Fic: Al the Killer - Emily/Naomi, Katie/Naomi
Title: In Keeping Secrets
Chapter: Al the Killer (Emily)
Pairing: Emily/Naomi, Katie/Naomi
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 6000
Disclaimer: None of the Skins characters belong to me.
Summary: Seal the lips to my voice with haste and cower as they make their way
A/N: There is no one called Al or any killing involved in this chapter. Just so you know. And it's Emily's companion piece for IKS, leading on from where we left her at the end of the last chapter and features her thinking about everything that's led up to that moment.
And thanks to the wife danger_mouse and the other one for betaing this for me <3
All she could think of as she walked away was why? Why the fuck has this happened? It didn’t make the slightest bit of sense, the two of them together.
She had had to leave them all there because Katie was still her sister and she knew there was a strong chance she would inflict a bit more damage if she stayed, but she kept seeing it, the way that their fingers had just kind of fallen together, and when the fuck had this happened?
There were too many problems with it all, and they kept bumping around inside Emily’s head as the wind made her tears feel icy cold as they lined her cheeks. She fucking knew that Katie wasn’t gay and they hated each other, and Naomi loved her. Naomi loved Emily.
She wondered how much of that she should be thinking about in the past tense because at least one of those things was no longer true.
****
It hadn’t been her finest moment, getting fucked by someone she barely knew in a dingy alley outside a nightclub, and she had regretted it every day since it happened.
Had regretted as it was happening.
But she was wasted, like really, and there was no one around who gave a fuck, who would stop her from doing something incredibly stupid. And she’d lost Naomi, like fucking properly this time.
It felt so definite, like there was something in Naomi’s eyes that just wasn’t there and she was picking ridiculous arguments and… yeah, in retrospect, it was a lot to do with being hammered but at the time it had seemed so final, their breaking up.
Emily knew though that it wasn’t on that night that she had lost her really. It had happened ages ago, probably even before she ever really had her.
There was a way about Naomi where she could never quite say everything and Emily would fight her to get all of it out. Sometimes sweetly, with little kisses that tickled Naomi’s ear and hairline and jaw, and sometimes roughly with words that she pretended not to mean after but meant whole-heartedly during and always.
Naomi was just never quite there.
And this girl was everything Naomi wasn’t. She smiled easily and didn’t seem to give a fuck about the people around them and she made Emily feel light and young again.
She loved Naomi, she really did - more than anything in fact. It was just that sometimes it was really fucking hard work.
****
There wasn’t a question in her mind that she wanted to tell Naomi because she’d kept a secret from her before and it had almost backfired horribly.
But there had been a weak link in that situation and she resolved to say nothing to her sister about this, or to anyone.
Besides, it was none of Katie’s fucking business who she slept with. Not even if she was holding her as she was breaking and wondering about what the fuck it was that she had just done.
****
Naomi had been apologetic and loving and it made her feel like absolute shit. She would have told her then, was so close to doing it but then… then there were only two people who knew that this had happened.
So maybe this time it could stay a secret. Naomi wouldn’t have to know what she had done.
It would stay Emily’s burden alone - her punishment for not believing in them when Naomi clearly did. She was here after all, wasn’t she?
****
Emily didn’t know why she couldn’t manage to tell Naomi she loved her back because she did, so very much. The words just wouldn’t make it all the way out of the mouth that had only so very recently told someone who was not Naomi to fuck her harder, faster, rougher.
And she did, that girl. It was nothing like the way Naomi did it, with a whispered and pained ‘I fucking love you, Emily’ at the end of it all.
Not that she’d been a cunt about it; she had done what Emily asked for, after all. Emily just wished that she hadn’t.
****
The day that it finally ended for real Emily cried and her sister held her again.
She still couldn’t manage to tell Katie what she had done because then it would feel real, even more real than the conversation with Naomi had made it. And then Katie would have had a reason to think that Emily really was her loser sister after all.
It seemed to exasperate Katie, that Emily just wouldn’t say anything, but the words just wouldn’t come.
It was over, and it was all her fault.
****
The months between then and Christmas were horrible.
Katie was never around, and Emily thought that her sister would have been relieved that Naomi was finally out of the picture, that they could go back to being sisters without someone else in the way.
If anything, though, Katie was more closed off than she had been before and it riled Emily that she wasn’t even bitchy towards her about it. Like she didn’t even care enough to be a cunt about things.
She’d never wanted to lose Katie over her relationship with Naomi, not ever. But she never imagined that she would be losing her to Effy, of all people.
“You’re spending a lot of time with her,” Emily had accused, as Katie got ready for another night out. Another night Emily wasn’t invited out on and left to ponder all the mistakes that she had made while flicking through coursework on her bed.
“What?” Katie looked like she’d been caught out and her ears went red. She was wearing her hair up a lot more and the scar was barely visible. She’s moved on, Emily thought, and couldn’t believe that she was jealous.
“You know, I’m glad that you’re finally getting along, really. But do you think it’s healthy?”
Katie’s expression was almost unreadable as she moved from shocked to defiant in quick succession. “I didn’t think that you knew.”
And, it was stupid, because how could she not know? But Katie was gearing up for a defensive counter-attack when Emily hadn’t really meant to attack her to begin with.
“What? That you’d rather hang out with the girl that smashed your head in than be with me? You make it pretty fucking obvious, Katie.”
Emily watched as the anger faded from her and she seemed to relax a bit, which was weird because Emily knew that bringing up with her what happened at Gobbler’s End was always sure to start a fight.
“We just,” Katie shrugged, threading a hooped leopard-print earring through her ear. “We get each other, you know? Shared experience or whatever.”
Emily dropped it then and Katie slipped out ten minutes later not even bothering to ask Emily to cover for her.
She would, of course. They were sisters - they always had each other’s backs, whatever happened.
****
At college sometimes Emily watched Naomi and, while her gaze was already frosty if it settled in Emily’s direction, most of the time she looked relaxed. Happy, almost.
It was too much for Emily to think that Naomi wasn’t hurting as much as she was. It made it feel like she’d imagined the whole thing.
****
The first time they properly spoke after it happened, Naomi had tried not to look her directly in the eye. It wasn’t difficult for her, really, as Emily had had some kind of confidence reversion back to a year ago and barely managed to take her eyes off the floor.
“I’ve got your notebook at my house. Or, one of them anyway. Do you want it?” Naomi had asked, like it was paining her to even acknowledge that Emily still existed.
“Erm, yeah. Yeah I do, thanks.”
“Cool, I’ll bring it in.”
Naomi had gone before Emily had even looked back up and felt that she should be used to it by now, watching Naomi walk away.
She wasn’t. And didn’t know if she would ever be.
****
One rather nice side effect of being both Naomi and Katie-less meant that Emily was free to be friends with JJ.
Before he had opened his big gob about the fact that they had slept together, Emily really had enjoyed JJ’s company. He never asked her to be something she wasn’t, or someone more or less than she was. All he wanted was to be her friend.
