Family gatherings are NOT my forte!
Humberto's older brother Adrian turned 22 yesterday. I'm not really his biggest fan - Adrian is WEIRD, and engaged to a woman who is 10 years older than him. I've only talked to him for like 10 minutes total. I feel awkward around him. But, Humberto's mom invited me over, so I went. I mean I thought it would be kinda fun, and at least I would get food out of it.
The food part was good. They had barbecued chicken and beef, and beans, and a bunch of salsa, guacamole, and chips. And cake. Fricking amazing cake.
But instead of feeling welcome, I felt like I was being fed to get me out of the way. I was deliberately excluded from all conversation, yet again. I mean, how am I expected to participate and feel welcome when I speak very little Spanish, and they speak no English at home? I feel weird. I just sit there, stabbing my food with my fork, because I don't like touching it with my hands. Meanwhile, everyone else is chattering and laughing and socializing when I can only understand about 5 words a minute. Humberto swears that they don't do it to deliberately exclude me. He says it's just habit; they always speak Spanish at home. Yeah, well, I think I'm going to go get a bunch of my friends who speak French and go out to lunch with them. We'll sit and chatter away in nothing but French and leave him poking at his food. I can guarantee you that he will be absolutely furious that I deliberately left him out. But I have no right to feel that way. Either I put up with it, break up with him, or learn Spanish overnight. Nobody cares that I'm taking a Spanish class. They just laugh hysterically at me when I mispronounce something, or when I misunderstand something that they said. Oh yeah, real fucking funny.
To make it even WORSE, Humberto kept running off and leaving me there ALONE. Okay, with the exception of Adrian and possibly his father, it's not like I don't know his family and absolutely can't hold on a conversation. It's just that I feel so alone already, and then he walks out on me, and everyone else is off having a good time, and I'm still wearing my jacket and holding my purse. Because nobody ever offers to take them, and it's not like there's a place to put them or something. Humberto doesn't even offer to let me set them upstairs. No, I just sit there looking stupid.
And furthermore, he kept elbowing me. Of course, not intentionally, but it really frickin hurt. He elbowed me in the head twice. And he kept reaching over me to get his food and stuff, making me feel even MORE in the way. I mean, shit, I'm so in the way that I have to be bumped into and reached over as if I were a fixture that needed moving. And, with my conversational input, I really *could* have been a fixture.
Then after the dinner and cake, they went to go play video games. Whoopee. Because I am *so* good at that. And Alejandro, they youngest, just sits there making fun of me, in Spanish, to anyone who will listen. Well, you little brat, I understood that. So go grow up already, stop acting like a frickin kid. You're not.
Yeah, I wish I could say that. All that I can say is, "Well, I told you I suck at video games. You don't need to keep pointing it out." Oh yeah, great comeback. And of course, it's not like I can tell him off so that anyone takes me seriously. No. I'm the white girl who 'only speaks English,' 'sólo inglés.' Because now French is not a language.
I felt like the houseguest that you're trying to get rid of by making them feel uncomfortable. Like, well, if we purposely exclure her from all conversations, then maybe she'll leave and we can go back to being our happy little Mexican family.
Then it occured to me. This is probably how it's going to be or the rest of my goddamned life. I'll go over to my in-laws, and they'll all be chattering in Spanish. They'll always make me feel unwanted. I will always be the outsider, the intruder, the unwanted houseguest. It doesn't matter if I try to learn Spanish, because they will always use slang, and I will always misunderstand their accents, and I will always not get the joke. And I will be sitting there, wondering what the hell is so funny. And it will be me.
I just don't understand the double standard. God forbid I offend Humberto. But it's okay if he offends me. It's okay if I feel weird. It's okay if he does X thing, but I can't. I have to be perfect, but he can be as big of a fuckup as he would like.
And I am so fucking sick of being told to be more like someone else. Every time I feel like this and I confront him about it, he tells me about Melanie. Yeah, so I should turn into Melanie, the psycho woman who has three children with three different fathers, and she didn't marry any of them. She is over-protective and INSANELY judgmental. She is white and blond and thinks she's Mexican. Furthermore, when I have only spoken to her for a very brief ammount of time, she thinks I am a whore, and hates me. Thanks a fucking lot, Humberto, for being inappropriate in public. Because it makes EVERYONE think I'm a whore. Yeah, thanks a fucking lot for always talking about sexual things, or looking at my bobs "to make a joke," or anything like that, because now people really think that I am easy and slutty and all of that. And they have damn good reason to, I must be fucking insane for putting up with this shit.
I don't WANT to be like Melanie, goddamnit! So quit fucking bringing it up. Can't you find ANYONE else who speaks Spanish and happens to be blond? Or should I really aspire to be like the psycho bitch?
Why can't you just make me feel important!? Why can't you just function like a normal person? Why do you have to have meetings at 1:00 am? Why do you need to bring people into our business? Why aren't you the same?
Or, maybe I should just give up and go find someone else. Someone who has graduated on time from their actual high school. Someone who can write, and I can read it, and they can spell basic things. Someone who makes me feel challenged intellectually on a regular basis.
