One-Shot RyoDa Fanfic: Goodbye, The Funeral (Part II)
Title: Goodbye, The Funeral(Part II)
Pairing: RyoDa & KAT-TUN ai
Genre: Drama, Angst, & Friendship
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Ueda’s funeral beings and people say their goodbyes
Word Count: 5.258
Author's Notes: Thank you for reading my fanfic up until now. This is Part II and will be the final part of the story. Comments are always appreciated so please let me know what you think: good or bad. Enjoy!
Previous Parts of Fanfic:
{ Goodbye }
{ Goodbye, The Funeral (Part I) }
Ûchan, I’m sorry I never got to say goodbye, but I hope this will do. I love you and will always miss you.
******
As Jin spoke his finals words, his face drenched in tears, Koki, his younger band mate and friend, who stood beside him, fell to his knees, head faced down, mouth agape, his tears uncontrollably traveling down his face. The steam of salty cries coursed towards his mouth and the mixture of saliva and salted tears drenched the red carpet below him.
“USO …” Koki screamed out, his voice resonating in agonized pain, while delivering vicious blows to the ground, unable to accept the truth of his friend’s death. His cries and actions led Jin to alter his position, his back turned towards the guests, desperately trying to conceal the pouring tears that marred his face. The remaining members of KAT-TUN empathized with their friends but unable to hold in their own grief, their cries, too, filled the church walls, tragic moans and screams surging through every corner of the structure.
In a plea to deny the truth, Koki, his hands still in fists, swung his left arm violently and hit the pillar in which Jin, Taguchi, and Kamenashi had voiced their farewells. The impact of the violent swing echoed in the church and the mass jumped at the noise, a noise in which symbolized the torment that dwelled in their hearts.
However, the reaction of the assembly did not deter Koki as he continued to repeatedly beat the floor below him. Unable to bear the sound any longer, the sound in which Taguchi correlated disbelief and anguish with, Taguchi fell to his knees and swiftly wrapped his arms around his slightly older friend, pulling him towards his own body, his aching chest pressed against Koki’s trembling figure. Kamenashi followed suit and stood in front of both of the bodies that kneeled on the ground. The younger man, who had always been known to be calm and unaffected, looked down at the sight before him and then turned to face the group of people who sat in the benches mourning. He turned his attention back towards the panic-stricken body and fell to his knees; he clinched onto Koki’s fists in a gesture for him to stop.
“Koki, Koki …” Kamenashi softly and slowly spoke his friend’s name in an attempt to appease the man, though muffled by his own cries and chocked voice, he, the dependable and calm Kamenashi, froze in his place, unable to continue his own pacification towards his friend.
“Koki,” Taguchi called to the man in a stern but soft voice, “Koki, please relax and stop this. Stop being selfish. I know you’re hurt but so are we. Look around,” Taguchi still holding Koki in his embrace took his right hand and slowly lifted Koki’s depressed head, “every one here is. We all lost Uepi. We’re all mourning. It’s not just you.” Taguchi’s words were heard by all his band mates and for a quick moment, a tiny, miniscule smile appeared on their faces. The once immature Taguchi became the one member who showed his strength in the devastating circumstance that they had to confront. But in truth, Taguchi knew that no amount of noise, cries, or words could eliminate the reality that had saddened their lives. After all, a piece of their existence had been taken away from them without any warning and they failed to stand strong under the circumstances.
While all this took place, Nakamaru, the oldest member of the group, watched and tried to analyze the situation. Upon assessing the site, he realized that if they all couldn’t stand strong now, then they would not survive as a group. In his apprehension of the ordeal, Nakamaru finally spoke for the first time since standing in front of the church with his friends.
“Oi,” Nakamaru called out in a cool manner, “if we can’t stand strong here, at this very moment, we can never stand strong. And then what, huh? All the hard work we put into this group. All the hard work Ueda put into this group will have been for what. Nothing?” Nakamaru’s tone and choice of words stunned all the members and even some of the mourners who sat at the front and heard his words.