(The possibility that he might want to be more than friends was something that Emily refused to think about. It was easier that way.)
He was all right really, and they didn’t do much together but he took her mind off being alone.
It didn’t feel like she was using him, not really, and sometimes when he smiled at her so openly she wished that she could just want him instead of Naomi, instead of any other girl.
It might have made everything simpler. But then Emily had stopped wishing for things to be simple a long time ago, when ‘complicated’ meant that she could have Naomi.
She’d take a million complicateds right now, she thought as she watched Naomi laugh with Effy and then throw a stick of celery at Katie, if she could figure out a way to get Naomi back.
****
It started with a change of attitude and, well, she hadn’t really meant to flirt with JJ but it just kind of happened.
She could already feel Naomi watching her across the classroom and laughed and dipped her head as she rested a hand on JJ’s thigh. He smiled at her and it was so honest that it made it feel like her hand was burning.
The door to the classroom banged shut as she removed her hand and watched Naomi hurry away down the corridor.
JJ was asking her around to watch a film but she didn’t really hear it above the sound of her heart beating rapidly in her ears.
Naomi was jealous. It meant that there was still a chance.
****
She perked up considerably after that, settling back into her coursework and not getting shitty with Katie in the rare moments that she did see her.
There was a noticeable change in her sister too. Emily had seen her just randomly smiling to herself when she was getting ready to go out, or sometimes before bed when she was texting and thought that Emily was asleep.
It was obvious she was seeing someone, Emily realised then, and that Effy was just a cover story.
Emily thought it was sweet really, that for once Katie wasn’t rubbing it in her face that she had a new boyfriend, especially seeing as it was just after Emily had broken up with someone for the first time.
It made her think that her sister was finally growing up.
Maybe, Emily wondered, as she undid the lid to her box and started making a pile of things that belonged to another Emily, one from long ago, if it was time that they both did.
****
Things became easier for a while, once she thought that Naomi wasn’t completely lost to her, and college stopped seeming like such a bleak place to be.
There was even a point where they managed a whole conversation without seeming like they’d both rather be gauging out their own eyeballs than be in each other’s company, and they’d actually laughed.
Naomi had touched her arm, like actually reached out for her, and Emily felt like her heart almost stopped, just as it had done all those months ago when Naomi started treating her as a person rather than a nuisance.
It had shocked her, Emily realised, when Naomi made her excuses pretty soon after that.
Progress, though. And it was good enough for Emily.
****
She tried not to think of Naomi around Christmas time, but couldn’t help but picture her eating some kind of vegetarian meal with her Mum and pretending that she hated the whole thing.
Emily had imagined what their first Christmas together would be like, with cuddles by the fire and Naomi telling her that they should remember that it was Christmas everywhere and they should really remember the people who were less fortunate.
It was one of the things that Emily loved about her; how she seemed like she didn’t give a shit about anything but really, secretly, she cared too much.
****
Emily stopped walking then, when she thought about Christmas, remembering Katie slipping out with her help to meet her ‘boyfriend’ and the realization hit her like a kick to the gut.
Katie had gone to see Naomi on Christmas Day and the look on Katie’s face when she returned home had been for Naomi, not for some secret boy.
She felt unsteady on her feet for the first time since she’d left them all there looking shocked and scared and sorry and had to lean heavily on her thighs as she bent over into the gutter and vomited heavily.
It had been going on all that time, while Naomi was smiling and Katie was floaty and she hadn’t suspected a thing.
But how the fuck could she have done? Even if she had thought for a second that Katie was even a little bit gay (which she just hadn’t) she never ever would have expected the two of them to do this to her.
It took a fuckload of willpower to keep going after that, to get home, as the rest of it flashed across her mind - all the times that Katie had slept out or snuck away or said she was with the boy that never existed or with Effy.
And then she remembered New Year’s Eve and suddenly nothing made sense.
****
It had felt like destiny or something, that they had all arranged to go out together and Emily had only detected a slight feeling of animosity between her and Katie, which she figured was because Katie still found her to be less cool than she was, even at this stage.
But, fuck Katie - this was going to be her night. Her night to win Naomi back, to convince her that what they had was special and important and they shouldn’t let it all disappear just because of one stupid mistake.
Emily had felt more alive that night than she had in ages.
She’d won Naomi once; she felt certain that she could do it again.
****
She had been careful not to drink too much because she didn’t want it to feel like she was doing it just because she was pissed. Or too pissed do it properly anyway.
It had been nice hanging around with JJ but she was fearful of being too near to him at midnight, because he probably would have suggested a kiss and, well, doing that once had already been one time too many.
He started to look a little hopeful at about quarter to ten but she’d pulled him down so she could talk directly to his ear and his smile had faded as he straightened up again and nodded, turning away from her.
There wasn’t time to feel guilty about leaving JJ, about possibly leading him on, but then he knew where her heart was - everyone did.
Except, perhaps, for Naomi, and when Katie buggered off somewhere minutes later Emily knew it was time to remind her.
****
“Can I talk to you for a minute?” Emily had said into Naomi’s ear, a hand on her arm.
She noticed Naomi glance around the crowd before nodding and Emily pulled them away from where Effy stood, watching, just like always.
They stopped not far away, but far enough for Emily to feel like it was just them there, instead of being crammed in between people too happy to care that something important was happening.
Naomi ducked her head and Emily caught the smell of her then and almost forgot that she had work to do before she could indulge in things like that again.
“What’s up?” Naomi asked, and Emily took a deep breath.
“Right. Naomi, I know I’ve messed up really, really badly,” she started and had to stay strong when she felt Naomi start to pull away, and grabbed hold of her arm to stop from moving. “No wait, please.”
“Emily,” Naomi said in that way that made it sound like she was just tired of going over the same thing, when they really hadn’t been over anything together in months.
“I…” she stammered, and it was going to get them nowhere if she couldn’t just fucking say it. “Naomi, I love you so fucking much - more than anything. I’d do anything to take back what I did, you know that.”
She turned her head slightly and saw that Naomi had her eyes shut tight and her lips pursed firmly, so she carried on.
“You’re everything to me and… and I think I got scared, and I was stupid and drunk and fucking hell, you are my life, Naomi. And I can’t let you go. I’ve tried, and I just can’t.”
She took a chance then, and lifted her hands until they were settled at the back of Naomi’s neck.
“Look at me, Naomi,” Emily pleaded and felt her heart skip a beat as she did and, fuck, she couldn’t believe how she’d forgotten how incredible Naomi’s eyes were and it felt like she would have fainted if she hadn’t had Naomi to cling onto.
“Ems, I can’t… I…”
“Tell me, then. Tell me you don’t feel the same. Tell me you don’t love me anymore.”
Naomi closed her eyes again and shook her head as the countdown started and the room seemed to buzz around them.
It felt like a second chance. A last chance to make this right.
