i dont need to over think things...or worry so much
Here I thought my cruise and the week away from everything would help me relax. How wrong I was...
So I'm not sure how I should have reacted, but def talked to the boyfriend tonight and asked him if he was in a bad mood when I talked to him last night. He said no. Then he said yes, but it was just a mood that he referred to as a bad mood, then told me it had nothing to do with me and it wasn't a big deal. So I asked if it wasn't a big deal and had nothing to do with me, why he wouldn't talk to me about it. So finally he admits he was in a bad mood b/c he went thru my messages on facebook and read some of them. He then said that he was mad b/c I was still talking to my ex on it. So I told him that I don't speak to Aaron and he is def not a friend of mine on facebook. And I had no idea who he was talking about when he kept saying "your alabama friend". Turns out he read a message from a friend of mine where he was goofing off and said something "about not telling my boyfriend and keeping things hush and having a replay of something in the past" and JM took it the wrong way. He wasn't mad at that it could have been my ex, he was upset b/c I tell him I don't talk to Aaron and how much I dislike Aaron for what he did to me, blah blah blah and so he thought i was lying to him about talking to Aaron.
So here's my thing, I'm not sure if I should be mad about him getting on and looking thru my messages (I mean, at least he confessed to it) or not. Also when I asked if I had gone thru his, would I have been upset by a message he would have on his facebook. At first he said no, then later on in the conversation he said that there were messages from and to one of his ex's. And he tried to play off that he wasn't sure if I'd get upset about the messages or not. Which I'm guessing I would.
What gets me is that he said that it's different with me and Aaron then him and his ex. But it's not. He's said some not so nice things about her and when I brought that up he said that he was just mad. But that didn't make sense to me. He was mad at since he dated her 2-3 years ago, then after saying that to me he got over it? B/c he's now friends with her on facebook and apparently they send messages to each other. So how knows.
He said he was looking at the message when he was talking to me and almost said some dick remark to me b/c he said he was half drunk. Had he, I def would be questioning if I was going to Pensacola with him this weekend and probably not be talking to him. So that would have been a fun situation for him to be in, explaining why I decided to not come down and meet his parents and friends. "Oh, well I went thru her facebook and read her messages and assumed she was talking to her ex and got mad about it and said that to her when I was wrong and it wasn't her ex and it was her goofing off with a friend while i do the same exact thing, but I do it with my ex unlike her." Ya right he'd say that.
I think this is the first time I'm feeling like I should be mad at him, but I dont know. But I do know he's coming to get me tomorrow to go to Pensacola and I'm not sure how it's all going to go. We got off the phone tonight with me being short and him asking me to smile, well not asking, but telling me to smile b/c he knew i wasn't and also hadn't been thru most of our conversation.
He just doesn't get that it's hard for me to put all my trust into someone. I've been hurt, badly, in the past. And every time except for one time, the guy ended things with me b/c of another girl, most of the time an ex that came back into the picture. So he doesn't understand why I am so unsure about one of his ex's. Mainly b/c they have just started talking again (so he claims), she's single, she lives in atlanta (which he tried to play off as far but stopped that excuse when I told him I too, live in atlanta and it's a hop,skip and jump to get to nashville), and they have some connections to each other from the past. And I know I shouldn't worry, but the fact that ex's have gotten in the way makes me worry. I just wish I could explain it to him. I mean, he has pictures of all his ex's, except for one, up in his room. Some more than once. It just hurts to see them staring back at me. I feel like I'm being compared to them all the time with him in every way. And I know boys do that, b/c girls do it all the time. I'm just worried that I'm not up to par with any of them. They are all really pretty and already done with college (which i think can be a draw back that i am).
I dont know, I just feel like what happened to me at the end of fall semester is going to happen again. And I'm not going to get into everything, but it's not a good thing. And I'd really like to explain it to him, but at the same time I don't want him to know b/c I feel like he'll end it b/c of it. I would hope not, but you never know how people react to certain things. He might want to help, he might not. But I dont think i'm ready to find out. I just want the weekend to go really well and hopefully I'll feel better about everything afterward. Maybe I'll get a sign that he really isn't going to leave me for an ex or some other girl up in Nashville where it's more convenient for him.
