undefined thoughts
i sit here on a friday evening. running on 4 hours of sleep. after classes. after my meeting with my professor. 100 pages of reading done and over with. 3 astro labs written up and turned in. and i sit here in my room. just thinking. about absolutely nothing. but it's dark. the only source of light from a small desk lamp. it's warm. cozy. green day is playing in my ears. and outside, the sun is setting. and...i feel separated somehow. in a good way.
i'm feeling something. thta's all i know. and i'm thinking of something. but it's all a blur. and the more i try to think about it - to pinpoint it, the more i come up empty handed. i don't know what i'm expecting. subconsciously or not. regardless, there's that feeling that something's going to happen. a good thing. or maybe it's just my optimism and hope. but what am i hoping for? i don't know. do i want something to hope for? i think of the possibilities: good companY? if so, what? a best friend? a boyfriend? a friend? maybe an acquaintance? solitude? so what is it that i want now? i see images, scenarios and yet i can't define them. it's all ambiguous and surreal: what i want, who i am, what i do, my thoughts and feelings...
eg. i saw him today. and i bolted. don't know why. and i know the next time i see him or run into him, we'll chat. i'll want to chat. and i'll want to hang out. i want to run into him right now. hang out. so why did i run? ah, who knows what will happen.
i have friends: close friends, friends i can have fun with, friends who i can hold great conversation with, friends who understand, and friends who can put a smile to my face without knowing it. and there are acquaintances who i want to know better. friends who i want to be better friends with. acquaintances and friends who i want to see more often.
i'm fine without a boyfriend. i don't NEED one. and i'm not so sure i want one either right now. surprisingly enough. dating seems more appropriate. more appealing. it's the process of getting to know the person. the little things. the awkwardness. it's...exciting. something new.
i've taken on a whole new view on guys. thanks to this one guy. funny how he will never know it. or perhaps he will. that's another thing - just because things don't work out now, does it mean that nothing will happen later on? and i know the answer is no. but sometimes, it just doesn't seem that way.
i'm not going to make the same mistake twice.
i'm feeling something. thta's all i know. and i'm thinking of something. but it's all a blur. and the more i try to think about it - to pinpoint it, the more i come up empty handed. i don't know what i'm expecting. subconsciously or not. regardless, there's that feeling that something's going to happen. a good thing. or maybe it's just my optimism and hope. but what am i hoping for? i don't know. do i want something to hope for? i think of the possibilities: good companY? if so, what? a best friend? a boyfriend? a friend? maybe an acquaintance? solitude? so what is it that i want now? i see images, scenarios and yet i can't define them. it's all ambiguous and surreal: what i want, who i am, what i do, my thoughts and feelings...
eg. i saw him today. and i bolted. don't know why. and i know the next time i see him or run into him, we'll chat. i'll want to chat. and i'll want to hang out. i want to run into him right now. hang out. so why did i run? ah, who knows what will happen.
i have friends: close friends, friends i can have fun with, friends who i can hold great conversation with, friends who understand, and friends who can put a smile to my face without knowing it. and there are acquaintances who i want to know better. friends who i want to be better friends with. acquaintances and friends who i want to see more often.
i'm fine without a boyfriend. i don't NEED one. and i'm not so sure i want one either right now. surprisingly enough. dating seems more appropriate. more appealing. it's the process of getting to know the person. the little things. the awkwardness. it's...exciting. something new.
i've taken on a whole new view on guys. thanks to this one guy. funny how he will never know it. or perhaps he will. that's another thing - just because things don't work out now, does it mean that nothing will happen later on? and i know the answer is no. but sometimes, it just doesn't seem that way.
i'm not going to make the same mistake twice.