Someone you might have been (part 23 of 39)
Thank you so very much to everyone who messaged me after last chapter and to all of you who are still reading. You guys are totally wonderful and I don't know what I did in a past life to be so very lucky this time round. <333
Someone you might have been
Secret agent!Jared/Jensen
part twenty-two
When Jared requests some time off, he's granted it without question or hesitation. Jeff and the branch executives are obviously not sure whether they think Jared was involved in Jensen's escape or not, despite Jared having told them everything. And there's no way of proving his innocence that won't make him appear even guiltier.
Anyway, as far as he can see, Jensen did just fine on his escape without Jared's help. According to the agents who'd been transporting him, Jensen responded immediately when they came under attack, knocking out one of the agents before going for the other. He'd retrieved the keys for his cuffs and the agent's cellphone. He'd made one call that hadn't been answered, which traced to a remote server, and evidently served as a signal to Mike.
It's all starting to look to Jared like an exit strategy that's been in place for a good long while. Jensen's had this escape waiting for him, set up and ready for the day he needed it. He knew ISA's SOP, knew which road they'd take him along once Mike got them moving him, had the funds ready to hire some cheap local muscle to cause a distraction, had picked a suitable rendezvous point. The only thing he hadn't been able to plan was Jared's response - would he shoot or wouldn't he? Not that Jensen hadn't tried to factor Jared in; letting Jared fall in love with him had to be viewed as an act of self-preservation.
Jared thinks of the number of times he's driven down that road with Jensen, and he feels a little sick with it. Jensen must have sat beside him and known that one day, one day, he'd be running down that road. Because Jensen can't have believed that he'd get away with it, surely? Had he really thought that he'd live out his despicable little life, maybe even slip into a happily-ever-after with Jared, and never be found out? Would he have ever tried telling Jared that he was a murderer and a liar and all kinds of manipulative?
And if he had, what would Jared have done?
It's that last question that convinces Jared that too much thinking is a really bad idea right now. He has his time off and he has his own plan of action and too much thinking is totally not on the list of things to do.
:::
Not surprisingly, the CIA is kind of picky about who it recruits. Somehow, Jensen got through the CIA's screening procedure. Not to state the obvious, but, somewhere along the line, something was obviously missed. Jared has considered this exhaustively because he feels he needs someone to blame for ever letting him meet Jensen.
Following a review of the facts, Jared has come down to two points. Firstly, Jensen was recruited from college. Secondly, Jensen was still in high school when he met Mike.
Jared's willing to bet that Jensen made sure there was nothing about him in college that would show up when the CIA asked around about him. Maybe if the CIA had tracked a little further back though they might have found something. It began in high school and that's where Jared has to look.
The ISA offices are too emotionally charged for Jared to get any work done, plus there would be questions asked, so he retreats to the blessedly neutral space of his apartment, opens his laptop, and sets about looking for answers. He's prepared to hack his way into CIA databases if he has to - albeit hacking as politely and respectfully as is possible - but it turns out all he needs is Jensen's name.
'Jensen Ackles' leads him to a Missing Persons report, which has been marked as a voluntary disappearance and closed - but which still exists. It's dated for when Jensen was in college and Jared imagines that Jensen decided to cut all links before embarking on his career as a double-crossing traitor. It'd be a smart thing to do, Jared figures, so it seems likely to him that that's what Jensen did. Jensen's all about the smart, except when he's about the total untrustworthiness.
Jensen did the smart thing and disappeared.
Except, his mom apparently reported him as missing. Her name and address is on the bottom of the report. It's years ago, but even if she's moved, she can't be that difficult to find.
Jared rocks backwards, the laptop still perched on his knees, and stares at Jensen's family's home address. It's just a few lines of text but it feels enormous, overwhelming almost. He turns away from it and stares out of the window at the grey clouds in the sky banked up on one another. His breathing has picked up slightly.
People have done a lot of crappy things to Jared - leaving aside the whole 'Jensen' issue because no one's ever done anything like that to him before - and he's never gone out of his way to retaliate. He believes in proportional responses and keeping his calm and generally not being a dick. However, if anyone went near his family, he'd kill them. Wouldn't even have to think about it. Hell, he punched Jensen for even hinting at it, and Jensen is, was… was something he isn't going to think about right now damn it.