So I'm not sure how I should have reacted, but def talked to the boyfriend tonight and asked him if he was in a bad mood when I talked to him last night. He said no. Then he said yes, but it was just a mood that he referred to as a bad mood, then told me it had nothing to do with me and it wasn't a big deal. So I asked if it wasn't a big deal and had nothing to do with me, why he wouldn't talk to me about it. So finally he admits he was in a bad mood b/c he went thru my messages on facebook and read some of them. He then said that he was mad b/c I was still talking to my ex on it. So I told him that I don't speak to Aaron and he is def not a friend of mine on facebook. And I had no idea who he was talking about when he kept saying "your alabama friend". Turns out he read a message from a friend of mine where he was goofing off and said something "about not telling my boyfriend and keeping things hush and having a replay of something in the past" and JM took it the wrong way. He wasn't mad at that it could have been my ex, he was upset b/c I tell him I don't talk to Aaron and how much I dislike Aaron for what he did to me, blah blah blah and so he thought i was lying to him about talking to Aaron.
So here's my thing, I'm not sure if I should be mad about him getting on and looking thru my messages (I mean, at least he confessed to it) or not. Also when I asked if I had gone thru his, would I have been upset by a message he would have on his facebook. At first he said no, then later on in the conversation he said that there were messages from and to one of his ex's. And he tried to play off that he wasn't sure if I'd get upset about the messages or not. Which I'm guessing I would.
What gets me is that he said that it's different with me and Aaron then him and his ex. But it's not. He's said some not so nice things about her and when I brought that up he said that he was just mad. But that didn't make sense to me. He was mad at since he dated her 2-3 years ago, then after saying that to me he got over it? B/c he's now friends with her on facebook and apparently they send messages to each other. So how knows.
He said he was looking at the message when he was talking to me and almost said some dick remark to me b/c he said he was half drunk. Had he, I def would be questioning if I was going to Pensacola with him this weekend and probably not be talking to him. So that would have been a fun situation for him to be in, explaining why I decided to not come down and meet his parents and friends. "Oh, well I went thru her facebook and read her messages and assumed she was talking to her ex and got mad about it and said that to her when I was wrong and it wasn't her ex and it was her goofing off with a friend while i do the same exact thing, but I do it with my ex unlike her." Ya right he'd say that.
I think this is the first time I'm feeling like I should be mad at him, but I dont know. But I do know he's coming to get me tomorrow to go to Pensacola and I'm not sure how it's all going to go. We got off the phone tonight with me being short and him asking me to smile, well not asking, but telling me to smile b/c he knew i wasn't and also hadn't been thru most of our conversation.
He just doesn't get that it's hard for me to put all my trust into someone. I've been hurt, badly, in the past. And every time except for one time, the guy ended things with me b/c of another girl, most of the time an ex that came back into the picture. So he doesn't understand why I am so unsure about one of his ex's. Mainly b/c they have just started talking again (so he claims), she's single, she lives in atlanta (which he tried to play off as far but stopped that excuse when I told him I too, live in atlanta and it's a hop,skip and jump to get to nashville), and they have some connections to each other from the past. And I know I shouldn't worry, but the fact that ex's have gotten in the way makes me worry. I just wish I could explain it to him. I mean, he has pictures of all his ex's, except for one, up in his room. Some more than once. It just hurts to see them staring back at me. I feel like I'm being compared to them all the time with him in every way. And I know boys do that, b/c girls do it all the time. I'm just worried that I'm not up to par with any of them. They are all really pretty and already done with college (which i think can be a draw back that i am).
I dont know, I just feel like what happened to me at the end of fall semester is going to happen again. And I'm not going to get into everything, but it's not a good thing. And I'd really like to explain it to him, but at the same time I don't want him to know b/c I feel like he'll end it b/c of it. I would hope not, but you never know how people react to certain things. He might want to help, he might not. But I dont think i'm ready to find out. I just want the weekend to go really well and hopefully I'll feel better about everything afterward. Maybe I'll get a sign that he really isn't going to leave me for an ex or some other girl up in Nashville where it's more convenient for him.