My Heart, not your hands, but someone is squeezing.
Lately, i've felt disconnected from my life. As if I'm the shadow watching this mass of skin and bones move and go through the everyday actions. Is that my mind or a real feeling?
I've come to learn that I am not one to live with three other girls. I cannot handle the barbie doll lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, I like to dress up, but only so often that people noticed I put on make up. I don't like to be looking good every day. And maybe I do that on purpose so i won't be noticed. Who knows. Because let's face it, I'm the girl who only wants to be the center of attention when its my turn and I deserve it. Not every time. And I don't always want to be the one who has to be the life of the party. How am i supposed to make sure everyone is having a good time if I can't decide when I'm having a truly good time or if I'm just acting. It's hard to decipher when half your self is an act and the other half is always negatively thinking.
I'm talking to him again. We are going to a concert together. I don't know how this is going to go. It feels fake. It feels forced. But is that better than hating each other? Well more like me hating him. And if so, will my other friends still accept me or reject me because I'm his friend. And should it really matter...because if they are my true friends won't they still be my true friends...or while hating him will they hate me as well? Should it even matter?
I keep having these nightmares...where me and a friend are injured beyond recognizability. Do you think that's a sign? Or do you think my mind wants me to believe that something bad will happen? Or am i wishing that I get hurt so everything can just stop. All the pain (emotional anyway), hate, sleep deprivation, school, work and whatever else is going on in my life? I'm no psychologist but it sure seems that I have more nightmares than dreams. Lately, it seems that the only dream i have is of becoming a nurse.
Three meals a day has turned into one meal a day. And maybe a light snack. The working out has increased...hopefully i lose weight. I miss being skinny to the point where people notice.
As far as guys in my life goes....well that should pretty much say it right there.
Anyways, I should probably get back to studying and stop bitching about this thing called my life....
I've come to learn that I am not one to live with three other girls. I cannot handle the barbie doll lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, I like to dress up, but only so often that people noticed I put on make up. I don't like to be looking good every day. And maybe I do that on purpose so i won't be noticed. Who knows. Because let's face it, I'm the girl who only wants to be the center of attention when its my turn and I deserve it. Not every time. And I don't always want to be the one who has to be the life of the party. How am i supposed to make sure everyone is having a good time if I can't decide when I'm having a truly good time or if I'm just acting. It's hard to decipher when half your self is an act and the other half is always negatively thinking.
I'm talking to him again. We are going to a concert together. I don't know how this is going to go. It feels fake. It feels forced. But is that better than hating each other? Well more like me hating him. And if so, will my other friends still accept me or reject me because I'm his friend. And should it really matter...because if they are my true friends won't they still be my true friends...or while hating him will they hate me as well? Should it even matter?
I keep having these nightmares...where me and a friend are injured beyond recognizability. Do you think that's a sign? Or do you think my mind wants me to believe that something bad will happen? Or am i wishing that I get hurt so everything can just stop. All the pain (emotional anyway), hate, sleep deprivation, school, work and whatever else is going on in my life? I'm no psychologist but it sure seems that I have more nightmares than dreams. Lately, it seems that the only dream i have is of becoming a nurse.
Three meals a day has turned into one meal a day. And maybe a light snack. The working out has increased...hopefully i lose weight. I miss being skinny to the point where people notice.
As far as guys in my life goes....well that should pretty much say it right there.
Anyways, I should probably get back to studying and stop bitching about this thing called my life....