As Naomi stopped resisting Emily pulled her down until their lips were almost touching. “I love you,” she whispered against them, but it was lost in the sound of the New Year beginning and the feel of Naomi kissing her.
It was soft - so much softer than she’d remembered, and it only lasted a second before Naomi pulled away, and blinked her eyes open.
“Em, this isn’t…” Naomi began but then seemed to come to her senses, and flicked her head back in the direction of Effy who was just stood there by herself, staring. “Fuck.”
Effy turned then and headed away from them. It made Emily feel sick for a second when she thought of what Effy’s problem could be.
“Oh God, you’re not…?”
“No, Emily. I just… I think that she would say this was a bad idea.”
“Why?” Emily said, and it felt like her moment was slipping away from her. “What the fuck has it got to do with her?”
“We’re friends, okay?” Naomi snapped and Emily felt sheepish.
Of course - if she were friends with someone who was snogging their ex after they cheated on her she’d have a problem with it too.
“Right, sorry,” she muttered and then relaxed when Naomi’s hand was suddenly on her arm.
“Can you wait here for a minute? I just need to check she’s all right.”
Emily nodded mutely but felt her head being tilted up slowly.
“I’ll be back, all right? Just stay here,” Naomi smiled apologetically and Emily figured that it was the best she could get tonight.
She would wait. Of course she would.
****
When it turned out that Katie had felt sick and Effy had taken her home, Naomi had sighed through the suggestion that, yeah, actually, they should talk.
They didn’t touch in the taxi back to Naomi’s but was close enough for now.
It felt like going home, and that was enough to remind her that this was going better than she could have anticipated.
They were almost there.
****
In Naomi’s room they had tea and talked for hours. Hours and hours, and it still felt like they had gotten nowhere.
They both cried a fuckload, and when they finally fell into each other Emily realised just how exhausted she was. Not just because of the hour but also because of the months she’d spent trying to be strong when all she wanted to do was crumble.
Naomi had shouted a bit, and Emily had let her. She’d deserved it after all, after what she did. But she called Naomi up on the things that had gone wrong, and how the blame should be on the both of them.
It felt better in a way to finally be able to explain to Naomi why she had done it, and then Naomi had cried harder than Emily had ever seen her cry before and she knew that they were both sorry for it then, and they told each other as much.
****
They fell asleep close together on Naomi’s bed as the sun was coming up and Emily was too tired to think about tomorrow, about what any of this meant, if anything.
It had to mean something, she just knew it, when Naomi turned in her sleep and slipped a hand across her stomach.
Emily shivered as Naomi breathed out what sounded like ‘Mmm, ‘kay’ and it felt like an agreement that this was right.
****
If Emily had been capable of laughter she would have cracked up then even as she shivered remembering how lovely she thought Naomi had been that night.
A car beeped at her as she almost stepped out in front of it, as she was realizing what Naomi had probably actually said, and for a second Emily wished that the fucking car had hit her and stopped any more revolting memories from smacking her in the brain with their awfulness.
It was all awful, all of this. And she hadn’t even gotten to the worst part and was still a good ten minutes from home.
Too much time to remember everything that had happened since New Years and how she really should have known then that it was all just wrong.
****
The next morning had been confusing.
Naomi had rolled away from her and looked baffled for a second when her eyes locked with Emily’s before she relaxed again and said good morning.
It wasn’t how she had been expecting to feel after waking up with Naomi again. It was awkward when, yeah okay, she supposed it should have been, but there was just something off about it when Naomi smiled at her sheepishly and shuffled back a little.
Perhaps it just wasn’t the homecoming she had been expecting.
****
Things looked bleaker the longer she stayed. They’d reached no kind of conclusion about what they were doing, yet had managed to establish that Emily still loved Naomi and Naomi didn’t not love Emily.
There hadn’t seemed that there could be anywhere to move on from that morning. They had said all they needed to and when Emily had stood at the door and Naomi sighed and pulled Emily in for a hug it still didn’t feel like the start of anything.
She went home feeling like she’d failed them both again somehow, just by not being able to fix them in one sitting.
****
When her phone rang later, after she’d showered, she answered warily, unprepared for what Naomi eventually said to her.
“I think… well. It’s going to be hard but I think we should try again.”
It was the best start to the year, everything she wanted, and she almost swooned with happiness.
It didn’t get rid of that feeling in the pit of her stomach though. The one that made her wonder what the fuck had changed between the time she left this morning and now, only hours later.
She dismissed it though, tried to put it down to nerves and excitement.
There was only so long that that would work for though, she found out in the weeks that followed, as everything started to feel different.
****
Nothing was like the way it had been the first time they were together.
Naomi was much quieter and far less attentive than she had been the first time around. After initial freaking out before the Love Ball and all that shit, Naomi had settled into their relationship surprisingly quickly and had no problem with being together in public.
Now though, it seemed like Naomi had taken a PDA U-turn and barely touched Emily at college.
Sometimes Emily would take her hand when they were on their way to class Naomi would flinch and look at her in surprise, like she wasn’t expecting Emily to touch her, maybe like she had forgotten that Emily was even there. She would settle for a moment before finding a reason to take her hand away and Emily’s always felt colder once it was gone.
When they were alone together it was almost worse. They didn’t tend to go back to Emily’s house much at all, Naomi citing that it was just weird to be around after breaking up.
That seemed to make sense to Emily seeing as she got the feeling that Gina was a little bit off with her when she went to Naomi’s. She wondered how much Naomi had told her and it made her feel guilty all over again.
It was something she was going to have to live with, though, if she wanted to make all of this right again.
****
It took a while before they even made love again and it didn’t have any of the magic she was led to believe that make-up sex was supposed to have.
It was awkward and slow; like Naomi had lost all of the passion she’d once had for her.
“What’s the matter?” Emily asked carefully, her fingers tracing patterns over the top of Naomi’s knickers.
Usually by now she’d be soaked through but Emily could barely feel a thing.
“Nothing,” Naomi said with a small smile, and pushed her hand down on top of Emily’s. “Just touch me a bit harder.”
“But, you don’t…” Emily started to say, and she watched as Naomi closed her eyes and tilted her head away.
“Yes… I do, just. Please,” Naomi pushed down again and moved her fingers so that they were both pressing down onto Naomi’s clit, moving around in small but firm circles. “Please,” she said again, and Emily complied.
She had never felt more alone next to the girl that she loved even as she felt Naomi come with ragged breaths against her neck and her hands clutching at the duvet.
When Naomi kissed her afterwards it felt like Emily was a friend who had done her a favour and Emily had to bite her lip to stop from crying.
Nothing was how it was supposed to be at all.
****
There was a horrible day when she had found Naomi shaking in the toilets at college, leaning up against the far wall and staring at her hands.
“Jesus hon. What’s wrong?”
Naomi snapped her head up and took two big strides towards Emily and kissed her so hard they stumbled backwards a few steps. She didn’t let up, even as Emily tried to push her away.
