State
I'm doing a lot better.
A lot of the problem has been work. I want out. I want out so bad that I was starting to consider hanging inside public bathrooms to see if people wanted to use my tongue for a human toilet paper sheet for five bucks. That's a service people may pay for, right? Okay, I wasn't that desperate, but I am feeling a bit trapped even though some things are still not an option to get out of this racket. Computers suck as a job. I have no idea why my brain thought it seemed like a good idea to sit in front of one while radiation beams into my skull from the screen all day, day after day, with little to no people contact. What's more, it was really a brilliant idea to think some validation of my existence can come from a boss.
But this isn't a rant about work again.
Here's the thing though. I think I was feeling guilty about all this. Like, I wouldn't mind at all to be some placated happy pill popping worker that was grateful he wasn't laid off yet and constantly felt like he wasn't doing enough to please who ever needed to be pleased. This is what I was thinking I should be doing. Maybe there is something wrong with me, and it is my duty to come in here smiling while I answer every whim the boss makes. I did have work ethic at one time and have done the 14 hour work day thing. However, I'm inclined to think that I was so very sick then. I'm suspecting that I have nothing to feel guilty about. I don't like computers. What is really all that wrong about that?
The other thing that was getting me down is it seems like I wasn't getting anywhere financially. Dad does pressure me into socking money away for investments. Before and even during this year, it seemed like I was putting away a lot while continually trying to convince him that alternating between that and paying off the house was something I wanted to do. While I was putting in this money, no matter how much it was (well not really no matter), it seemed to stay at the same balance. It was to say the least a little frustrating. He kept telling me that the stock market has been the worst it ever has. I ask him about the depression, and he says well, other than that. The depression was longer, he tells me. That's the only reason it was worse. So more money I put in while it stays the same and.. get this.. feeling guilty about not putting enough to show a increase in the balance to compensate for the plummet of the market.
And right about now, I'm feeling a little guilty about sounding too much like a suburban white bratty snot nosed kid.
So, I sat down and figured out how much I actually lost during this giant crash. It turned out to be roughly 30% of my investment. All this while, he has been telling me that on average, I can expect to make 10% every year. Given the three past bad years, that is an additional 30% I've lost (the missing 10 from the return on my investment). I called him in the later past week and told him that it's really getting me down. For that average to work, it has to do 20% for the next six years. It's not doing crap, and I don't want to put in money just as an attempt to try to keep the same. He told me to come out to the office on the weekend, and I did. And he heard me.
He showed me it wasn't nearly as much as I thought I'd lost. Also, this year was a great year, and I actually had lost 60% of my investment but gained back a whopping 30% this year alone. He helped me figure out the funds that I didn't know what the initial investment was and how well they were doing. That cut in to even more of the remaining 30%. He also showed me a lot of great subscription web sites that talk about investments and allowed me to have a lot more involvement than just relying on him recommending stuff to invest in. I got a little bit of control over the helplessness of it all.
The one other thing that has been churning around in my brain is the books that I've been reading. They are about what adults look like when you beat them as kids. It's certainly not proving to be light reading or escapism in any manner. In fact, they might as well be titled, "Hey Todd! You're Fucked Up And There Is Very Little You Can Do About!" Well, at times they could be called that. I've been setting it down every five pages and let it stew. You can only take so much of, "Oh, I do that!" and "Oh! I'm so completely that!" and "Jesus H. Christ, that isn't what you are suppose to do?" However, this second one I'm reading kind of gives you hints about how to be .. wait.. what is that foreign term? functioning?
And after all this not being enough or good enough or guilty enough shit crap dung, I was reading through the hints section and realizing, I've suspected these things. I've done those things as well and had a hunch that they work. While I still may beat myself up from time to time over this, I'm pretty darn functioning. In fact, I'm suppose to be in jail or dead with a needle in my arm, but I'm not. I'm suppose to not be able to love anyone, but I can. No one is suppose to love me, but they do. I've done a lot of this stuff on my own, and you know what? Despite all my posts about how stupid I am, I'm pretty darn smart for having pulled off all that I've pulled off.
Okay.. Stopping there before I start feeling guilty about sounding like some reaffirming snot nosed sniveling bratty white suburban kid.
