, back to the way they were before Naomi let Emily inside her. There'll be a way to get her out again, Naomi's sure of it. There's still time for this all to be put right, time to make it all safe and normal again. The way it was always supposed to be, she thinks, and pushes away from the table to climb onto a surprised Katie, kissing her until she remembers that this is her Katie, the one that she almost lost, and finds a way not to cry at how close she came to ruining it all.

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