“Koki, get up. Taguchi, Kame, help him up.” Nakamaru stared directly at Koki as he was being helped to his feet by the two youngest members of the group. Nakamaru’s eyes fixed on the other’s eyes, “if you can’t say anything to Ueda, then let me say what I need to say. We won’t hold the crowd any longer with our own hesitations. If you continue to hold everyone here, I won’t allow you to speak.” His cold demeanor shocked the members but they knew that his words were right. Everyone was grieving Ueda’s death, and their cries had lasted a little longer than had been expected. But regardless of the fact, none of the assembled bodies minded the scene that had taken place between the five men. All in attendance had expected this kind of scenario to take place; after all, they had lost a member of their group and clearly one of their best friends.
******
We won’t hold the crowd any longer with our own hesitations. If you continue to hold everyone here, I won’t allow you to speak.
The words spoken by Nakamaru towards Koki rang in the ears of the old man sitting in the front row of the church. Such words had disappointed him that his legs began to move on their own. He made his way onto the stage, all the members as well as all of the attendants watched him walk towards the group of men and then …
‘PAAAAA ….’ the sound of the intense slap delivered to Nakamaru’s left cheek echoed throughout the entire church. The assembly of mourners who sat in their seats watched baffled and shocked at the scene that had taken place, especially since no one knew why he had cast such a hit onto the young man’s face in the first place.
The old man looked at Nakamaru for a quick instance and then cupped his face with both his warm, shivering, and wrinkled hands, using them to bring their foreheads close together. The old man gazed at the younger man’s eyes with intensity, pain and disappointment.
“Yuichi, stop it pleases. Please don’t disappoint me. You’re Tatsuya’s best friend, aren’t you?” The old man’s tears that had formed during the time Ueda’s band mates stood in front of the church began to fall as soon as his hands had lifted themselves up and reached Nakamaru’s left cheek. He gazed onto Nakamaru’s eyes communicating with the younger man without saying a word.
Nakamaru, whose face had turned bright red due to his tears and the slap he received on his face, knew why he had been given such a hit to begin with and why the man who was standing in front of him showed his eyes of disappointment towards him. The site of the old man in tears and quivering brought shame onto Nakamaru. He had realized his mistake as soon as the old man had stood up from his seat. It shamed him to be looking into the eyes of Ueda’s father, his best friend’s father.
Both of them began to cry and Ueda’s father tightly embraced the younger man when he knew that Nakamaru had realized his mistake. The scene was heartbreaking. Although many were unaware of the reason behind the slap, the two men embracing before them left an aching in their hearts.
Koki slowly approached the two men and without warning, Ueda’s father reached out his arms and grabbed Koki, all three men in a tight embrace.
“Koki,” Ueda’s father whispered in the circled embrace they had formed, “take your time and make sure you properly say goodbye to my son. Make sure that when you leave this stage, you have no regrets about what you said or didn’t say. Nakamaru, please take care of the rest of the members in the group from now on.”
Ueda’s father turned to face the crowd and spoke directly and loudly towards them.
“If anyone here thinks that the young men on this stage are taking too long with their goodbyes, then you are free to leave. As for me, I will sit on that bench,” Ueda’s father pointed to his right where his wife and daughter were sitting, “with my family and patiently wait till all of the men here have said what they need to say to my son. I will wait patiently and listen carefully. If you cannot do the same and you think that they are taking up your precious time, then please leave now.”
At his words, the crowd wept in silence, finally realizing what the entire scene was all about. Ueda’s father looked at the members and placed his hands on the shoulders of Nakamaru and Koki, “Take your time. We will wait,” was what Ueda’s father told the boys before walking off the stage to sit with his wife and daughter.
Koki and Nakamaru looked at each other; Kamenashi, Taguchi, and Jin looked at their friends who had yet to say goodbye. With a single nod from all the members, they walked off into their places and continued. The words and actions of Ueda’s father had given the group of men a little bit of hope to continue and it had lifted and strengthened their hearts.
Koki stood in front of the assembly as he whipped away the tears that had stained his face and continued with his farewell.
******
Minna-san, my name is Tanaka Koki and Ueda Tatsuya is my friend. Although he may never be able to physically stand by my side again, he will always be with me in my heart.
