Affirmations...
"When things get difficult, turn to wonder"
I see this every day at work... faded in chalk on the cement walkway in front of Building 8, an affirmation left over from "Peace Day 2011," which happened at the college at least 3 months ago.
Since Halloween, this saying has periodically slipped into my mind. I miss those moments of 'wonder' that I had as a child; that inexplicable feeling of curiosity and whimsy that brings to mind Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” or looking up at the stars outside of one’s bedroom window.
I’m trying to channel this feeling of ‘wonder’ more into my life. It makes life more enjoyable, finding mystery in the mundane. Every day can be a fairy tale, if our mind and imagination allow it to. This past Halloween, I tried to get myself in the spirit even though much wasn’t really happening. I indulged in pumpkin and autumn scents, I watched some of my favorite classic Halloween movies, I painted my nails and wore a Halloween shirt to work (one of the very few who did), and I gave out candy to the trick-or-treaters even though nobody in the house really wanted to. These little things helped to channel the wonder that I had as a child during the Halloween season.
Sometimes I miss who I used to be. I think I was a lot more knowledgeable and introspective. It made me happy just to be on the computer all day watching Kate Bush videos and looking at pictures of castles. Just those images allowed me to transport myself to another world. Now, my mind is wired differently…I have to constantly be doing something or accomplishing a task or else I feel anxious. It’s good to have goals, but my problem is now I have too many that I really don’t know how to relax. Instead of stopping to smell the roses, I have to constantly fill the void of time with some other ‘assignment’. But I’m trying… my recent slew of plaguing headaches and illnesses (of which I rarely use to get) is reminding me that I need to take more time for myself and not feel guilty about doing so.
I compare my child self with my current self to the attraction Splendid China that used to be in Kissimmee. When I first moved to Florida in 1994, Splendid China was a very busy tourist attraction. There were no rides, just replicated sceneries and statues from Ancient China. The gardens were rife with bright blooming flowers; the big tented area was heavily populated with tourists watching the Chinese acrobats and martial artists and kids playing with other kids. I remember, at 7 years old, being in awe when my parents took us to Splendid China. It was a major family event, on the same level at the time as taking a trip to Disney World. I remember the entrance - a large gate flanked by tall golden dragons that seemed even more magnificent to a small seven-year old girl. I remember feeling magical as I walked through that entrance, as if I was really stepping into Ancient China. There was this beautiful and verdant maze with stone structures that I used to love running through. It wasn’t very big, but I remember feeling scared that I might get lost in the maze and afraid that my parents wouldn’t be able to find me. But it was that type of “scared” that was thrilling… a small adventure.
… Splendid China has been closed for a couple years now; I had the opportunity (misfortune, really) of visiting the place just a few months before it closed. My mom was hosting an event for her non-profit Filipino-American organization there. It was such a depressing experience. The park was deserted except for a few old people walking the grounds. The “caretakers” truly let the place go; the statues were dirty and dilapidated… that grand entrance I remembered as a child now seemed pitiful. The park was devoid of color… instead, overgrown roots and rampant, invasive greenery replaced those yellow and pink tulips from before. All of the restaurants were closed except for one miserable cafeteria that sold nasty American Chinese food…food so bad that Ming Court in the mall seemed phenomenal by comparison. The large tented area was now just that - a large white tent, stained with rainwater damage and years of neglect. Surprisingly, the acrobat show still managed to exist in the theater. My sister and cousins who were with me also commented, “Wow, this is just sad. It looks so different than what it used to be.” … I don’t want my imagination and joy for life to end up like Splendid China. I want to continue to tend the garden - to make the flowers bloom.
Another saying I heard for the first time today is "It's hard to be the best when you are concerned with being the best." I thought about how true this was for me. I’ve always struggled with comparing myself to other people. When I was younger, I felt that I was the ‘best’ at a lot of things and it bothered me when I wasn’t. I do miss the drive that I used to have, but I don’t miss the stress. Life is so much more fun when you don’t lay so much expectation on yourself. This pressure I used to feel about being the best was why I wanted to quit guitar for a long time… I wanted to be a badass shredder, but it occurred to me that I was never going to be better than Steve Vai or Rusty Cooley, and it really discouraged me. I thought, “If I can’t be as good as them, why bother playing altogether?!” But now, I’m glad I didn’t quit. It took me years to be comfortable with the guitarist and musician that I am. I now feel good that I can make music that expresses me instead of expressing someone else’s idea or emotions. And whatever way that expression might be, be it slow, fast or groovy - at least it’s me. A documentary I saw on Megadeth last night on VH1 Classic also reminded me of the fact. Dave Mustaine had a 20-year grudge against his former band mates in Metallica. Even when they were at their pinnacle, selling millions of records and topping the charts, it wasn’t enough for him. In his mind, he wasn’t successful unless he surpassed Metallica. As I was watching, I related to Mustaine. But I would hate to take that long just to heal - to harbor such an unhealthy mentality. I had this unhealthy mentality for a long time, but I’m glad that I am finally (almost) free of it. I can finally be me and stop comparing myself. And obviously, Mustaine did right by sticking to his guns and staying true to himself - Megadeth’s cred as a metal band has, in my opinion, surpassed that of Metallica’s. Megadeth is still shredding with that raw intensity while Metallica hasn’t been good for almost fifteen years...
