(no subject)
How can you mix depression and joy together? How can you be both at the same time? Of course you can be bi-polar, and be manic and happy one day and depressed the next, but this is different.
I feel so trapped. Lost. I want to live, but i can't. In some ways i feel the best i've ever felt, but of course i can't enjoy it, can't take advantage of it. Isn't that ironic? For the first time you actually feel good, and you can't enjoy it. So many possibilities that mean nothing yet so much to me, if only because it can define not who i am, but who i have always wanted to be. I could have it, it's there, and i hold back, thinking.
And i feel terrible that i feel all these things - that i feel this way about myself, that i feel this way about my situation, my life. It's not fair to anyone. ha, i feel terrible that i feel good, isn't that the way it always goes. But then i sit back and look again. Does this mean i am becoming what i have always loathed? Purely in mentality, not in physicality, but still! Isn't that enough? And i know. I understand. I know and can tell you exactly why i feel this, why i do this and what it means. I can and have psychoanalysed myself. But that means nothing in a way. It would sound like an excuse should i articulate it. Because no-one understands, and no-one, i fear, ever can.
And soon i return to Canada.
And everyone knows it.
And soon they too will leave.
And everyone knows it.
And they all ask, why did i waste it?
And i stay silent.
And they call me a fool.
And they are all right.
And i was wrong.
And everyone knows it.
I feel so trapped. Lost. I want to live, but i can't. In some ways i feel the best i've ever felt, but of course i can't enjoy it, can't take advantage of it. Isn't that ironic? For the first time you actually feel good, and you can't enjoy it. So many possibilities that mean nothing yet so much to me, if only because it can define not who i am, but who i have always wanted to be. I could have it, it's there, and i hold back, thinking.
And i feel terrible that i feel all these things - that i feel this way about myself, that i feel this way about my situation, my life. It's not fair to anyone. ha, i feel terrible that i feel good, isn't that the way it always goes. But then i sit back and look again. Does this mean i am becoming what i have always loathed? Purely in mentality, not in physicality, but still! Isn't that enough? And i know. I understand. I know and can tell you exactly why i feel this, why i do this and what it means. I can and have psychoanalysed myself. But that means nothing in a way. It would sound like an excuse should i articulate it. Because no-one understands, and no-one, i fear, ever can.
And soon i return to Canada.
And everyone knows it.
And soon they too will leave.
And everyone knows it.
And they all ask, why did i waste it?
And i stay silent.
And they call me a fool.
And they are all right.
And i was wrong.
And everyone knows it.