Earlier, Kame told you about the letter Uepu had written for us. In the letter he wrote, he addressed each member individually and at the end, he addressed the entire group. Kame told you about the promise we made and what he said was perfect. It’s true that even in his death Uepu will always look out for us and help us make KAT-TUN better because like his fans said in the letter Taguchi read, he worked hard for himself and with the rest of us to make our group what it is today.
Individually he shortly described to us how he felt. Uepu was always good with his words so I guess that’s why he didn’t have to write much to touch each of our hearts. He summed up every relationship he had with us in simple yet profound words.
He told Kame that he was kind and to keep working hard and supporting KAT-TUN as he always has. I couldn’t have said it any better. Kame, you are kind and please do continue to work hard and support us members as you always have.
To Jin, I think Uepu’s letter addressed Jin the most. He described his disappointment in Jin for leaving for the states during our debut and how he didn’t support Jin’s decision to leave. To be honest, I didn’t support Jin’s decision either but Uepopu was really the only one who expressed his complete disapproval of it. But because of that we became a better group; I guess the set back Akanishi presented us turned out for the best. He also told Jin to remain carefree and to continue singing for himself and for KAT-TUN. Jin, please continue singing for you and for KAT-TUN.
Taguchi, well to Taguchi, Uepu commented about how he hated his jokes but to continue being the same happy Taguchi he always has been; and that through all our abuse, to please endure it because it’s our way of showing him that we love him. So please, Taguchi, endure more of our abuse; please know that our mistreatment comes from the heart.
To Maru, well, Uepu called him irreplaceable. He said that amongst anyone else, he would have never wanted any other person to be by his side in Johnny’s jimusho. I’m a bit jealous of Nakamaru because of that but I can understand why Uepu said that. The two of them have always been in the same group since they joined Johnny’s. I was even in one or two groups with them. But I noticed that whenever they were together, they had a unique and strong relationship. I guess that’s what their friendship was built on. They were always together, and even when KAT-TUN formed, the one member Uepu always liked or at least got along with the best was Nakamaru. Uepu talked about how he would tease Nakamaru a lot and play wicked tricks on him, and that Nakamaru would let him get away with it. I think Tacchan was right. I think Nakamaru did like it when Uepu teased him because he would always smile brightly when he did. So from now on, Nakamaru, although I can’t replace Uepu, please allow me to play wicked tricks on you. I promise I’ll be a complete S type with you.
And to me, Uepu wrote that amongst KAT-TUN I was the most kind and gentle. Can you believe that, me, kind and gentle? And to think that when we first met we wanted to fight each other. Anyways, Uepu wants me to always remain this way and to always be the best he knows that I can be. That’s what he wrote in his letter. But because he wants me to continue being this way, I will. Because for him, for my friend, I’d do anything.
Uepu with everything I am and everything I will become, until we meet again, I promise you that I will never let you down. I promise to be kind and gentle, and to always put forth my best effort in everything I do. Continue to watch over me, us, and I’ll see you when I see you. Wait for me, ne?
******
Konichiwa, minna-san, my name is Nakamaru Yuichi. There’s not much that I need to say really. We spent a lot of time together and we were always able to tell each other what was on our minds. Earlier, some people referred to me as his best friend. I guess I really am. When I think about all the times we spent together and all the jokes we played on one another, or rather all the jokes he played on me, a smile is the only think that comes to mind. His smile, my smile, our smiles. When we were together, we did a lot of smiling.
As friends, we had a lot of fun and good days, but for some reason, the days that stand out the most to me are the bad days. I suppose that’s because after every bad day, a good day appeared. With every bad day, our friendship was tested and strengthened. There were so many times when we yelled or got angry at each other but regardless of those times, we got past them and laughed once again.
Today, if I were to categorize this day as good or bad day, I don’t think I could chose. Today is definitely not a good day. But, I don’t think I can call today a bad day either. Because if I chose to call today a bad day, then tomorrow I’ll have to call it a good day. And honestly, I don’t think I can. I don’t see how I can call tomorrow or any other day without him a good day. I can’t see the good that comes after today.