I see this every day at work... faded in chalk on the cement walkway in front of Building 8, an affirmation left over from "Peace Day 2011," which happened at the college at least 3 months ago.
Since Halloween, this saying has periodically slipped into my mind. I miss those moments of 'wonder' that I had as a child; that inexplicable feeling of curiosity and whimsy that brings to mind Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” or looking up at the stars outside of one’s bedroom window.
I’m trying to channel this feeling of ‘wonder’ more into my life. It makes life more enjoyable, finding mystery in the mundane. Every day can be a fairy tale, if our mind and imagination allow it to. This past Halloween, I tried to get myself in the spirit even though much wasn’t really happening. I indulged in pumpkin and autumn scents, I watched some of my favorite classic Halloween movies, I painted my nails and wore a Halloween shirt to work (one of the very few who did), and I gave out candy to the trick-or-treaters even though nobody in the house really wanted to. These little things helped to channel the wonder that I had as a child during the Halloween season.
Sometimes I miss who I used to be. I think I was a lot more knowledgeable and introspective. It made me happy just to be on the computer all day watching Kate Bush videos and looking at pictures of castles. Just those images allowed me to transport myself to another world. Now, my mind is wired differently…I have to constantly be doing something or accomplishing a task or else I feel anxious. It’s good to have goals, but my problem is now I have too many that I really don’t know how to relax. Instead of stopping to smell the roses, I have to constantly fill the void of time with some other ‘assignment’. But I’m trying… my recent slew of plaguing headaches and illnesses (of which I rarely use to get) is reminding me that I need to take more time for myself and not feel guilty about doing so.
I compare my child self with my current self to the attraction Splendid China that used to be in Kissimmee. When I first moved to Florida in 1994, Splendid China was a very busy tourist attraction. There were no rides, just replicated sceneries and statues from Ancient China. The gardens were rife with bright blooming flowers; the big tented area was heavily populated with tourists watching the Chinese acrobats and martial artists and kids playing with other kids. I remember, at 7 years old, being in awe when my parents took us to Splendid China. It was a major family event, on the same level at the time as taking a trip to Disney World. I remember the entrance - a large gate flanked by tall golden dragons that seemed even more magnificent to a small seven-year old girl. I remember feeling magical as I walked through that entrance, as if I was really stepping into Ancient China. There was this beautiful and verdant maze with stone structures that I used to love running through. It wasn’t very big, but I remember feeling scared that I might get lost in the maze and afraid that my parents wouldn’t be able to find me. But it was that type of “scared” that was thrilling… a small adventure.
… Splendid China has been closed for a couple years now; I had the opportunity (misfortune, really) of visiting the place just a few months before it closed. My mom was hosting an event for her non-profit Filipino-American organization there. It was such a depressing experience. The park was deserted except for a few old people walking the grounds. The “caretakers” truly let the place go; the statues were dirty and dilapidated… that grand entrance I remembered as a child now seemed pitiful. The park was devoid of color… instead, overgrown roots and rampant, invasive greenery replaced those yellow and pink tulips from before. All of the restaurants were closed except for one miserable cafeteria that sold nasty American Chinese food…food so bad that Ming Court in the mall seemed phenomenal by comparison. The large tented area was now just that - a large white tent, stained with rainwater damage and years of neglect. Surprisingly, the acrobat show still managed to exist in the theater. My sister and cousins who were with me also commented, “Wow, this is just sad. It looks so different than what it used to be.” … I don’t want my imagination and joy for life to end up like Splendid China. I want to continue to tend the garden - to make the flowers bloom.
Another saying I heard for the first time today is "It's hard to be the best when you are concerned with being the best." I thought about how true this was for me. I’ve always struggled with comparing myself to other people. When I was younger, I felt that I was the ‘best’ at a lot of things and it bothered me when I wasn’t. I do miss the drive that I used to have, but I don’t miss the stress. Life is so much more fun when you don’t lay so much expectation on yourself. This pressure I used to feel about being the best was why I wanted to quit guitar for a long time… I wanted to be a badass shredder, but it occurred to me that I was never going to be better than Steve Vai or Rusty Cooley, and it really discouraged me. I thought, “If I can’t be as good as them, why bother playing altogether?!” But now, I’m glad I didn’t quit. It took me years to be comfortable with the guitarist and musician that I am. I now feel good that I can make music that expresses me instead of expressing someone else’s idea or emotions. And whatever way that expression might be, be it slow, fast or groovy - at least it’s me. A documentary I saw on Megadeth last night on VH1 Classic also reminded me of the fact. Dave Mustaine had a 20-year grudge against his former band mates in Metallica. Even when they were at their pinnacle, selling millions of records and topping the charts, it wasn’t enough for him. In his mind, he wasn’t successful unless he surpassed Metallica. As I was watching, I related to Mustaine. But I would hate to take that long just to heal - to harbor such an unhealthy mentality. I had this unhealthy mentality for a long time, but I’m glad that I am finally (almost) free of it. I can finally be me and stop comparing myself. And obviously, Mustaine did right by sticking to his guns and staying true to himself - Megadeth’s cred as a metal band has, in my opinion, surpassed that of Metallica’s. Megadeth is still shredding with that raw intensity while Metallica hasn’t been good for almost fifteen years...