A lot of the problem has been work. I want out. I want out so bad that I was starting to consider hanging inside public bathrooms to see if people wanted to use my tongue for a human toilet paper sheet for five bucks. That's a service people may pay for, right? Okay, I wasn't that desperate, but I am feeling a bit trapped even though some things are still not an option to get out of this racket. Computers suck as a job. I have no idea why my brain thought it seemed like a good idea to sit in front of one while radiation beams into my skull from the screen all day, day after day, with little to no people contact. What's more, it was really a brilliant idea to think some validation of my existence can come from a boss.
But this isn't a rant about work again.
Here's the thing though. I think I was feeling guilty about all this. Like, I wouldn't mind at all to be some placated happy pill popping worker that was grateful he wasn't laid off yet and constantly felt like he wasn't doing enough to please who ever needed to be pleased. This is what I was thinking I should be doing. Maybe there is something wrong with me, and it is my duty to come in here smiling while I answer every whim the boss makes. I did have work ethic at one time and have done the 14 hour work day thing. However, I'm inclined to think that I was so very sick then. I'm suspecting that I have nothing to feel guilty about. I don't like computers. What is really all that wrong about that?
The other thing that was getting me down is it seems like I wasn't getting anywhere financially. Dad does pressure me into socking money away for investments. Before and even during this year, it seemed like I was putting away a lot while continually trying to convince him that alternating between that and paying off the house was something I wanted to do. While I was putting in this money, no matter how much it was (well not really no matter), it seemed to stay at the same balance. It was to say the least a little frustrating. He kept telling me that the stock market has been the worst it ever has. I ask him about the depression, and he says well, other than that. The depression was longer, he tells me. That's the only reason it was worse. So more money I put in while it stays the same and.. get this.. feeling guilty about not putting enough to show a increase in the balance to compensate for the plummet of the market.
And right about now, I'm feeling a little guilty about sounding too much like a suburban white bratty snot nosed kid.
So, I sat down and figured out how much I actually lost during this giant crash. It turned out to be roughly 30% of my investment. All this while, he has been telling me that on average, I can expect to make 10% every year. Given the three past bad years, that is an additional 30% I've lost (the missing 10 from the return on my investment). I called him in the later past week and told him that it's really getting me down. For that average to work, it has to do 20% for the next six years. It's not doing crap, and I don't want to put in money just as an attempt to try to keep the same. He told me to come out to the office on the weekend, and I did. And he heard me.
He showed me it wasn't nearly as much as I thought I'd lost. Also, this year was a great year, and I actually had lost 60% of my investment but gained back a whopping 30% this year alone. He helped me figure out the funds that I didn't know what the initial investment was and how well they were doing. That cut in to even more of the remaining 30%. He also showed me a lot of great subscription web sites that talk about investments and allowed me to have a lot more involvement than just relying on him recommending stuff to invest in. I got a little bit of control over the helplessness of it all.
The one other thing that has been churning around in my brain is the books that I've been reading. They are about what adults look like when you beat them as kids. It's certainly not proving to be light reading or escapism in any manner. In fact, they might as well be titled, "Hey Todd! You're Fucked Up And There Is Very Little You Can Do About!" Well, at times they could be called that. I've been setting it down every five pages and let it stew. You can only take so much of, "Oh, I do that!" and "Oh! I'm so completely that!" and "Jesus H. Christ, that isn't what you are suppose to do?" However, this second one I'm reading kind of gives you hints about how to be .. wait.. what is that foreign term? functioning?
And after all this not being enough or good enough or guilty enough shit crap dung, I was reading through the hints section and realizing, I've suspected these things. I've done those things as well and had a hunch that they work. While I still may beat myself up from time to time over this, I'm pretty darn functioning. In fact, I'm suppose to be in jail or dead with a needle in my arm, but I'm not. I'm suppose to not be able to love anyone, but I can. No one is suppose to love me, but they do. I've done a lot of this stuff on my own, and you know what? Despite all my posts about how stupid I am, I'm pretty darn smart for having pulled off all that I've pulled off.
Okay.. Stopping there before I start feeling guilty about sounding like some reaffirming snot nosed sniveling bratty white suburban kid.