clean up very nicely.
i realized today how weird when it comes to death. for some reason or another i never know how exactly to feel or react when someone i know dies. i think its moreso that i have trouble taking it personal when someone does die, not that- that's what its about, but it almost seems like the most common response when someone does die.
my uncle died yesterday. he had a heart attack in his bathroom. he was my mom's closest brother. he had two kids, one eleven and the other sixteen with one grand child (yeah the sixteen year old has a child). he was probably my closest relative outside of my immediate family, even though we are not close to any relatives on either side. i feel guilty not having the chance to see/talk to him before this happened, let alone at all really since i babysat his kids for awhile when i was fourteen.
i feel mostly upset for my mother. i had lunch with my dad today, and he was explaining to me how they had just left a friends house a mile away not five minutes after my aunt found him dead in the bathroom. they arrived right as the coroner was zipping my uncle alive. my dad said my mom started beating on my uncle's chest telling him to wake up. which obviously breaks my heart. i talked to her briefly on the phone tonight, to figure out when the funeral is, and how she is holding up. she was so out of it, and i could hear in her voice how distraught she was. i'm trying to figure out what i should do about the funeral. apparently a lot of the younger relatives are not going to be attending the funeral, due to what a big shock this is. i'd love to go to support the family, and mostly my mom but i can't imagine how uncomfortable i will be in a situation like this. despite the fact that this is not about me at all, i know how utterly uncomfortable i was at my moms mom's funeral a month or so ago. seeing all of the family that we pretty much ignore all together, and getting "reacquainted". getting stared at by all of the family i don't know and feeling my anxiety kick in with all of the commotion and attention. ontop of all that, my sister is in iowa and i'm almost positive she is not coming out for the funeral, so i would have no safety net like last time to cling onto. what a horrible father's day for my moms dad, whom she recently is becoming reacquainted with post-his wife's funeral. today was supposed to be a big family celebration for his birthday/ father's day.
i have a headache trying to grasp this whole entire situation, so i'd like to move on.
i am slowly sorting out where i might end up in the fall. i'm starting to think it might be chicago. it seems so much less complicated, and it's starting to seem like someone might not want me to come with them anymore. i'd get to live with anthony again which would be awesome.
everything has slowly been spilling out. i think this little trip might get everything out in the open, but i'm really nervous. i got some of the clarity i needed, but not quite as much as i wanted.
sorry everything is so cryptic, i just feel better keeping it that way.
my uncle died yesterday. he had a heart attack in his bathroom. he was my mom's closest brother. he had two kids, one eleven and the other sixteen with one grand child (yeah the sixteen year old has a child). he was probably my closest relative outside of my immediate family, even though we are not close to any relatives on either side. i feel guilty not having the chance to see/talk to him before this happened, let alone at all really since i babysat his kids for awhile when i was fourteen.
i feel mostly upset for my mother. i had lunch with my dad today, and he was explaining to me how they had just left a friends house a mile away not five minutes after my aunt found him dead in the bathroom. they arrived right as the coroner was zipping my uncle alive. my dad said my mom started beating on my uncle's chest telling him to wake up. which obviously breaks my heart. i talked to her briefly on the phone tonight, to figure out when the funeral is, and how she is holding up. she was so out of it, and i could hear in her voice how distraught she was. i'm trying to figure out what i should do about the funeral. apparently a lot of the younger relatives are not going to be attending the funeral, due to what a big shock this is. i'd love to go to support the family, and mostly my mom but i can't imagine how uncomfortable i will be in a situation like this. despite the fact that this is not about me at all, i know how utterly uncomfortable i was at my moms mom's funeral a month or so ago. seeing all of the family that we pretty much ignore all together, and getting "reacquainted". getting stared at by all of the family i don't know and feeling my anxiety kick in with all of the commotion and attention. ontop of all that, my sister is in iowa and i'm almost positive she is not coming out for the funeral, so i would have no safety net like last time to cling onto. what a horrible father's day for my moms dad, whom she recently is becoming reacquainted with post-his wife's funeral. today was supposed to be a big family celebration for his birthday/ father's day.
i have a headache trying to grasp this whole entire situation, so i'd like to move on.
i am slowly sorting out where i might end up in the fall. i'm starting to think it might be chicago. it seems so much less complicated, and it's starting to seem like someone might not want me to come with them anymore. i'd get to live with anthony again which would be awesome.
everything has slowly been spilling out. i think this little trip might get everything out in the open, but i'm really nervous. i got some of the clarity i needed, but not quite as much as i wanted.
sorry everything is so cryptic, i just feel better keeping it that way.