Yes, as KAT-TUN, we will continue to work hard for his sake and for our own sakes, but no matter what, it will never be the same. Moments from now, I will stand on the side of his casket and lift it to his burial place. With my own hands, I will be one of the few people assembled here today who will carry my best friend to his final resting place. Do you see my dilemma? Do you see why I can’t chose whether today can be considered a good or bad day?
I can’t blame him for not telling me of his condition; after all, he was a man with a lot of pride. But it doesn’t mean that I’m happy with the decision he made. Tatsuya, when we meet again, I’m definitely going to give you a piece of my mind. Until then, please watch over us. You’ll be our own personal angel. Or, in your case, maybe a fairy.
(The 3 of them together warms my heart and soul, agreed?)
******
Three hours had past since Ueda’s body was buried beneath the cold, moist earth. The day that had started out cold and gray became colder, and the sky never unveiled the bright sun that had been predicted to illuminate all of Japan. It never came and it seemed as if it would never come again. All those who had come to pay their final respects had left. Well, all except for one.
After the burial, there was one figure, one man, who remained by Ueda’s side. He positioned himself on top of the bitter ground, his right cheek, chest, pelvic, and thighs, stained by the soil that had covered his lover’s body. It had been a bittersweet day for the young man. Bitter because the man he loved was engulfed by the cruel earth and sweet because now his lover had finally rested peacefully in the world that bore him his fleeting existence.
His lifeless body rested comfortably yet devastatingly on Ueda’s grave. The tears that he had shed hours ago had dried up and flawed his seemingly perfect features. The man stayed on the ground thinking about everything that had happened, everything that had lead up to this very moment of him alone and his lover dead. So many questions that had no answers and so many answers he didn’t want to believe in anymore. To him, the reality of today meant that for the rest of his life, the one person who knew him best, the one person who he showed all his sides to, gentle and cruel, the one person who accepted all of his flaws, would no longer be by his side.
To Nishikido Ryo, the painful truth killed everything inside of him. His happiness had disappeared. His smile had turned cold. His color and light had faded away. His life had withered into nothing. Although his friends had tried desperately to help him grieve, no amount of help or support could escape the dimness that had cast over his entire being. So much so, that he felt like dying.
What was there to live for anyways? His dreams didn’t matter to him anymore if the one person he wanted to share them with was no longer with him, at least, not physically there. The big house, the dog, the garden, the money, everything became nothing but words, they were no longer dreams. He had no resolve to continue and a life with no will was as useful as the dirt he was rooted on.
He rested on the ground recalling the moment Tatsuya had confessed his love for him.
‘Nishikido … Ryo … I love … you. I know that you may not love me but … I just had to tell you the truth. It was eating me up inside seeing you and being unable to tell you how I truly felt. When I look at you, my heart … it breaks, because … I know that you could never love me. But my heart also strengthens because seeing you makes me happy. If you could find it in your heart to tell me how you truly feel … I would treasure your words forever. ’
Those were the words of Ueda’s confession. Ryo had remembered them perfectly. His lover’s words had touched him and he had felt the same about the older man, but for the life of him, the only thing his mouth could respond with was, ‘… bakayaro, why would I love someone like you.’
His heart began to painfully break into smaller pieces than they were already in.
‘Did Tatsuya treasure my cruel words? Did he believe in them? I didn’t mean what I had said. Did I tell him enough times of how much I loved him when he was alive? Was he pained by my stupidity? Did he know how much I truly loved him?’
These were the thoughts that ran in Nishikido’s head. With every thought, the pieces of his heart began to die within him. He loved Tatsuya more than anything in the world. So much so that he blamed himself for being unable to tell the older man how he truly felt. His stupidity was what led the two men to have such a short relationship. After Tatsuya’s confession, it took them nearly two years to get together. All that time had passed because of Ryo and his inability to confess his true feelings. And now, the man he wanted to spend an eternity with was longer in his grasp.
How could he move on without him? How could he live?
The pain in his chest tightened and his tears began to form again. One drop, two drops, three …
As soon as Ryo’s tears began to fall, a sudden sound caught his attention. It was the deafening sound of thunder that captivated the afternoon sky and symphonized in his ears. He tilted his head and looked up towards the heavens, slowly, one by one, one drop, two drops, three … the droplets of rain came crashing onto his face. The rain had covered his tears, his pathetic countenance obscured by the gift given by the dim skies. Slowly, Ryo’s eyes became heavy and because he had no will to fight, he closed them, letting the pouring shower drench his entire body.
