the tick tock of the clock is painful all sane and
logical i wanna TeAr It oFf tHe WaLL
I had another dream that i was being questioned by some dude if i was a being beaten by my husband so a ran off to watch a video clip of two people dancing. the woman was wearing a tattered dress with large holes and the guy was overly happy and clean. they both smiled.
but thats besides the point.
id like to say something in my little sanctuary of a journal, that i know only 4 people read. im stuck in a cycle of procrastination and sloth and my brain wants me dead. I am never pleased with myself and on a whole i hate myself. i dont want consolation i dont want pity. i just wish that i could prevent ohter peole from being like this. having to choose your own path and find your own way.
the problem is choice
if i didnt choose anything i would be fine. a clear future is better than the half assed one i know im going to recieve, the life of usefulness is going to be excecuted by so many others, but not me.
nobody wants to hear me complain about my grades, especially andrew. i thought i could confide in someone and tell them what is really bugging me all the time and they could do the same. but he doesnt want to hear it . he wants me to bury it, he wants the sugar coated version of me.
whats underneath is a disgusting lost empty hollow and removed self waiting to be saved.
i try to help others with what i have left, but i wish i could end this. i honestly do. theres so many people out there that will be pediatricians and nurses. then theres the line" but there are so many people that you have touched, you cant abandon them... think of them!" its those same people that are stopping me from doing it because i dont want to see them hurt. they alone tie me to this life.
and yes im a coward, and yes i hate this wretched life and oh yes, i know i dont have it that bad and i should be thankful for the billionth time. but no matter how fucked up other people are, i can still be mentally disturbed and have a right to want out.
people will never change there will always be hate. i cant relate to that. i cant hate.there will always be competion for knowlege. im trying i really am but this rut has taken hold of me. the fates are a sick bastards who wont help me. i want out. i dont fit in. dont belong here. i dont think im better, i think im not needed.its only because ive met you, lock me away and youd be the same....
ps ignore all that im just talking out of frustration
JESUS ROCKS!
I had another dream that i was being questioned by some dude if i was a being beaten by my husband so a ran off to watch a video clip of two people dancing. the woman was wearing a tattered dress with large holes and the guy was overly happy and clean. they both smiled.
but thats besides the point.
id like to say something in my little sanctuary of a journal, that i know only 4 people read. im stuck in a cycle of procrastination and sloth and my brain wants me dead. I am never pleased with myself and on a whole i hate myself. i dont want consolation i dont want pity. i just wish that i could prevent ohter peole from being like this. having to choose your own path and find your own way.
the problem is choice
if i didnt choose anything i would be fine. a clear future is better than the half assed one i know im going to recieve, the life of usefulness is going to be excecuted by so many others, but not me.
nobody wants to hear me complain about my grades, especially andrew. i thought i could confide in someone and tell them what is really bugging me all the time and they could do the same. but he doesnt want to hear it . he wants me to bury it, he wants the sugar coated version of me.
whats underneath is a disgusting lost empty hollow and removed self waiting to be saved.
i try to help others with what i have left, but i wish i could end this. i honestly do. theres so many people out there that will be pediatricians and nurses. then theres the line" but there are so many people that you have touched, you cant abandon them... think of them!" its those same people that are stopping me from doing it because i dont want to see them hurt. they alone tie me to this life.
and yes im a coward, and yes i hate this wretched life and oh yes, i know i dont have it that bad and i should be thankful for the billionth time. but no matter how fucked up other people are, i can still be mentally disturbed and have a right to want out.
people will never change there will always be hate. i cant relate to that. i cant hate.there will always be competion for knowlege. im trying i really am but this rut has taken hold of me. the fates are a sick bastards who wont help me. i want out. i dont fit in. dont belong here. i dont think im better, i think im not needed.its only because ive met you, lock me away and youd be the same....
ps ignore all that im just talking out of frustration
JESUS ROCKS!