Or, fuck that, why don't I go find someone who is rich and gullible?
Why don't I go find someone who is white?
Why do I have to love him?
The food part was good. They had barbecued chicken and beef, and beans, and a bunch of salsa, guacamole, and chips. And cake. Fricking amazing cake.
But instead of feeling welcome, I felt like I was being fed to get me out of the way. I was deliberately excluded from all conversation, yet again. I mean, how am I expected to participate and feel welcome when I speak very little Spanish, and they speak no English at home? I feel weird. I just sit there, stabbing my food with my fork, because I don't like touching it with my hands. Meanwhile, everyone else is chattering and laughing and socializing when I can only understand about 5 words a minute. Humberto swears that they don't do it to deliberately exclude me. He says it's just habit; they always speak Spanish at home. Yeah, well, I think I'm going to go get a bunch of my friends who speak French and go out to lunch with them. We'll sit and chatter away in nothing but French and leave him poking at his food. I can guarantee you that he will be absolutely furious that I deliberately left him out. But I have no right to feel that way. Either I put up with it, break up with him, or learn Spanish overnight. Nobody cares that I'm taking a Spanish class. They just laugh hysterically at me when I mispronounce something, or when I misunderstand something that they said. Oh yeah, real fucking funny.
To make it even WORSE, Humberto kept running off and leaving me there ALONE. Okay, with the exception of Adrian and possibly his father, it's not like I don't know his family and absolutely can't hold on a conversation. It's just that I feel so alone already, and then he walks out on me, and everyone else is off having a good time, and I'm still wearing my jacket and holding my purse. Because nobody ever offers to take them, and it's not like there's a place to put them or something. Humberto doesn't even offer to let me set them upstairs. No, I just sit there looking stupid.
And furthermore, he kept elbowing me. Of course, not intentionally, but it really frickin hurt. He elbowed me in the head twice. And he kept reaching over me to get his food and stuff, making me feel even MORE in the way. I mean, shit, I'm so in the way that I have to be bumped into and reached over as if I were a fixture that needed moving. And, with my conversational input, I really *could* have been a fixture.
Then after the dinner and cake, they went to go play video games. Whoopee. Because I am *so* good at that. And Alejandro, they youngest, just sits there making fun of me, in Spanish, to anyone who will listen. Well, you little brat, I understood that. So go grow up already, stop acting like a frickin kid. You're not.
Yeah, I wish I could say that. All that I can say is, "Well, I told you I suck at video games. You don't need to keep pointing it out." Oh yeah, great comeback. And of course, it's not like I can tell him off so that anyone takes me seriously. No. I'm the white girl who 'only speaks English,' 'sólo inglés.' Because now French is not a language.
I felt like the houseguest that you're trying to get rid of by making them feel uncomfortable. Like, well, if we purposely exclure her from all conversations, then maybe she'll leave and we can go back to being our happy little Mexican family.
Then it occured to me. This is probably how it's going to be or the rest of my goddamned life. I'll go over to my in-laws, and they'll all be chattering in Spanish. They'll always make me feel unwanted. I will always be the outsider, the intruder, the unwanted houseguest. It doesn't matter if I try to learn Spanish, because they will always use slang, and I will always misunderstand their accents, and I will always not get the joke. And I will be sitting there, wondering what the hell is so funny. And it will be me.
I just don't understand the double standard. God forbid I offend Humberto. But it's okay if he offends me. It's okay if I feel weird. It's okay if he does X thing, but I can't. I have to be perfect, but he can be as big of a fuckup as he would like.
And I am so fucking sick of being told to be more like someone else. Every time I feel like this and I confront him about it, he tells me about Melanie. Yeah, so I should turn into Melanie, the psycho woman who has three children with three different fathers, and she didn't marry any of them. She is over-protective and INSANELY judgmental. She is white and blond and thinks she's Mexican. Furthermore, when I have only spoken to her for a very brief ammount of time, she thinks I am a whore, and hates me. Thanks a fucking lot, Humberto, for being inappropriate in public. Because it makes EVERYONE think I'm a whore. Yeah, thanks a fucking lot for always talking about sexual things, or looking at my bobs "to make a joke," or anything like that, because now people really think that I am easy and slutty and all of that. And they have damn good reason to, I must be fucking insane for putting up with this shit.
I don't WANT to be like Melanie, goddamnit! So quit fucking bringing it up. Can't you find ANYONE else who speaks Spanish and happens to be blond? Or should I really aspire to be like the psycho bitch?
Why can't you just make me feel important!? Why can't you just function like a normal person? Why do you have to have meetings at 1:00 am? Why do you need to bring people into our business? Why aren't you the same?
Or, maybe I should just give up and go find someone else. Someone who has graduated on time from their actual high school. Someone who can write, and I can read it, and they can spell basic things. Someone who makes me feel challenged intellectually on a regular basis.
Or, fuck that, why don't I go find someone who is rich and gullible?
Why don't I go find someone who is white?
Why do I have to love him?