******
‘Ryo … Ryo, wake up. Get up. You’ll get sick if you stay out in this rain. Please don’t get sick.’
The words had reached Ryo's ears, but the voice behind the words, his tears just couldn’t stop. The voice who uttered the words sounded exactly like his late lover’s voice.
‘Ryo, open your eyes.’ At the words, Ryo eyes opened and as soon as they did, his face turned pale at the sight of the man in front of him. He was looking up at his lover, his one true love.
‘This must be a dream,’ Ryo thought. His lover was beneath his body and six feet of dirt and six inches of metal and stuffing separated them from each other.
‘Tatsuya,’ Ryo called out to the figure in front of him. ‘Are you really here?’ Ryo stretched out his hands to touch the angelic and pristine face that he had once woken up to every morning. At the touch, he could feel the warmth that was being generated by the man in front of him, the warmth that once belonged to him; the warmth that once filled his very existence.
‘Ryo, if you don’t get out of this rain you’ll get sick. Please don’t get sick.’
‘Tatsuya … Tatsuya,’ Ryo kept calling out to the man in front of him. ‘Please don’t leave me. I beg you, I’ll do anything, just please don’t leave me. Not again. I can’t take it. I can’t be without you. I want to be with you. Take me with you. Please.’
‘Silly, I’ll never leave you. I’ll always be with you.’ At his own words, Tatsuya’s tears began to fall. The sight of his lover’s hurt face broke his heart. ‘But I’m sorry. I can’t take you with me. Were I’ll be, you aren’t allowed. I just wanted to wake you up before you get sick. Get up, okay?’
‘Tatsuya, gomen … hontoni … gomenasai. I realized that because of me, I caused you so much pain. We were unable to be together for as long as we could have been because of me. I wasn’t there for you. Please forgive me.’
‘Ryo, you have nothing to apologize for.’
‘But I─’ Ueda cut off his lover’s words and began to speak again.
‘Please listen to me Ryo. Please don’t speak until I have said everything that I need to say.’
Ryo nodded his head in affirmation.
‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that I was sick. To be honest, the reason I had confessed in the first place was because I had found out that I was ill.’ Ueda’s confession brought even more tears to Ryo’s eyes. Even before they were together, Tatsuya was already sick and he didn’t know. He didn’t even know his lover was sick when they were together, he didn’t know until it was already too late.
‘Gomen, hontoni gomenasai. I was selfish. But I loved you so much that I couldn’t keep it in anymore. I had to tell you how I felt before it had been too late for me. When I found out about my illness, I wanted you to know my true feelings for you. And when we finally got together, I had lost all the courage within myself to tell you that I was sick. To me, your smiling face and your happy life was what made me live on. I couldn’t tell you that I was sick because if I did, I would have died right there and then. And those words you told me when I confessed to you, I do cherish them Ryo. Because of those words, you knew how I felt, and you fought within yourself to confess to me. Because of those words, you told me that you loved me.’
Both men cried profusely under the showering sky. They wrapped their arms around each other in a tight embrace, neither willing to let go of the other.
‘Ryo, promise me that you’ll live on without me. It’s okay if you find someone new to love. Just as long as you use the love, you had for me to make your new love grow. With that, I will be happy. Please, remember … that I will always be with you. Do you remember the letter and what I had written to you? If you are angry or depressed, I’ll turn the world into gray. If you are sad, I’ll flood the world. If you are happy, I’ll shine over the world. Please, remember that I will always be with you. Please …’
Suddenly, Ueda’s words were no longer audible to Ryo’s ears. He was unsure what was happening but it scared him.
‘Tatsuya! What! What! What are you saying, please speak up, I can’t hear you! Tatsuya …’ Ryo frantically screamed but was unable to get his lover’s attention.