“Naomi,” she managed through a kiss that she was only half-returning. “Christ - Naomi!”
It seemed to work and Naomi backed off. “Shit, Ems. I’m sorry,” she whispered and put a hand over her eyes.
As Emily wrapped her arms around her, Naomi laid her head on Emily’s shoulder and started to cry.
Emily almost cried too, knowing that this wouldn’t be happening if it wasn’t for her, if she hadn’t cocked up so massively that it almost seemed like there would never be any taking it back, not if Naomi just wouldn’t let herself open up again.
But she felt like she had no right to cry, not when Naomi seemed so broken. At least, she thought, Naomi was letting her make-up for it instead of anyone else.
Not that anyone knew Naomi the way she did, Naomi wouldn’t let them. It was the reason she kept trying and the reason that she knew they were supposed to be together.
****
By the time the house party rolled around Emily felt like things could only start looking up. They were so shit as they were, there had to be a point where they would improve.
Getting worse was not an option. She had made a decision to be better, to get Naomi back, and she didn’t care how long it took - things would be back to normal as long as she kept at it.
There had been a discussion a few weeks before about how things were going. Emily didn’t want to put any pressure on Naomi, like she knew it was her fault that things were the way they were and it was up to her to make it right.
But still, there was only so much Emily could take of being permanently put on trial for something that they were trying to get past.
“Look,” she had said when Naomi shifted a little further away from her on the couch, probably subconsciously by the look on her face when Emily sighed. “I get that this is hard, okay? And I’m trying, I really am. But I don’t feel like you are, you know?”
Naomi closed her book and chewed the inside of her mouth a little before breathing out through her nose and turning to face Emily. It wasn’t often she did that now and Emily felt a panic building in her stomach, like she’d exposed herself to an attack that she wasn’t prepared for.
She should have just kept quiet, she thought. Shouldn’t have forced Naomi to move any faster than she was already.
So she was surprised when Naomi took her hands and held them both in her lap.
“You’re right, Ems. I know… It’s just hard, adjusting again. Give me time, yeah?”
Emily had just nodded. Because she would. As long as she needed.
It was a sign that they were finally getting somewhere together again, after so long of trying to get there apart, and when someone suggested a party she thought that it was about fucking time they went out and showed everyone that they were fine.
And, more importantly, showed themselves that they were fine, because if they started to believe it then it would have to be true.
****
There wasn’t anything special about that party. Like there wasn’t any kind of omen to warn her life was about to be ruined.
In fact she and Naomi had been relaxed and on their way to normal as they laughed together on their way there and Naomi had stopped outside and kissed her, winking as she pulled away and they staggered drunkenly into the house.
The mood had changed when they saw Katie and Effy. Emily had motioned to join them but Naomi had shook her head, leading her towards the far side of the lounge with a whisper of, “Just me and you tonight, yeah?” and Emily could only agree.
They’d danced stupidly, but Naomi was almost absent again and Emily was getting exasperated watching her glance around the room and turn suddenly pale.
“What’s wrong? Babe?” Emily asked, tugging at Naomi’s neck.
She blinked a few times as she looked back at Emily. “I think I might need to be sick…”
“Okay, I’ll come with you.”
“No, Emily. Just… wait here, okay? I won’t be long.”
And Naomi was walking away before she could follow.
Emily stood holding her drink and looking around the room, trying to figure out if she could at least say hi to Katie and Effy because, whatever. Naomi had gone off so she could at least be nice.
Effy was dancing up by some bloke, hands over her head and eyes closed. Emily tapped her on the shoulder and she danced around to her, grinning.
She was fucked, Emily could tell, and when she asked where Katie was Effy mumbled something about the bathroom and continued to dance.
Emily sighed. They were all so fucking useless.
She was about to realise how useless they all were and come to hate them along with it.
****
It had been the worst few seconds of her life, walking in on them like that.
Naomi had already pulled back but Katie’s hand was just coming out of the back of her shirt and their lipstick was smudged, Katie’s hair ruffled from where Naomi had…
She couldn’t finish the thought. She had to get the fuck away from them before she vomited everywhere.
She knew that they’d follow, of course they would. Try to explain away something that just made no sense.
In a million fucking years she’d never have seen this coming. She knew they had problems and, fucking hell, they were getting through them. But both of them, both of them, to do this to her just felt like the world’s biggest joke.
When she saw them link their fingers together it all got so much worse because they weren’t just snogging in a bathroom completely randomly. They’d been doing it for ages, and the timeline pieced itself together in Emily’s head so rapidly that it left her reeling.
She didn’t believe for a fucking second that Naomi liked Katie - she just couldn’t. And Katie wasn’t gay for Christ’s sake but there was a look on her face that Emily recognized. She’d seen it on herself before, the one that said I am totally fucked because I want her.
If it had been any other her in the world, Emily would probably have thrown a fucking party in her sister’s honour. But not this one. Not Naomi.
And Naomi - well. It was almost understandable, that she had tried to get over her by fucking her sister. While Emily couldn’t quite bring herself to believe it completely, the theory of it made it more feasible than what Katie was doing.
Naomi had been hurting, and for some fucked up reason, Katie had managed to convince Naomi that she could be Emily.
But she would never be who Naomi wanted. She was sure of that.
****
After the punch, which she felt could only be the start of what she wanted to do to her sister, she knew she needed to leave. Probably would have kicked the shit out of her if they hadn’t tried to stop her.
She’d shared one sad look with Naomi and shook her head when Naomi opened her mouth to speak.
This might all be Katie’s fault, but there was nothing Naomi could say at this stage that she wanted to hear. So she left them all there, probably feeling sorry for poor little Katie who just got punched by her mental sister for being the only one who was making any sense out of the four of them.
****
Going through it all in her head had managed to sober Emily up so by the time she got home she was still seething, and her mouth tasted of vomit, but she knew what she had to do.
She sneaked up the stairs as quietly as she could, which was hard because she was still breathing pretty fucking hard, like her lungs and heart and all of her was about to explode.
But, why should she let that happen? Fuck them. She wasn’t the one who had done anything wrong this time. And they could fucking have each other if they were so sure that was what they wanted, the pair of fucking cunts.
It would never work, and Emily knew it. So Katie could work that out for herself.
Emily stood in front of their shared wardrobe for a few seconds, hands raised as her eyes flitted in between two very different sets of clothes belonging to two girls who would never be the same and finally started pulling out one half of them.
Fuck her forever, Emily thought as she stuffed them into a suitcase, her anger stopping any tears from falling. Katie could fucking enjoy finally having managed to push her sister further away from her reach than she would be able to cope with.
Katie was the weaker one, always. And it was time that she figured that out the hard way, because despite whatever she thought about Naomi, there was no way that she would ever be who Katie wanted.
It was almost light by the time she zipped up the case, tying the ludicrous leopard print tie around it’s middle to hold all of the crap in, and all she could do was sit back and wait for the last time she would hear her sister creep home from somewhere she should never, ever have been.
