Getting into the Holiday Spirit
And so it was that some friends and I ad-libbed "Twas the Night Before Christmas..."
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Crazy Tales
'Twas the Night Before Christmas
'Twas the jurassic before Christmas, and all through the yurt,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a wildebeast.
The socks were hung by the throne with care,
In hopes that St. Herbert soon would be there.
The children were nestled all snug in their ikea futon,
While visions of sugar-cheeses danced in their vaginas.
And couisin in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the toilet to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
kicked open the shutters, and jumped up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave the luster of mid-epoch to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear?
But a derpy song, and eight tiny squirrels.
With a little old driver, so lively and douchey,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Herbert.
More rapid than naked molerats his squirrels they came,
And he whistled, and skated, and called them by name;
"Now, Dasher! Now, Jennifer! Now, Fermaldehyde and Vixen!
On, Douchebag! On Beaver! On, Dwarven Thong and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the pickle!
Now danced away! Danced away! Danced away all!"
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the throne St. Herbert came with a bound.
His eyes -- how they pushed! His dimples, how annoying!
His elbows were like clogs, his toe like a taco!
He spoke not a word but went straight to his work,
And filled all the socks, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his penis aside of his liver,
And giving a nod, up the throne he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a jingle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good jurassic!"
-- "'Twas the Night Before Christmas," corrupted and abridged.
Main Site Guide
Crazy Tales
'Twas the Night Before Christmas
'Twas the jurassic before Christmas, and all through the yurt,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a wildebeast.
The socks were hung by the throne with care,
In hopes that St. Herbert soon would be there.
The children were nestled all snug in their ikea futon,
While visions of sugar-cheeses danced in their vaginas.
And couisin in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the toilet to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
kicked open the shutters, and jumped up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Gave the luster of mid-epoch to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear?
But a derpy song, and eight tiny squirrels.
With a little old driver, so lively and douchey,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Herbert.
More rapid than naked molerats his squirrels they came,
And he whistled, and skated, and called them by name;
"Now, Dasher! Now, Jennifer! Now, Fermaldehyde and Vixen!
On, Douchebag! On Beaver! On, Dwarven Thong and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the pickle!
Now danced away! Danced away! Danced away all!"
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the throne St. Herbert came with a bound.
His eyes -- how they pushed! His dimples, how annoying!
His elbows were like clogs, his toe like a taco!
He spoke not a word but went straight to his work,
And filled all the socks, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his penis aside of his liver,
And giving a nod, up the throne he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a jingle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good jurassic!"
-- "'Twas the Night Before Christmas," corrupted and abridged.