And before he knew it, Ueda’s figure began to fade. Then out of nowhere, in the background, a song began to play. The lyrics sounded familiar to Ryo but he was unable to come up with the name of the song. But he tried desperately to listen to the faint playing, thinking and hoping that it was some sort of message his lover was sending him. Tatsuya’s hands reached out to touch his face, whipping away the tears and caressing his thumb on Ryo’s lips. Gone.
******
Ryo’s eyes began to slowly open and he realized that it had all been a dream. The rain was still pouring on his body and his lover was still buried in the ground below him. Ryo had fallen asleep at his lover’s graveside, dreaming that he was still with him.
When he finally came to, being able to think coherently, he distraughtly tried to remember the lyrics to the song that had played during his time with Ueda.
Tachidomaru jikan ga ugokidasou to shiteru, wasuretakunai koto bakari.
He sat in the rain, continuing his efforts to remember where he had heard those lyrics from before. He knew them from somewhere; he felt that he had sung them already. Seconds then minutes had passed and yet he could not figure out where the lyrics had come from. He felt angry with himself; that even in Ueda’s death he was useless. He couldn’t do anything for him. He couldn’t even figure out the song that had played when they had met again.
He looked at his lover’s grave. Eyeing the characters that were engraved onto his stone.
上田竜也
─ 息子, 兄弟, 友人, 恋人 ─
‘Tatsuya … I really am useless without you. I can’t even remember where I had heard those lyrics from. Tachidomaru jikan ga ugokidasou to shiteru, wasuretakunai koto bakeri (The frozen time is about to start, but there are things that I do not want to forget).’
‘Tatsuya, I’m sorry I couldn’t speak in front of everyone today. I didn’t have enough courage within me to face them. To face you. I think your father was disappointed in me when I didn’t stand up to say goodbye. But at the same time, I think he understood why. I just couldn’t stand in front of your family, your friends, our friends and say to them how I felt. Because no words can describe how much pain, I’m in without you in my life. I was never really any good at expressing my emotions, unless they were cruel words, or unless I speaking with you. Unless you were the one I was talking to, I was never any good. How I felt about you then and how I feel about you now are not the same. Back then, I loved you and now, I love you so much that I can’t see myself without you. Please understand that if I can’t keep my promise to move on, that I still love you, and that I hope that you will still love me, too. You were my first love and my only love.’
At Ryo’s own words, he realized where he had heard the song from. It was the very last song Tatsuya had played for him before he went on his trip. The trip of course was to the hospital. Were Tatsuya had wanted to be alone so that he could die without anyone there to watch him go. At that realization, Ryo found a resolve within himself. He stared at his lover’s grave, caressed the characters of his name, and kissed the stone.
Before walking off, he took out two rings from his left pants pocket. Engraved on the inside lining where the names: Nishikido Ryo & Nishikido Tatsuya. The ring that had read Nishikido Tatsuya he slid delicately on his wedding finger and with the other ring, that read Nishikido Ryo, he buried it in the same dirt that covered his lover’s body. The rings were engagement rings, platinum and shiny, the kind of rings that Tatsuya had always wanted them to wear. Ryo had bought the rings for his lover. For them. He was planning on proposing and giving it to Tatsuya after he had come back from his so-called trip, but of course, we all know what happened there.
Ryo stared at his gravestone for seconds more and then slowly walked off towards his car, never looking back. Before starting the engine, he searched through his music player under the letter U. When he found the artist, he was looking for he searched for the song, First Love. When he found the song, he started his car and drove away. The last person he would ever say goodbye to was his lover, his first love … Ueda Tatsuya.
The END
******
Author’s Notes:
1) The words written in kanji read:
Ueda Tatsuya
─ Son, Brother, Friend, Lover ─
2) For those of you unfamiliar with the lyrics or the title of the song, First Love, it is by Utada Hikaru, which was release as a single in 1999. It sold 804.000 copies during its run on the Oricon charts. Please check it out it you have never heard of it.
*** The end of the story is a bit vauge and obsucre, I suppose, so for those of you who may not have caught on, Ryo, plans on committing suicide. That is why it reads: The last person he would ever say goodbye to ...
Bonus video for those who have never heard of the song. It's of Nishikido Ryo singing the first half of the song, First Love. Please enjoy it, I know I did!