Chapter Nine
Chapter: Al the Killer (Emily)
Pairing: Emily/Naomi, Katie/Naomi
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 6000
Disclaimer: None of the Skins characters belong to me.
Summary: Seal the lips to my voice with haste and cower as they make their way
A/N: There is no one called Al or any killing involved in this chapter. Just so you know. And it's Emily's companion piece for IKS, leading on from where we left her at the end of the last chapter and features her thinking about everything that's led up to that moment.
And thanks to the wife danger_mouse and the other one for betaing this for me <3
All she could think of as she walked away was why? Why the fuck has this happened? It didn’t make the slightest bit of sense, the two of them together.
She had had to leave them all there because Katie was still her sister and she knew there was a strong chance she would inflict a bit more damage if she stayed, but she kept seeing it, the way that their fingers had just kind of fallen together, and when the fuck had this happened?
There were too many problems with it all, and they kept bumping around inside Emily’s head as the wind made her tears feel icy cold as they lined her cheeks. She fucking knew that Katie wasn’t gay and they hated each other, and Naomi loved her. Naomi loved Emily.
She wondered how much of that she should be thinking about in the past tense because at least one of those things was no longer true.
****
It hadn’t been her finest moment, getting fucked by someone she barely knew in a dingy alley outside a nightclub, and she had regretted it every day since it happened.
Had regretted as it was happening.
But she was wasted, like really, and there was no one around who gave a fuck, who would stop her from doing something incredibly stupid. And she’d lost Naomi, like fucking properly this time.
It felt so definite, like there was something in Naomi’s eyes that just wasn’t there and she was picking ridiculous arguments and… yeah, in retrospect, it was a lot to do with being hammered but at the time it had seemed so final, their breaking up.
Emily knew though that it wasn’t on that night that she had lost her really. It had happened ages ago, probably even before she ever really had her.
There was a way about Naomi where she could never quite say everything and Emily would fight her to get all of it out. Sometimes sweetly, with little kisses that tickled Naomi’s ear and hairline and jaw, and sometimes roughly with words that she pretended not to mean after but meant whole-heartedly during and always.
Naomi was just never quite there.
And this girl was everything Naomi wasn’t. She smiled easily and didn’t seem to give a fuck about the people around them and she made Emily feel light and young again.
She loved Naomi, she really did - more than anything in fact. It was just that sometimes it was really fucking hard work.
****
There wasn’t a question in her mind that she wanted to tell Naomi because she’d kept a secret from her before and it had almost backfired horribly.
But there had been a weak link in that situation and she resolved to say nothing to her sister about this, or to anyone.
Besides, it was none of Katie’s fucking business who she slept with. Not even if she was holding her as she was breaking and wondering about what the fuck it was that she had just done.
****
Naomi had been apologetic and loving and it made her feel like absolute shit. She would have told her then, was so close to doing it but then… then there were only two people who knew that this had happened.
So maybe this time it could stay a secret. Naomi wouldn’t have to know what she had done.
It would stay Emily’s burden alone - her punishment for not believing in them when Naomi clearly did. She was here after all, wasn’t she?
****
Emily didn’t know why she couldn’t manage to tell Naomi she loved her back because she did, so very much. The words just wouldn’t make it all the way out of the mouth that had only so very recently told someone who was not Naomi to fuck her harder, faster, rougher.
And she did, that girl. It was nothing like the way Naomi did it, with a whispered and pained ‘I fucking love you, Emily’ at the end of it all.
Not that she’d been a cunt about it; she had done what Emily asked for, after all. Emily just wished that she hadn’t.
****
The day that it finally ended for real Emily cried and her sister held her again.
She still couldn’t manage to tell Katie what she had done because then it would feel real, even more real than the conversation with Naomi had made it. And then Katie would have had a reason to think that Emily really was her loser sister after all.
It seemed to exasperate Katie, that Emily just wouldn’t say anything, but the words just wouldn’t come.
It was over, and it was all her fault.
****
The months between then and Christmas were horrible.
Katie was never around, and Emily thought that her sister would have been relieved that Naomi was finally out of the picture, that they could go back to being sisters without someone else in the way.
If anything, though, Katie was more closed off than she had been before and it riled Emily that she wasn’t even bitchy towards her about it. Like she didn’t even care enough to be a cunt about things.
She’d never wanted to lose Katie over her relationship with Naomi, not ever. But she never imagined that she would be losing her to Effy, of all people.
“You’re spending a lot of time with her,” Emily had accused, as Katie got ready for another night out. Another night Emily wasn’t invited out on and left to ponder all the mistakes that she had made while flicking through coursework on her bed.
“What?” Katie looked like she’d been caught out and her ears went red. She was wearing her hair up a lot more and the scar was barely visible. She’s moved on, Emily thought, and couldn’t believe that she was jealous.
“You know, I’m glad that you’re finally getting along, really. But do you think it’s healthy?”
Katie’s expression was almost unreadable as she moved from shocked to defiant in quick succession. “I didn’t think that you knew.”
And, it was stupid, because how could she not know? But Katie was gearing up for a defensive counter-attack when Emily hadn’t really meant to attack her to begin with.
“What? That you’d rather hang out with the girl that smashed your head in than be with me? You make it pretty fucking obvious, Katie.”
Emily watched as the anger faded from her and she seemed to relax a bit, which was weird because Emily knew that bringing up with her what happened at Gobbler’s End was always sure to start a fight.
“We just,” Katie shrugged, threading a hooped leopard-print earring through her ear. “We get each other, you know? Shared experience or whatever.”
Emily dropped it then and Katie slipped out ten minutes later not even bothering to ask Emily to cover for her.
She would, of course. They were sisters - they always had each other’s backs, whatever happened.
****
At college sometimes Emily watched Naomi and, while her gaze was already frosty if it settled in Emily’s direction, most of the time she looked relaxed. Happy, almost.
It was too much for Emily to think that Naomi wasn’t hurting as much as she was. It made it feel like she’d imagined the whole thing.
****
The first time they properly spoke after it happened, Naomi had tried not to look her directly in the eye. It wasn’t difficult for her, really, as Emily had had some kind of confidence reversion back to a year ago and barely managed to take her eyes off the floor.
“I’ve got your notebook at my house. Or, one of them anyway. Do you want it?” Naomi had asked, like it was paining her to even acknowledge that Emily still existed.
“Erm, yeah. Yeah I do, thanks.”
“Cool, I’ll bring it in.”
Naomi had gone before Emily had even looked back up and felt that she should be used to it by now, watching Naomi walk away.
She wasn’t. And didn’t know if she would ever be.
****
One rather nice side effect of being both Naomi and Katie-less meant that Emily was free to be friends with JJ.
Before he had opened his big gob about the fact that they had slept together, Emily really had enjoyed JJ’s company. He never asked her to be something she wasn’t, or someone more or less than she was. All he wanted was to be her friend.
