(no subject)
i'm afraid that im fooling myself. that maybe i dont really wanna go to umd. i am jealous thta my friends got to look at different places and actually pick what happens to the rest of their life. i dont like knowing that i dont have control over this. but i cant tell anyone because i do want to go to umd. i want to go to the school that has that name. but i dont like the dorms, i dont like how big it is...i wish i could wanna go somewhere else. i wish i had grown up loving a different school. I wish this whole thing could be done with, so i cant find out if i'm making the right choice or not, or i wish i could be a kid again. no cares about college. i dont feel like its the right time yet for me to be going to college. and now my mom is making me write another essay for maryland and i just cant do it. i cant deal with any of this anymore. Im sick of writing things that are going to be judged. I dont know anymore. i dont know how to put my thoughts into words, or to get my point across. theres so much left i have to do for the maryland app and so little time. and also, i still have to apply to towson and del and pennstate. its TOO MUCH. maryland has like 5 more short answer things for me to do. which basically means 6 more essays for md, and god knows how many more for the other schools. I just want to cry. i dont know what to do anymore. i'm even starting to get a mixed personality. like i'm constantly fighting with myself. part of me wants to be sad all the time and part of me wants to be happy. fortunantly the happy side is winning but not easily. i keep convincing myself to cut again, that itll help. its hard to be in a constant argument with myself, let alone anyone else. Idont have time for friends anymore which is making me upset because people wanna hang out and i have no time and i feel like im losing my closest friends. I know this will all be over with soon and that's the only thing keeping me going. except that im just waiting till that deadline comes, im not doing the things i need to be doing. im sitting around, eating, watching tv, and playing x box. and i cant control myself. i cant stand watching myself becoming a failure, but at the same time i cant convince myself to do anything better.