White Blank Page, Volume Three
Warning: Set several weeks after episode 4.7 left off. If you’re not into spoilers, you’ll probably want to wait to read it.
Disclaimer: I own nothing here and am only doing this for fun.
Author's Note: The final installment. Volume One and Volume Two.
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Matt dropped a few more shirts into the small blue suitcase that Aubrey had lent him. It had wheels and a telescoping handle, and she assured him that it would fit in the overhead bin. His stomach was churning and he felt like he had when he first stepped in for Jason Street: unprepared, incapable, and generally terrified.
“I’m sure she hates me,” said Matt, turning back to his dresser to look for his good trousers, since he knew Grandma would insist on going to church on Sunday morning.
“You know that the opposite of love is actually indifference,” replied Aubrey. She was laying sideways on Matt’s narrow twin bed, her feet up on the wall and her head hanging over the side.
“Is that what you say?”
“No. That’s what Elie Wiesel says and he won a Nobel Peace Prize, so I’m sure he knows what he’s talking about.”
“Fine. Then I’m sure she’ll be indifferent to me.” Matt flipped the suitcase closed, zipped it up, and put it on the ground. He sat down on the bed next to Aubrey.
“That’s not possible.”
“You don’t know Julie. She is her father’s daughter.”
“So don’t go home then. Stay here. I have to go to Thanksgiving dinner at my jackass uncle’s house, deep in the heart of Republican DuPage County,” she said, hauling herself up into a sitting position.
“That sounds like fun,” said Matt, rolling his eyes.
“You have no idea. Erin’s going with me. We’re going to let them think she’s my date. But, you know, it would be even better if you came along. We could educate the Christian Conservatives on the joys of polyamory,” she said, playfully elbowing him in the side, zeroing in on his most ticklish spot.
“Aubrey, you’re really weird.”
“It’s part of my charm. Why you love me.”
Matt smiled. “I wouldn’t go that far. But I’m certainly not indifferent to you.”
“I know. Now suck it up and get your ass over to Texas,” said Aubrey as she stood up and held a hand out to Matt.
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When Matt stepped into the arrivals area in Midland airport, dragging his borrowed suitcase behind him, he immediately spotted Landry. He was leaning against a wall, wearing the same green jacket he’d had for the last three years.
“Matt, good to see you. You’re looking well, that polluted Chicago air must agree with you,” said Landry as he shook Matt’s hand.
“Shut up,” replied Matt with a grin. They walked out to Landry’s car, making small talk about Matt’s flight, which had been his first time on an airplane.
When Landry started up his car, a cacophony of noise blasted out of the speakers. Matt jumped and covered his ears while Landry scrambled to turn off the CD player.
“Nice, Landry. Now I’m deaf,” grumbled Matt.
“Sorry about that.”
Matt looked out the window. Twilight was giving way to night, and he could see definite lines of buildings fading into mere suggestions.
“So, uh, how’s Julie?”
“Uh-huh. No way. Julie’s a good friend, you’re my best friend, and I’m not getting in the middle,” said Landry as he shook his head. He paused for a few beats. “But I will tell you that it’s not good.”
Matt sighed. “What does that mean?”
“Look, you’re going to have to talk to her yourself.”
“Fine....fine. How’s that girl you were seeing, Jess?”
Now it was Landry’s turn to sigh. “I don’t know. Some days, I think she’s really into me and everything’s going great. But then, other days, I get the sense that she’s not all-the-way with me, do you know what I mean?”
The rest of the ride was spent listening to Landry dissect and analyze his relationship with Jess. When he pulled into Matt’s driveway, Grandma and Shelby were waiting in the doorway before the car even stopped.
Matt thanked Landry and got out of the car. It felt good to be home.
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The day after Thanksgiving, Matt borrowed Shelby’s car and drove over to the Taylors’ house. He stood on the doorstep for several minutes, running through the possibilities of what to say. Finally, he managed to knock on the door, then took a step back and waited.
“Uh, hi, Mrs. Taylor.”
“Matt,” she replied, the surprise on her face giving way to a strained smile. “Well, this certainly is a surprise.”
“Yes ma’am. Can I see Julie?”
“Sorry, Matt, she’s out working on the Habitat house.”
“Habitat?”
“Yeah, she’s been volunteering with Habitat for Humanity for a few weeks, maybe even a month now.”
Matt looked down. “Do you, I mean, can you tell me where this house is?”
“Oh, over there on the east side of town. I think it’s one of those streets named after flowers.”
“Thank you. And Mrs. Taylor, I’m sorry... for the way I left.”
“You don’t need to apologize to me,” she said, somehow managing to combine steel and warmth in a way that only Mrs. Coach could manage. Matt gave her a weak smile and headed back to the car.
He drove over to the east side, then spent a few minutes trying to find the place. It was a warm day and he had to flip the visor down to keep the sun out of his eyes. He finally saw a house with tools and equipment out front. A bunch of people were sitting around the porch, eating lunch.