(The possibility that he might want to be more than friends was something that Emily refused to think about. It was easier that way.)
He was all right really, and they didn’t do much together but he took her mind off being alone.
It didn’t feel like she was using him, not really, and sometimes when he smiled at her so openly she wished that she could just want him instead of Naomi, instead of any other girl.
It might have made everything simpler. But then Emily had stopped wishing for things to be simple a long time ago, when ‘complicated’ meant that she could have Naomi.
She’d take a million complicateds right now, she thought as she watched Naomi laugh with Effy and then throw a stick of celery at Katie, if she could figure out a way to get Naomi back.
****
It started with a change of attitude and, well, she hadn’t really meant to flirt with JJ but it just kind of happened.
She could already feel Naomi watching her across the classroom and laughed and dipped her head as she rested a hand on JJ’s thigh. He smiled at her and it was so honest that it made it feel like her hand was burning.
The door to the classroom banged shut as she removed her hand and watched Naomi hurry away down the corridor.
JJ was asking her around to watch a film but she didn’t really hear it above the sound of her heart beating rapidly in her ears.
Naomi was jealous. It meant that there was still a chance.
****
She perked up considerably after that, settling back into her coursework and not getting shitty with Katie in the rare moments that she did see her.
There was a noticeable change in her sister too. Emily had seen her just randomly smiling to herself when she was getting ready to go out, or sometimes before bed when she was texting and thought that Emily was asleep.
It was obvious she was seeing someone, Emily realised then, and that Effy was just a cover story.
Emily thought it was sweet really, that for once Katie wasn’t rubbing it in her face that she had a new boyfriend, especially seeing as it was just after Emily had broken up with someone for the first time.
It made her think that her sister was finally growing up.
Maybe, Emily wondered, as she undid the lid to her box and started making a pile of things that belonged to another Emily, one from long ago, if it was time that they both did.
****
Things became easier for a while, once she thought that Naomi wasn’t completely lost to her, and college stopped seeming like such a bleak place to be.
There was even a point where they managed a whole conversation without seeming like they’d both rather be gauging out their own eyeballs than be in each other’s company, and they’d actually laughed.
Naomi had touched her arm, like actually reached out for her, and Emily felt like her heart almost stopped, just as it had done all those months ago when Naomi started treating her as a person rather than a nuisance.
It had shocked her, Emily realised, when Naomi made her excuses pretty soon after that.
Progress, though. And it was good enough for Emily.
****
She tried not to think of Naomi around Christmas time, but couldn’t help but picture her eating some kind of vegetarian meal with her Mum and pretending that she hated the whole thing.
Emily had imagined what their first Christmas together would be like, with cuddles by the fire and Naomi telling her that they should remember that it was Christmas everywhere and they should really remember the people who were less fortunate.
It was one of the things that Emily loved about her; how she seemed like she didn’t give a shit about anything but really, secretly, she cared too much.
****
Emily stopped walking then, when she thought about Christmas, remembering Katie slipping out with her help to meet her ‘boyfriend’ and the realization hit her like a kick to the gut.
Katie had gone to see Naomi on Christmas Day and the look on Katie’s face when she returned home had been for Naomi, not for some secret boy.
She felt unsteady on her feet for the first time since she’d left them all there looking shocked and scared and sorry and had to lean heavily on her thighs as she bent over into the gutter and vomited heavily.
It had been going on all that time, while Naomi was smiling and Katie was floaty and she hadn’t suspected a thing.
But how the fuck could she have done? Even if she had thought for a second that Katie was even a little bit gay (which she just hadn’t) she never ever would have expected the two of them to do this to her.
It took a fuckload of willpower to keep going after that, to get home, as the rest of it flashed across her mind - all the times that Katie had slept out or snuck away or said she was with the boy that never existed or with Effy.
And then she remembered New Year’s Eve and suddenly nothing made sense.
****
It had felt like destiny or something, that they had all arranged to go out together and Emily had only detected a slight feeling of animosity between her and Katie, which she figured was because Katie still found her to be less cool than she was, even at this stage.
But, fuck Katie - this was going to be her night. Her night to win Naomi back, to convince her that what they had was special and important and they shouldn’t let it all disappear just because of one stupid mistake.
Emily had felt more alive that night than she had in ages.
She’d won Naomi once; she felt certain that she could do it again.
****
She had been careful not to drink too much because she didn’t want it to feel like she was doing it just because she was pissed. Or too pissed do it properly anyway.
It had been nice hanging around with JJ but she was fearful of being too near to him at midnight, because he probably would have suggested a kiss and, well, doing that once had already been one time too many.
He started to look a little hopeful at about quarter to ten but she’d pulled him down so she could talk directly to his ear and his smile had faded as he straightened up again and nodded, turning away from her.
There wasn’t time to feel guilty about leaving JJ, about possibly leading him on, but then he knew where her heart was - everyone did.
Except, perhaps, for Naomi, and when Katie buggered off somewhere minutes later Emily knew it was time to remind her.
****
“Can I talk to you for a minute?” Emily had said into Naomi’s ear, a hand on her arm.
She noticed Naomi glance around the crowd before nodding and Emily pulled them away from where Effy stood, watching, just like always.
They stopped not far away, but far enough for Emily to feel like it was just them there, instead of being crammed in between people too happy to care that something important was happening.
Naomi ducked her head and Emily caught the smell of her then and almost forgot that she had work to do before she could indulge in things like that again.
“What’s up?” Naomi asked, and Emily took a deep breath.
“Right. Naomi, I know I’ve messed up really, really badly,” she started and had to stay strong when she felt Naomi start to pull away, and grabbed hold of her arm to stop from moving. “No wait, please.”
“Emily,” Naomi said in that way that made it sound like she was just tired of going over the same thing, when they really hadn’t been over anything together in months.
“I…” she stammered, and it was going to get them nowhere if she couldn’t just fucking say it. “Naomi, I love you so fucking much - more than anything. I’d do anything to take back what I did, you know that.”
She turned her head slightly and saw that Naomi had her eyes shut tight and her lips pursed firmly, so she carried on.
“You’re everything to me and… and I think I got scared, and I was stupid and drunk and fucking hell, you are my life, Naomi. And I can’t let you go. I’ve tried, and I just can’t.”
She took a chance then, and lifted her hands until they were settled at the back of Naomi’s neck.
“Look at me, Naomi,” Emily pleaded and felt her heart skip a beat as she did and, fuck, she couldn’t believe how she’d forgotten how incredible Naomi’s eyes were and it felt like she would have fainted if she hadn’t had Naomi to cling onto.
“Ems, I can’t… I…”
“Tell me, then. Tell me you don’t feel the same. Tell me you don’t love me anymore.”
Naomi closed her eyes again and shook her head as the countdown started and the room seemed to buzz around them.
It felt like a second chance. A last chance to make this right.
As Naomi stopped resisting Emily pulled her down until their lips were almost touching. “I love you,” she whispered against them, but it was lost in the sound of the New Year beginning and the feel of Naomi kissing her.
