...i dont want to be anything other than me...

[flig]

im so bored...lol ive been up since like 9 this morning! ahh! well anyway, yesterday i was cleaning out my closet. i rearranged all my shoes, went through all of my birthday cards from the last few years, and found all of my journals from like 5th grade and middle school and the one even went up to last year like half way through. umm...i realized how big of a dork i was. they are all about how many fights that i had with amanda and how i called like every girl a slut and i even said in one of them that i HATED jaira! lol like 7th grade or something?? haha its totally not that way now...but it was so weird. every entry was about a new fight that i had with amanda. it was so weird. and it wasnt even about me at all, a little (basically how i was mad at my mom or my dad and amanda and nina and my sister and like everyone on the face of the earth. i think the only person i didnt get mad at in it was my dog...) but it was all about how amanda did this and how emily did this. i mean a lot of it was about how we went to the waterfront and had a fun time or we went to sandcastle and had an awesome time...but that was it. like back in my 5th grade one, i talked about how i had the biggest crushes on Brett, or Tony, or Russell and Careys parties and even Ashlees party and how much fun i had. its so weird. and then it goes to the 6th grade one and its all about how much i hate school and how much i hate amanda and how much i call people sluts! haha but wow was i a loser. i think that i need to buy a new journal and start it and actually talk about my life other than other peoples cuz that just sucks! ahhh! it makes me mad right now to know that i wasted 2 whole journals basically on the fact that i was all like "maybe me and Amanda arent meant to be friends or something" and now we arent... its so weird. i still feel weird not talking to her and not going down her house and her being up here baking cookies. we had so many bad times, but there were a lot of good times too. i know if i would have just appoligized for that something that i didnt do, everything would be okay. but i dont want to appoligize. i spent half of my life saying im sorry to her and i got sick of it. i never even did anything half of the time, but Amanda had to be Amanda and need everything her way and need everything to always be about her. i cant say its still like that, and i cant say its not. i cant say anything about her anymore. i dont know her, and i dont know erica and they dont talk to me very much. sam i know i can trust with a heaping pile of shit and nothing else. she lied to me and caused a whole bunch of problems and i dont know...confused...messed up...still angry at amanda for no apparent reason. i like need to go buy a new journal...i mean i love doing this but it kinda sucks... well im going to go and do homework in case i go out later to Angels...woohoo! haha well
-peace..