Matt saw Julie immediately, her blonde hair pulled up in a ponytail. He parked his car and walked up to the house slowly. She didn’t see him until he cut across the grass toward the porch. She looked down, biting her lip.
“Sorry....for interrupting, but uh, Julie, can I have a minute? Please?” said Matt, stumbling over the words as his cheeks burned.
Julie shrugged and looked at the guy next to her, a tall blonde guy with a crooked smile. They seemed to talk without saying anything, and then she reluctantly stood up with a sigh. She folded her arms and walked silently back to where his car was parked.
“Well, look at that, nothing’s broken,” said Julie.
“Sorry? I don’t get it.”
“Your fingers. I figured they all must have been broken to prevent you from picking up a phone or sitting down at a keyboard or tapping out a text just once during the last seven and a half weeks.”
“I know you’re mad,” said Matt, hoping she would give him a chance to explain.
“You have no idea what I am.”
“Julie. Please. When are you done here today? Can I please pick you up so we can talk about this?”
She half-turned from him and looked down, considering it for what felt like an impossibly long time. Then she half-shrugged.
“Four o’clock.” She didn’t even wait for his response before walking briskly away. Matt got into his car and started it, watching as Julie returned to the porch. The blonde guy put an arm around her and lowered his head to whisper in her ear.
Matt drove around aimlessly for an hour until he found his car auto-piloting itself over to Hermann Field. He spent the rest of his time sitting there, alternating between thinking and remembering. The time went quickly and soon he was on his way to pick up Julie. She was sitting on the steps, waiting for him.
She got in the car without a word. Matt didn’t think he could manage driving and talking at the same time, so he turned on the radio. He drove out to the lake, parked the car, and then shifted in his seat so he could face her.
He took a deep breath. “Julie, I’m sorry. Really sorry. I know I hurt you. I know I should have told you I was leaving. I know I should have called you before now. But... I couldn’t.”
“You couldn’t?” asked Julie, her voice dripping with incredulity. “It’s not that hard, you know? To just pick up a phone?”
“I knew I had to leave, but Jules, I knew that if I talked to you, I wouldn’t be able to. I wouldn’t be able to hear the hurt in your voice or see it in your eyes and still walk away. I’d have stayed. You were the only one with the kind of power.”
She was staring out the windshield, her face hard but her eyes welling up with tears. “I can almost understand that. But Matt, why didn’t you call?”
“I don’t know. Because I’m an idiot. Because I was afraid. Because I thought it would be easier.”
“Easier for you? Because it wasn’t easy for me.”
“I know. And I’m sorry for that.”
Julie turned her head to look out the window, but Matt could see her trying to wipe away tears. She pressed her forehead against the glass and he could only wait. He wanted to take her hand, to comfort her, but he knew he’d lost that privilege.
“Tyra has this theory,” began Julie, her voice weak and shaky at first, but then it gained strength and confidence. I call it the Tyra Theory of Timing. She says you can love someone, and they can love you back, but if the timing is wrong, the whole thing is doomed.
“I think our time just ran out, Matt. I don’t know why, but it did.”
Matt looked down, but Julie reached out and put her hand on his cheek, the contact causing him to look at her. Her hand was warm but had callouses that he didn’t remember.
“It took me a long time to get to this point, but I can admit that as much as it hurt and as much as it sucked to lose you, I know that you did the right thing. It was hard for me, but you’re where you’re supposed to be now and pretty soon, I’m going to be leaving Dillon too, to be wherever I’m supposed to be.”
Matt leaned forward and pressed his forehead into hers, wishing he could just transfer all of his thought and feelings. Her arms went around his neck and he pulled her close, breathing in the scent of her citrusy shampoo mixed with the unfamiliar smell of sawdust.
With a final squeeze, Julie let go of him and leaned back into her side of the car.
“So, how’s Chicago?”
Matt caught Julie up on his life, mentioning his new friends while trying to avoid any specific names or pronouns. It’s not like he thought she’d be jealous, he just didn’t want her to think that the first thing he’d done was try to replace her. Because whatever he had with Aubrey, it wasn’t like that at all. It was different in ways he just knew, but could’t quite explain to himself, let alone to anybody else.
“So you get to spend time at the art school and have friends there already. That’s really cool. It must be so different from high school. Does everyone have crazy hair and dress all wild?”
“You have no idea,” replied Matt with a slow, warm grin. “I really like Chicago, but it feels good to be home.”
“But you feel even better to know that you’re going to be able to leave after this visit,” said Julie, somehow finishing his sentence with a true sentiment that he wasn’t sure he’d even allowed himself to acknowledge.
“Yeah, but,” began Matt, stammering as he scrambled to find a way to explain it.
“Matt, it’s okay. I’m not bitter. And I think maybe we both know that this is just goodbye for now, it doesn’t feel like goodbye forever.”
He nodded, suddenly not trusting himself to speak.
“After all,” said Julie with a smile. “The world’s a big place, with limitless possibilities. Anything could happen.”