It was soft - so much softer than she’d remembered, and it only lasted a second before Naomi pulled away, and blinked her eyes open.
“Em, this isn’t…” Naomi began but then seemed to come to her senses, and flicked her head back in the direction of Effy who was just stood there by herself, staring. “Fuck.”
Effy turned then and headed away from them. It made Emily feel sick for a second when she thought of what Effy’s problem could be.
“Oh God, you’re not…?”
“No, Emily. I just… I think that she would say this was a bad idea.”
“Why?” Emily said, and it felt like her moment was slipping away from her. “What the fuck has it got to do with her?”
“We’re friends, okay?” Naomi snapped and Emily felt sheepish.
Of course - if she were friends with someone who was snogging their ex after they cheated on her she’d have a problem with it too.
“Right, sorry,” she muttered and then relaxed when Naomi’s hand was suddenly on her arm.
“Can you wait here for a minute? I just need to check she’s all right.”
Emily nodded mutely but felt her head being tilted up slowly.
“I’ll be back, all right? Just stay here,” Naomi smiled apologetically and Emily figured that it was the best she could get tonight.
She would wait. Of course she would.
****
When it turned out that Katie had felt sick and Effy had taken her home, Naomi had sighed through the suggestion that, yeah, actually, they should talk.
They didn’t touch in the taxi back to Naomi’s but was close enough for now.
It felt like going home, and that was enough to remind her that this was going better than she could have anticipated.
They were almost there.
****
In Naomi’s room they had tea and talked for hours. Hours and hours, and it still felt like they had gotten nowhere.
They both cried a fuckload, and when they finally fell into each other Emily realised just how exhausted she was. Not just because of the hour but also because of the months she’d spent trying to be strong when all she wanted to do was crumble.
Naomi had shouted a bit, and Emily had let her. She’d deserved it after all, after what she did. But she called Naomi up on the things that had gone wrong, and how the blame should be on the both of them.
It felt better in a way to finally be able to explain to Naomi why she had done it, and then Naomi had cried harder than Emily had ever seen her cry before and she knew that they were both sorry for it then, and they told each other as much.
****
They fell asleep close together on Naomi’s bed as the sun was coming up and Emily was too tired to think about tomorrow, about what any of this meant, if anything.
It had to mean something, she just knew it, when Naomi turned in her sleep and slipped a hand across her stomach.
Emily shivered as Naomi breathed out what sounded like ‘Mmm, ‘kay’ and it felt like an agreement that this was right.
****
If Emily had been capable of laughter she would have cracked up then even as she shivered remembering how lovely she thought Naomi had been that night.
A car beeped at her as she almost stepped out in front of it, as she was realizing what Naomi had probably actually said, and for a second Emily wished that the fucking car had hit her and stopped any more revolting memories from smacking her in the brain with their awfulness.
It was all awful, all of this. And she hadn’t even gotten to the worst part and was still a good ten minutes from home.
Too much time to remember everything that had happened since New Years and how she really should have known then that it was all just wrong.
****
The next morning had been confusing.
Naomi had rolled away from her and looked baffled for a second when her eyes locked with Emily’s before she relaxed again and said good morning.
It wasn’t how she had been expecting to feel after waking up with Naomi again. It was awkward when, yeah okay, she supposed it should have been, but there was just something off about it when Naomi smiled at her sheepishly and shuffled back a little.
Perhaps it just wasn’t the homecoming she had been expecting.
****
Things looked bleaker the longer she stayed. They’d reached no kind of conclusion about what they were doing, yet had managed to establish that Emily still loved Naomi and Naomi didn’t not love Emily.
There hadn’t seemed that there could be anywhere to move on from that morning. They had said all they needed to and when Emily had stood at the door and Naomi sighed and pulled Emily in for a hug it still didn’t feel like the start of anything.
She went home feeling like she’d failed them both again somehow, just by not being able to fix them in one sitting.
****
When her phone rang later, after she’d showered, she answered warily, unprepared for what Naomi eventually said to her.
“I think… well. It’s going to be hard but I think we should try again.”
It was the best start to the year, everything she wanted, and she almost swooned with happiness.
It didn’t get rid of that feeling in the pit of her stomach though. The one that made her wonder what the fuck had changed between the time she left this morning and now, only hours later.
She dismissed it though, tried to put it down to nerves and excitement.
There was only so long that that would work for though, she found out in the weeks that followed, as everything started to feel different.
****
Nothing was like the way it had been the first time they were together.
Naomi was much quieter and far less attentive than she had been the first time around. After initial freaking out before the Love Ball and all that shit, Naomi had settled into their relationship surprisingly quickly and had no problem with being together in public.
Now though, it seemed like Naomi had taken a PDA U-turn and barely touched Emily at college.
Sometimes Emily would take her hand when they were on their way to class Naomi would flinch and look at her in surprise, like she wasn’t expecting Emily to touch her, maybe like she had forgotten that Emily was even there. She would settle for a moment before finding a reason to take her hand away and Emily’s always felt colder once it was gone.
When they were alone together it was almost worse. They didn’t tend to go back to Emily’s house much at all, Naomi citing that it was just weird to be around after breaking up.
That seemed to make sense to Emily seeing as she got the feeling that Gina was a little bit off with her when she went to Naomi’s. She wondered how much Naomi had told her and it made her feel guilty all over again.
It was something she was going to have to live with, though, if she wanted to make all of this right again.
****
It took a while before they even made love again and it didn’t have any of the magic she was led to believe that make-up sex was supposed to have.
It was awkward and slow; like Naomi had lost all of the passion she’d once had for her.
“What’s the matter?” Emily asked carefully, her fingers tracing patterns over the top of Naomi’s knickers.
Usually by now she’d be soaked through but Emily could barely feel a thing.
“Nothing,” Naomi said with a small smile, and pushed her hand down on top of Emily’s. “Just touch me a bit harder.”
“But, you don’t…” Emily started to say, and she watched as Naomi closed her eyes and tilted her head away.
“Yes… I do, just. Please,” Naomi pushed down again and moved her fingers so that they were both pressing down onto Naomi’s clit, moving around in small but firm circles. “Please,” she said again, and Emily complied.
She had never felt more alone next to the girl that she loved even as she felt Naomi come with ragged breaths against her neck and her hands clutching at the duvet.
When Naomi kissed her afterwards it felt like Emily was a friend who had done her a favour and Emily had to bite her lip to stop from crying.
Nothing was how it was supposed to be at all.
****
There was a horrible day when she had found Naomi shaking in the toilets at college, leaning up against the far wall and staring at her hands.
“Jesus hon. What’s wrong?”
Naomi snapped her head up and took two big strides towards Emily and kissed her so hard they stumbled backwards a few steps. She didn’t let up, even as Emily tried to push her away.
“Naomi,” she managed through a kiss that she was only half-returning. “Christ - Naomi!”
