A little note from me
I feel guilty. Like seriously guilty. But I can't change the way I do and don't feel. If I had never been in love before, if I had never been heart over head over heels, if I had never had those can't live without you feelings, I could have made it. But unfortunately, I have and a relationship without them now is a sham. I love him, but I'm not in love with him and don't think I ever will be as after all these years I have never had that inkling. If I didn't know what those real feelings were like, I could've fooled myself into thinking that what I felt was the real thing. But, deep down I knew that what I felt was a deep friendship with some nice benefits. My bad for getting confused, but in my defense, I never meant to hurt anyone, and that definitely effected many of my decisions.
From the beginning I said slow and no promises. The slow part was skipped but I do remember some promises, although I remember them being one-sided. There was a reason why I kept saying no and refusing to get anywhere near a serious relationship - I didn't want to hurt anyone. I was hurting and there is no point in making anyone hurt like that. But hurts do heal, and healing turns to happy feelings, which turns into a want for a rebound, and that rebound may look awfully good, but the crappy thing for the rebound person is that rebound relationships aren't meant to last, and the funny thing about them is, you never really realize they were your rebound until they are over. Well, at least I don't. Guess I'm just a sucker who reads to many romance novels and for some odd reason thinks that love is something that comes easy idk.
At the moment I'm not to happy with myself, but I still think that I made the decision that is better in the long run as I would've hurt him even more than I currently have. It sucks how we always hurt the ones we care about the most. I never meant for this to happen exactly, and hoped that the future was long and bright, but that was the optimist talking. The realist knew it all along, but was rather enjoying being in a relationship where she was cared about and really did enjoy as the person seriously just makes her happy, so naturally, the optimist won that one. My bad for listening to the optimist. I'll try to watch that next time.
(Now on to chewing you out because I could never say it to your face and am to lazy to type a seperate email and I know you'll read this eventually) You haven't exactly made this easy on me Ben Wagoner, and I sure as hell didn't get out of this one squeaky clean myself. You think it's to watch you hurt? To hear about your hurt? Quite frankly several of your texts had some bite to them and that was a little hard to swallow as I've never had to deal with that from you. Guess I don't blame you for that really- just saying. Your note made me almost break out into tears which in turn made me mad because you knew I was heading into work and didn't need to take our problems in there with me. I don't really know what your intentions were with it therefore I'm not exactly sure how to respond except with this - I am not anti-laundry, I just find it hard to do without a washer and dryer. Capiche? Lay off my cleaning habits would you? You seriously should've figured out a long time ago that I live in a state of controlled mess, its like my brain in the form of a house.
I need sleep which is why this post is getting more and more pissy sounding as I go and I apologize because it is undeserved. Well, all except for the laundry thing and you know you deserve that one.
Too wrap this up - I'm sorry and I feel like a big-time loser.
From the beginning I said slow and no promises. The slow part was skipped but I do remember some promises, although I remember them being one-sided. There was a reason why I kept saying no and refusing to get anywhere near a serious relationship - I didn't want to hurt anyone. I was hurting and there is no point in making anyone hurt like that. But hurts do heal, and healing turns to happy feelings, which turns into a want for a rebound, and that rebound may look awfully good, but the crappy thing for the rebound person is that rebound relationships aren't meant to last, and the funny thing about them is, you never really realize they were your rebound until they are over. Well, at least I don't. Guess I'm just a sucker who reads to many romance novels and for some odd reason thinks that love is something that comes easy idk.
At the moment I'm not to happy with myself, but I still think that I made the decision that is better in the long run as I would've hurt him even more than I currently have. It sucks how we always hurt the ones we care about the most. I never meant for this to happen exactly, and hoped that the future was long and bright, but that was the optimist talking. The realist knew it all along, but was rather enjoying being in a relationship where she was cared about and really did enjoy as the person seriously just makes her happy, so naturally, the optimist won that one. My bad for listening to the optimist. I'll try to watch that next time.
(Now on to chewing you out because I could never say it to your face and am to lazy to type a seperate email and I know you'll read this eventually) You haven't exactly made this easy on me Ben Wagoner, and I sure as hell didn't get out of this one squeaky clean myself. You think it's to watch you hurt? To hear about your hurt? Quite frankly several of your texts had some bite to them and that was a little hard to swallow as I've never had to deal with that from you. Guess I don't blame you for that really- just saying. Your note made me almost break out into tears which in turn made me mad because you knew I was heading into work and didn't need to take our problems in there with me. I don't really know what your intentions were with it therefore I'm not exactly sure how to respond except with this - I am not anti-laundry, I just find it hard to do without a washer and dryer. Capiche? Lay off my cleaning habits would you? You seriously should've figured out a long time ago that I live in a state of controlled mess, its like my brain in the form of a house.
I need sleep which is why this post is getting more and more pissy sounding as I go and I apologize because it is undeserved. Well, all except for the laundry thing and you know you deserve that one.
Too wrap this up - I'm sorry and I feel like a big-time loser.