(no subject)
Apologies, if this actually gets posted publicly - I haven't decided yet, as I'm really not sure if I want other people involved in this part of my headspace. This is going to be very disjointed, a random accuulation of thoughts I've had recently, some of which have seen me pull the car over in order to scrabble around for writing materials just so I can get rid of the thoughts somewhat cohesively and concentrate on making it home.
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People tend to see me as a very strong person. No strong-willed, or dominant, but an inner strength. I laugh at the idea, though I guess it probably is true in some respects. I guess to everyone else I tried to make a go of it, I gave my all to keep it working against all odds. I always thought though, if I really was as strong as people thought, why didn't I walk out? To my way of thinking it was taking the easy way out to just sit there in the situation I was in and not extricate myself, when even I could see that it was a bad place for me to be. I tried once or twice, or half a dozen times, but could never stay away. Weakness. Pathetic, weak, obsessed little girl. Whether it was love at some stage or not, or still is somehow, it consistently amazes me that I didn't or couldn't crawl away sooner. I hated the person that I became while I was with him, how could I have possibly put up with it, hating variously him and myself for so long. I never really hated any of the others involved, as much as it hurt to see or be otherwise reminded of them.
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I'm sure he doesn't realise how fragile I am. If this relationship does anything but fall apart naturally, I will be ruined. I'm sure I'll never be able to even look at another and seriouslly consider anything. I already have severe trust issues. I'm not sure what I expected, throwing myself in like I have done. I'm certainly not sure that I expected it to turn into the deep, intense, passionate relationship that it's become. I'm not sure if it's wonderful, which don't get me wrong it most certainly is, or if it scares me more. I just don't know. I think I love him already though, and that does scare me a bit.
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Looking back I'm not sure I know what the hell happened with the Toby thing, in almost any repect. It's funny, for someone that I loved as much as I did, I never could say anything that I actually liked about him. People would ask me, and I wouldn't know what to say. With Will, I love so many individual characteristics, it's incredible.. What does that mean? Does it mean anything?
******
People tend to see me as a very strong person. No strong-willed, or dominant, but an inner strength. I laugh at the idea, though I guess it probably is true in some respects. I guess to everyone else I tried to make a go of it, I gave my all to keep it working against all odds. I always thought though, if I really was as strong as people thought, why didn't I walk out? To my way of thinking it was taking the easy way out to just sit there in the situation I was in and not extricate myself, when even I could see that it was a bad place for me to be. I tried once or twice, or half a dozen times, but could never stay away. Weakness. Pathetic, weak, obsessed little girl. Whether it was love at some stage or not, or still is somehow, it consistently amazes me that I didn't or couldn't crawl away sooner. I hated the person that I became while I was with him, how could I have possibly put up with it, hating variously him and myself for so long. I never really hated any of the others involved, as much as it hurt to see or be otherwise reminded of them.
******
I'm sure he doesn't realise how fragile I am. If this relationship does anything but fall apart naturally, I will be ruined. I'm sure I'll never be able to even look at another and seriouslly consider anything. I already have severe trust issues. I'm not sure what I expected, throwing myself in like I have done. I'm certainly not sure that I expected it to turn into the deep, intense, passionate relationship that it's become. I'm not sure if it's wonderful, which don't get me wrong it most certainly is, or if it scares me more. I just don't know. I think I love him already though, and that does scare me a bit.
******
Looking back I'm not sure I know what the hell happened with the Toby thing, in almost any repect. It's funny, for someone that I loved as much as I did, I never could say anything that I actually liked about him. People would ask me, and I wouldn't know what to say. With Will, I love so many individual characteristics, it's incredible.. What does that mean? Does it mean anything?