There are lines that Jared doesn't want to cross. This is one of them.
But when he thinks about it, falling in love with his handler was another of them. Jensen led him to this.
Jared sighs and begins investigating flights to Dallas.
:::
"Oh," Donna Ackles says, faint but calm, "you've found his body, haven't you?"
Jared manages not to wince as he tucks his fake badge back into his jacket.
"No, ma'am. Nothing like that. We're just reviewing some old cases. I was wondering if I could come in, ask you some questions about your son?"
Donna blinks as if she's processing that there's still no body and then stands back to let Jared in. He enters Jensen's childhood home and feels wrong down to the bone. Wrong, and insanely fascinated. He's taken the same kind of precautions he'd take if it were his own family he was visiting, but it still feels perilous. The notion that he is betraying Jensen in some way occurs to him and is dismissed as stupid in the time it takes for Donna to show him to the living room.
The house is quiet and tidy. Jared searches the walls for family photos but it's on the mantel that he sees a single photo of Jensen, something like a yearbook picture where he's young and smiling and kind of dorky-looking. Jared doesn't want to find it adorable but it's harder than it should be to keep his eyes off it.
"I don't know what else I can tell you," Donna says. "I went over it all with the police at the time." She gives Jared a small, sharp smile that is painfully similar to Jensen's. "You're not going to find him now, are you? It's been too long. He's gone."
"I'm sorry I'm dragging it all up again," Jared says. "I'm really hoping to talk to some people we didn't see during the initial investigation. School friends, maybe?"
Donna shakes her head. "Jensen didn't have any friends at school." At Jared's incredulous expression her tone becomes defensive. "No one he was particularly close to. He was an exceptional student, passionate and dedicated. He didn't have time for…"
Being a teenager, Jared fills in silently. But he simply says, "How about any of the teachers then?"
Donna hesitates, thinking, then nods slowly. "Well, I suppose there's Geoff Wyatt. He taught Jensen for Social Studies. Jensen always enjoyed his lessons and Wyatt helped him with his college applications."
"You have any idea where I can find Wyatt now?"
"He's still at the school, I think. Still teaching."
Jared loves it when things come together as awesomely as this.
:::
"Of course I remember Jensen," Wyatt says. "He was my best student."
Wyatt is nearing retirement-age but his eyes are still fiercely blue and alert. He is not comfortable talking to Jared and that alone convinces Jared that there is something important Wyatt can tell him.
"Can you tell me what you remember about him?" Jared prompts.
Wyatt frowns and continues marking papers. His pen moves effortlessly over the pages, leaving a jagged trail of red squiggles behind.
"I told you: he was my best student. I don't know what else I can tell you."
"Look," says Jared, "I'm not gonna lie to you: we're not going to find him. We're going through the motions reviewing this case but we're not going to find him. But… I just want to know what happened. I've spoken to a lot of people about Jensen and it seems like nobody can tell me anything."
Wyatt's pen pauses. A bell rings distantly and there's sudden rush of footsteps in the hallway beyond the door. Then Wyatt lays his pen down and looks up at Jared. "That's because if you ask five different people to tell you about Jensen you'll hear five different things. Jensen was… he was very good at watching people, at… handling people. He'd be whatever he thought he needed to be depending on who he was with."
Jared raises an eyebrow. "Didn't you think that was a little weird?"
"Well, to be honest, Jensen was. He liked his causes better than he liked people." Wyatt frowns. "No, I don't mean that. I mean people didn't catch Jensen's attention like causes did. By the time I met him, he'd gone through wanting to save the whales, wanting to save the ozone layer and was right up to wanting to save the world."
"Which I guess is where the political protest rallies come in," Jared says, as much to himself as to Wyatt.
"Oh yeah. 'The current system of organised government does not work', Jensen used to say. Wrote me fifty million essays on it. So serious, so hung-up on fixing it. Y'know, I've seen kids like him before, all this talent and potential and nowhere to direct it. I used to tell him, 'You're gonna do great things.' You know what he'd say to me? 'When?'"
