Fix My Ego --30STM Slash--

[flintera]

Title:Fix My Ego
Author: flintera
Pairing: Jared x Shannon
Rating: NC17
Disclaimer: I own nothing, and it never happened. *waves hand* These aren’t the droids you’re looking for. . .
Warnings: Sex and incest
A/N: Kind of new to 30STM, forgive me if their personalities come out wrong. This is a giftfic for ojaganshi.

Comments

[iluisa_echelon]

i did indeed love this :)
but can i give you a little constructive criticsm?
i think you used "Jared.." & "Shannon.." a little too much
maybe if you cut down on the use of their names, it might make the fic a little more realistic, maybe "he.." instead, or something like that
eg;
"Jared ran his tongue along Shannon’s lips until he parted them then Jared (he) delved his tongue into Shannon’s mouth.
Shannon met Jared’s tongue with a little moan echoing in his throat as Jared (he) ran his hands down to his brother’s neck then down to his shoulder’s, massaging lightly.
Shannon skirted his hands up Jared’s sides making Jared (him) squirm and laugh into the kiss.
As their tongues danced, Shannon (he) tugged on Jared’s shirt, pulling it up slightly then sliding his cool hands across Jared’s (his) abdomen. Jared gasped and pulled away from Shannon (him), grabbed his shirt and pulled it off swiftly, the cool air of the room raising goose bumps on his exposed skin.
do you get what im trying to say? i mean, its nothing bad, like omg... i just thought, as an author, and me as a reader, in my opinion, the little things you could change to improve the outcome of, say.. another letocest fic!!? (wishful thinking?!?!, lol)
if you don't agree with what im sayingl, by all means, disregard everything
but at the end of the day, your effort was fantastic, and you were rewarded with sexy, hot, good humoured letocest
hope to see a lot more of your writing :)
- iLuisa ♥

[flintera]

I know I overused their names. I was just afraid that using he/him would get confusing and I didn't have a beta on this fic. I keep telling myself to go back through and adjust those. ^^'
Hmm... Your suggestions do make sense and they're not confusing.
*saves your comment with fic in word doc*
I really appreciate some good CC, thank you soo much!

[iluisa_echelon]

thats my pleasure :)
i can check over your stuff if you'd like from time to time, i dont mind at all :)
but i just thought, i'd put my two cents worth in :P
glad you didnt bite my head off, like i know some others might've, lol
♥

[flintera]

Aww, thank you for the offer!
I appreciate your two cents soo much, I shall give you a cookie! lol ^.~

And, I would never get mad at someone who's only trying to help me. I really appreciate the suggestions that help to make my writing better, especially since I hope to one day get my original story published ^^

Thank you again for your comment!! ♥ ♥

[iluisa_echelon]

no worries at all, like i said, i was only trying to help :)
glad it worked, lol
and good luck with your original..
do you mind me asking what its about?

[flintera]

I'd like to call it scifi, but it might be more fantasy.
I have chapters 1-16 up on my deviantART account.
Here's the summary I use:
Crystal Life
A girl rejected by those around her and misunderstood, joins her nation's military. She feels welcome there and at home amongst the trained warriors. She makes friends....that betray her. She becomes the test subject of the military, her and thirteen others become "Crystal Soldiers", ruled by amulets forced upon them by their commanding officers, they now tread the line between human and not, life and death.
For each time they do "Die", do they lose a part of themselves?
Join Zodiac as she attempts to take back her life and free the others from their possession, not just to save themselves, but the inocent people they are meant to kill with their newfound skills.

And just in case you're interested? Chapter 1!!
I used to have a beta for it, but then she ended up moving away and got all tied up in school. Thus, I'm sure CL needs a little revamping too. lol ^^''

[iluisa_echelon]

ooo, sounds exciting!
i shall go and read those chapters after my exams are done, so i dont get all, arrrgh, distracted :P
have a nice day :)
im off to bed, study study study, lol
♥

[flintera]

lol, I know the feeling.
Good luck with your studies!!
You have a good day too! =D