when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, i hope you dance
so, i've been a hermit the past 5 days or so...yeah, my first week was less than stellar. to say the least. i didn't go out. didn't even hang out with friends. i stayed on campus, in my apartment, and studied. like those stereotypical nerds w/ 3 inch glasses who hasn't seen the light of day for oh so long. i stayed inside and studied...while everyone else went out and partied. FAN partied. fan, who never ever went to parties first semester last year and only went to a few last semester. and i studied. and as a result of studying, i haven't met any new ppl. i don't know my suite mates that well - or as well as i would've liked considering i skipped out on all the clubbing and partying last week. and i've thrown my anger and frustration all towards daniel. during my time w/ him...which was basically every day. all because my chem professor sucks at teaching and i am utterly lost. and after a week of classes, i still don't know my schedule for the semester.
even now, when i'd like to believe i'm all better and fine and no longer the dark and dreary and pessimistic felice - i still go through roller coasters. everything's not working out and i don't believe i've ever been this frustrated my entire life. but after tears and breakdowns, for now (and tonight), i am normal. a sliver of me. and i have some confidence and courage back. i can do this. i can fucking do this. bc i'm suddenly reminded that there are ppl out there who care for me and remember that i'm alive. and i know it's by coincidence that w/i a span of 4 hours, i've talked to so many friends - going way back to casti or just to last yr.
random ims from three different people who i haven't seen in years, a summer etc. a phone call from a long time friend who i haven't seen in a week. running into an old floormate, and reminding me of our lunch date sometime in the future. and an unexpected visit by my RA last year just to see how i was doing and to offer reassurance that he's there if i ever need chem help.
i also love how i just realized that all my roller coasterness might be bc i'm pmsing. we'll see.
even now, when i'd like to believe i'm all better and fine and no longer the dark and dreary and pessimistic felice - i still go through roller coasters. everything's not working out and i don't believe i've ever been this frustrated my entire life. but after tears and breakdowns, for now (and tonight), i am normal. a sliver of me. and i have some confidence and courage back. i can do this. i can fucking do this. bc i'm suddenly reminded that there are ppl out there who care for me and remember that i'm alive. and i know it's by coincidence that w/i a span of 4 hours, i've talked to so many friends - going way back to casti or just to last yr.
random ims from three different people who i haven't seen in years, a summer etc. a phone call from a long time friend who i haven't seen in a week. running into an old floormate, and reminding me of our lunch date sometime in the future. and an unexpected visit by my RA last year just to see how i was doing and to offer reassurance that he's there if i ever need chem help.
i also love how i just realized that all my roller coasterness might be bc i'm pmsing. we'll see.