Thoughts and Feelings
Well, I've successfully wasted the past hour and a half or more, so writing this post feels slightly strange now. First, let me say, it's been a whole year, as in exactly to the day since I last posted, which is somewhat freaky as it's completely unintentional - however I do realise that the reason for the post is the same as last year's (though nothing to do with anything obviously year-ticking-over-related) so it's not surprising!
I am the sort of person who is almost always on the go in some form or other, and even when doing things that require little effort there is usually something else going on - when driving, as I seem to spend a lot of time doing, you do need to concentrate somewhat, and at slow work shifts (or any other slack period in my life!) I can often knock over large chunks of YSA paperwork. It was a bit strange tonight therefore to be driven down the coast to my gig (I bumped out Le Grande Cirque at the GCCEC, pretty big bumpout but not terribly nasty thank goodness) by my wonderful boss who often drives a mini-bus when there are a bunch of Brisbaneites going - I have just never had the opportunity to take up the offer before. I had a whole hour there and back again with nothing but my thouhgts, and crowding my brain out of peace they are at the moment too. Lordee, I wish Han hadn't left town again yet.
Anyway, I was dropped home from the gig at about 3.30am and after walking up the hill home decided that I was feeling rather restless. Although I am very much an outdoors person and a complete night owl it feels like forever since I've just left the house and lay down in the road looking at the stars. I had realised but not to the full extent just what a perfect position our current house is in, at the top of the hill behind Milton Primary looking out over the City and south towards Logan - you can see an impressively long way! Last night my brain was comparing the view to that from Mt Coot-tha, except that you're not so removed from everything, you actually get the distant traffic and other night-time noises. There are also more stars than expected, I guess because although you are looking down over civilisation and the hub of the city you are far enough removed from it that the stars come through that bit more. It occurred to me how much things have changed over the past few years (as I also had pointed out to me when cleaning out my childhood bedroom at my parents' house over Christmas, I found many an interesting letter in an old desk!) and how little 'time' I have these days. I'm sure I often used to wander outside at night, with company or by myself, to look at the sky or just wander aimlessly in the comfortable, enveloping darkness.
Anyway, now I'm drifting and losing the original intention to this writing and the point behind it - I'm assuming that there was a point when I started. I basically was sitting out there under the stars, alone with my thoughts, and it occurred to me that i wanted to write them down. I'm wondering why that is, since I was only thinking recently about the fact that I haven't kept a paper diary since I broke up with Toby, just over 4 years ago now. I only ever took up LJ as a way to keep in contact with people, and always was very bad at the writing part (that pretty much died after I broke up with Toby) - I read it regularly still, don't worry! I just don't feel the need, I don't have random urges to empty my head onto paper anymore. My head is no longer full of uncomfortable buzzes that I need to evict. Except today. Or I should say this week, but today particularly.
Arrgh, fuck. I don't know why I even let it get to me. Just... You know how some people are like an itch that just needs to be scratched? You know you really shouldn't, you know what the end result will be, but it just feels so damn GOOD, and as long as you scratch around the bite and not the bite itself it should be ok... Sorry, I'm not making any sense to anyone. I'm happy, damnit, there's no need to go fucking with it for nothing. So why? Human nature, I suppose. In that case, I wish I wasn't. Just for now. Damnit. I'm gonna go force myself to sleep for a bit, I'm feeling very nonsensible. Thanks for viewing, please come again!
I am the sort of person who is almost always on the go in some form or other, and even when doing things that require little effort there is usually something else going on - when driving, as I seem to spend a lot of time doing, you do need to concentrate somewhat, and at slow work shifts (or any other slack period in my life!) I can often knock over large chunks of YSA paperwork. It was a bit strange tonight therefore to be driven down the coast to my gig (I bumped out Le Grande Cirque at the GCCEC, pretty big bumpout but not terribly nasty thank goodness) by my wonderful boss who often drives a mini-bus when there are a bunch of Brisbaneites going - I have just never had the opportunity to take up the offer before. I had a whole hour there and back again with nothing but my thouhgts, and crowding my brain out of peace they are at the moment too. Lordee, I wish Han hadn't left town again yet.
Anyway, I was dropped home from the gig at about 3.30am and after walking up the hill home decided that I was feeling rather restless. Although I am very much an outdoors person and a complete night owl it feels like forever since I've just left the house and lay down in the road looking at the stars. I had realised but not to the full extent just what a perfect position our current house is in, at the top of the hill behind Milton Primary looking out over the City and south towards Logan - you can see an impressively long way! Last night my brain was comparing the view to that from Mt Coot-tha, except that you're not so removed from everything, you actually get the distant traffic and other night-time noises. There are also more stars than expected, I guess because although you are looking down over civilisation and the hub of the city you are far enough removed from it that the stars come through that bit more. It occurred to me how much things have changed over the past few years (as I also had pointed out to me when cleaning out my childhood bedroom at my parents' house over Christmas, I found many an interesting letter in an old desk!) and how little 'time' I have these days. I'm sure I often used to wander outside at night, with company or by myself, to look at the sky or just wander aimlessly in the comfortable, enveloping darkness.
Anyway, now I'm drifting and losing the original intention to this writing and the point behind it - I'm assuming that there was a point when I started. I basically was sitting out there under the stars, alone with my thoughts, and it occurred to me that i wanted to write them down. I'm wondering why that is, since I was only thinking recently about the fact that I haven't kept a paper diary since I broke up with Toby, just over 4 years ago now. I only ever took up LJ as a way to keep in contact with people, and always was very bad at the writing part (that pretty much died after I broke up with Toby) - I read it regularly still, don't worry! I just don't feel the need, I don't have random urges to empty my head onto paper anymore. My head is no longer full of uncomfortable buzzes that I need to evict. Except today. Or I should say this week, but today particularly.
Arrgh, fuck. I don't know why I even let it get to me. Just... You know how some people are like an itch that just needs to be scratched? You know you really shouldn't, you know what the end result will be, but it just feels so damn GOOD, and as long as you scratch around the bite and not the bite itself it should be ok... Sorry, I'm not making any sense to anyone. I'm happy, damnit, there's no need to go fucking with it for nothing. So why? Human nature, I suppose. In that case, I wish I wasn't. Just for now. Damnit. I'm gonna go force myself to sleep for a bit, I'm feeling very nonsensible. Thanks for viewing, please come again!