11 hr flights have turned me into this...
just read everyone's lj from the past month and oh, how many things have happened since i've been gone. it's weird to be back in california - i feel as if i've been gone forever and hence detached from everyone? i don't know what's going on with my friends. i don't even know who's out for the summer and who's not. or if everyone's out by now. i feel so lost in so many ways...i wonder if i'm going to be living in the past?
i guess at the end of senior year i was 100% positive that in college i would find my group just like in high school. even if it wasn't as big as a group - i was so sure that i would find at least some people i click with - a group, the gang. needless to say i haven't. i don't know if i ever will. don't even think i have friends. i don't know anymore. what are friends?
scratch that. i know i have friends...individual friends. i don't have a group where everyone clicks and it just works. the groups seem to be so...divided or uneven. where you're only loosely connected to this group bc of one or two people and w/o them, well...you're not quite in the group. or really, the "group" really isn't a group bc person A and B don't get along and lots of sniping and gossiping occur. and somehow, even having individual friends all over the place is a lonely situation.
it's all confusing and weird. and i feel like such a loser now because it seems everyone at least somehow or another has a group. and i don't. or at least, starting next year - they have some sort of foundation to work from. i don't. everyone's living with people they know/are friends with. what am i doing? i'm basically starting all over again. i don't know who i'm living with; i'm living in the dorms again. everyone i know is living elsewhere - and they're living with people they know.
i guess it all boils down to the fact that i'm scared.
i'm scared that friends will become acquaintances bc of living situations.
i'm scared that i won't find my group in college.
i'm scared that i will lose touch w/ my group of closest friends.
i guess i'm scared that i'm all alone.
i don't care what everyone else thinks - katrina, daniel, phil...that i know a lot of people. truth is - i know them...but i don't have my group.
and maybe that's what i crave most.
and i guess i'm scared that daniel's become such a close friend - and maybe that's all i got. and that's a hell of a risk i'm taking...
oh how things have changed w/i the past yr...
i guess at the end of senior year i was 100% positive that in college i would find my group just like in high school. even if it wasn't as big as a group - i was so sure that i would find at least some people i click with - a group, the gang. needless to say i haven't. i don't know if i ever will. don't even think i have friends. i don't know anymore. what are friends?
scratch that. i know i have friends...individual friends. i don't have a group where everyone clicks and it just works. the groups seem to be so...divided or uneven. where you're only loosely connected to this group bc of one or two people and w/o them, well...you're not quite in the group. or really, the "group" really isn't a group bc person A and B don't get along and lots of sniping and gossiping occur. and somehow, even having individual friends all over the place is a lonely situation.
it's all confusing and weird. and i feel like such a loser now because it seems everyone at least somehow or another has a group. and i don't. or at least, starting next year - they have some sort of foundation to work from. i don't. everyone's living with people they know/are friends with. what am i doing? i'm basically starting all over again. i don't know who i'm living with; i'm living in the dorms again. everyone i know is living elsewhere - and they're living with people they know.
i guess it all boils down to the fact that i'm scared.
i'm scared that friends will become acquaintances bc of living situations.
i'm scared that i won't find my group in college.
i'm scared that i will lose touch w/ my group of closest friends.
i guess i'm scared that i'm all alone.
i don't care what everyone else thinks - katrina, daniel, phil...that i know a lot of people. truth is - i know them...but i don't have my group.
and maybe that's what i crave most.
and i guess i'm scared that daniel's become such a close friend - and maybe that's all i got. and that's a hell of a risk i'm taking...
oh how things have changed w/i the past yr...