It seemed to work and Naomi backed off. “Shit, Ems. I’m sorry,” she whispered and put a hand over her eyes.
As Emily wrapped her arms around her, Naomi laid her head on Emily’s shoulder and started to cry.
Emily almost cried too, knowing that this wouldn’t be happening if it wasn’t for her, if she hadn’t cocked up so massively that it almost seemed like there would never be any taking it back, not if Naomi just wouldn’t let herself open up again.
But she felt like she had no right to cry, not when Naomi seemed so broken. At least, she thought, Naomi was letting her make-up for it instead of anyone else.
Not that anyone knew Naomi the way she did, Naomi wouldn’t let them. It was the reason she kept trying and the reason that she knew they were supposed to be together.
****
By the time the house party rolled around Emily felt like things could only start looking up. They were so shit as they were, there had to be a point where they would improve.
Getting worse was not an option. She had made a decision to be better, to get Naomi back, and she didn’t care how long it took - things would be back to normal as long as she kept at it.
There had been a discussion a few weeks before about how things were going. Emily didn’t want to put any pressure on Naomi, like she knew it was her fault that things were the way they were and it was up to her to make it right.
But still, there was only so much Emily could take of being permanently put on trial for something that they were trying to get past.
“Look,” she had said when Naomi shifted a little further away from her on the couch, probably subconsciously by the look on her face when Emily sighed. “I get that this is hard, okay? And I’m trying, I really am. But I don’t feel like you are, you know?”
Naomi closed her book and chewed the inside of her mouth a little before breathing out through her nose and turning to face Emily. It wasn’t often she did that now and Emily felt a panic building in her stomach, like she’d exposed herself to an attack that she wasn’t prepared for.
She should have just kept quiet, she thought. Shouldn’t have forced Naomi to move any faster than she was already.
So she was surprised when Naomi took her hands and held them both in her lap.
“You’re right, Ems. I know… It’s just hard, adjusting again. Give me time, yeah?”
Emily had just nodded. Because she would. As long as she needed.
It was a sign that they were finally getting somewhere together again, after so long of trying to get there apart, and when someone suggested a party she thought that it was about fucking time they went out and showed everyone that they were fine.
And, more importantly, showed themselves that they were fine, because if they started to believe it then it would have to be true.
****
There wasn’t anything special about that party. Like there wasn’t any kind of omen to warn her life was about to be ruined.
In fact she and Naomi had been relaxed and on their way to normal as they laughed together on their way there and Naomi had stopped outside and kissed her, winking as she pulled away and they staggered drunkenly into the house.
The mood had changed when they saw Katie and Effy. Emily had motioned to join them but Naomi had shook her head, leading her towards the far side of the lounge with a whisper of, “Just me and you tonight, yeah?” and Emily could only agree.
They’d danced stupidly, but Naomi was almost absent again and Emily was getting exasperated watching her glance around the room and turn suddenly pale.
“What’s wrong? Babe?” Emily asked, tugging at Naomi’s neck.
She blinked a few times as she looked back at Emily. “I think I might need to be sick…”
“Okay, I’ll come with you.”
“No, Emily. Just… wait here, okay? I won’t be long.”
And Naomi was walking away before she could follow.
Emily stood holding her drink and looking around the room, trying to figure out if she could at least say hi to Katie and Effy because, whatever. Naomi had gone off so she could at least be nice.
Effy was dancing up by some bloke, hands over her head and eyes closed. Emily tapped her on the shoulder and she danced around to her, grinning.
She was fucked, Emily could tell, and when she asked where Katie was Effy mumbled something about the bathroom and continued to dance.
Emily sighed. They were all so fucking useless.
She was about to realise how useless they all were and come to hate them along with it.
****
It had been the worst few seconds of her life, walking in on them like that.
Naomi had already pulled back but Katie’s hand was just coming out of the back of her shirt and their lipstick was smudged, Katie’s hair ruffled from where Naomi had…
She couldn’t finish the thought. She had to get the fuck away from them before she vomited everywhere.
She knew that they’d follow, of course they would. Try to explain away something that just made no sense.
In a million fucking years she’d never have seen this coming. She knew they had problems and, fucking hell, they were getting through them. But both of them, both of them, to do this to her just felt like the world’s biggest joke.
When she saw them link their fingers together it all got so much worse because they weren’t just snogging in a bathroom completely randomly. They’d been doing it for ages, and the timeline pieced itself together in Emily’s head so rapidly that it left her reeling.
She didn’t believe for a fucking second that Naomi liked Katie - she just couldn’t. And Katie wasn’t gay for Christ’s sake but there was a look on her face that Emily recognized. She’d seen it on herself before, the one that said I am totally fucked because I want her.
If it had been any other her in the world, Emily would probably have thrown a fucking party in her sister’s honour. But not this one. Not Naomi.
And Naomi - well. It was almost understandable, that she had tried to get over her by fucking her sister. While Emily couldn’t quite bring herself to believe it completely, the theory of it made it more feasible than what Katie was doing.
Naomi had been hurting, and for some fucked up reason, Katie had managed to convince Naomi that she could be Emily.
But she would never be who Naomi wanted. She was sure of that.
****
After the punch, which she felt could only be the start of what she wanted to do to her sister, she knew she needed to leave. Probably would have kicked the shit out of her if they hadn’t tried to stop her.
She’d shared one sad look with Naomi and shook her head when Naomi opened her mouth to speak.
This might all be Katie’s fault, but there was nothing Naomi could say at this stage that she wanted to hear. So she left them all there, probably feeling sorry for poor little Katie who just got punched by her mental sister for being the only one who was making any sense out of the four of them.
****
Going through it all in her head had managed to sober Emily up so by the time she got home she was still seething, and her mouth tasted of vomit, but she knew what she had to do.
She sneaked up the stairs as quietly as she could, which was hard because she was still breathing pretty fucking hard, like her lungs and heart and all of her was about to explode.
But, why should she let that happen? Fuck them. She wasn’t the one who had done anything wrong this time. And they could fucking have each other if they were so sure that was what they wanted, the pair of fucking cunts.
It would never work, and Emily knew it. So Katie could work that out for herself.
Emily stood in front of their shared wardrobe for a few seconds, hands raised as her eyes flitted in between two very different sets of clothes belonging to two girls who would never be the same and finally started pulling out one half of them.
Fuck her forever, Emily thought as she stuffed them into a suitcase, her anger stopping any tears from falling. Katie could fucking enjoy finally having managed to push her sister further away from her reach than she would be able to cope with.
Katie was the weaker one, always. And it was time that she figured that out the hard way, because despite whatever she thought about Naomi, there was no way that she would ever be who Katie wanted.
It was almost light by the time she zipped up the case, tying the ludicrous leopard print tie around it’s middle to hold all of the crap in, and all she could do was sit back and wait for the last time she would hear her sister creep home from somewhere she should never, ever have been.
Chapter Nine