Wyatt laughs almost affectionately, then shakes his head. "Damn good thing Jensen grew out of all that. Got his head on right and put all that energy to trying to make some responsible changes to the system."
"What makes you think he grew out of it?"
There's a long silence that makes Jared think he's going to have to work a little harder to get Wyatt talking again. But then Wyatt picks up his pen and goes back to marking papers.
"There was this friend of Jensen's, a couple of years older than Jensen. I never liked him. I thought the whole friendship was downright unhealthy. But, y'know, to be fair, at least it was someone Jensen seemed able to engage with. I saw them together sometimes, heard Jensen start spouting a whole new line of radicalism."
"What happened?"
"Well," says Wyatt, "one day, I notice Jensen's looking awful thoughtful about something. I'm talking more thoughtful than usual. So I asked him to stay after class and I asked him what the trouble was. He says that his friend has said that 'there's no such thing as a bloodless revolution', and what did I think about that?"
Jared can imagine, can almost see it. Sweet little Jensen with his devious little brain working away on the problems of the world. He can imagine Jensen's brain playing and tugging at the idea, testing the idea to see if he could assimilate it to his thinking or whether he should discard it, like it's a piece of data he needs to decide if it's useful or not.
Jared leans forward. "What did you tell him?"
"I told him that a revolution that didn't serve the people was no good at all. And you know what? I never heard another word from his friend, never saw them together again." Wyatt beams proudly. "Jensen dropped him so fast and pulled his act together like you wouldn't believe."
Considering Jared is almost certain that the friend Wyatt is referring to is Mike, and that he knows for a fact Mike is still very much present in Jensen's life, Jared does not find himself reassured of Jensen's moral compass. In fact, it seems pretty obvious to him that Jensen's been a timebomb ticking away for years.
:::
Carefully refusing to consider his motives, Jared takes a copy of Jensen's yearbook photo before he leaves. He tucks it into his wallet and he heads back to ISA and to the problems that need solving now.
part twenty four
Someone you might have been
Secret agent!Jared/Jensen
part twenty-two
When Jared requests some time off, he's granted it without question or hesitation. Jeff and the branch executives are obviously not sure whether they think Jared was involved in Jensen's escape or not, despite Jared having told them everything. And there's no way of proving his innocence that won't make him appear even guiltier.
Anyway, as far as he can see, Jensen did just fine on his escape without Jared's help. According to the agents who'd been transporting him, Jensen responded immediately when they came under attack, knocking out one of the agents before going for the other. He'd retrieved the keys for his cuffs and the agent's cellphone. He'd made one call that hadn't been answered, which traced to a remote server, and evidently served as a signal to Mike.
It's all starting to look to Jared like an exit strategy that's been in place for a good long while. Jensen's had this escape waiting for him, set up and ready for the day he needed it. He knew ISA's SOP, knew which road they'd take him along once Mike got them moving him, had the funds ready to hire some cheap local muscle to cause a distraction, had picked a suitable rendezvous point. The only thing he hadn't been able to plan was Jared's response - would he shoot or wouldn't he? Not that Jensen hadn't tried to factor Jared in; letting Jared fall in love with him had to be viewed as an act of self-preservation.
Jared thinks of the number of times he's driven down that road with Jensen, and he feels a little sick with it. Jensen must have sat beside him and known that one day, one day, he'd be running down that road. Because Jensen can't have believed that he'd get away with it, surely? Had he really thought that he'd live out his despicable little life, maybe even slip into a happily-ever-after with Jared, and never be found out? Would he have ever tried telling Jared that he was a murderer and a liar and all kinds of manipulative?
And if he had, what would Jared have done?
It's that last question that convinces Jared that too much thinking is a really bad idea right now. He has his time off and he has his own plan of action and too much thinking is totally not on the list of things to do.
:::
Not surprisingly, the CIA is kind of picky about who it recruits. Somehow, Jensen got through the CIA's screening procedure. Not to state the obvious, but, somewhere along the line, something was obviously missed. Jared has considered this exhaustively because he feels he needs someone to blame for ever letting him meet Jensen.
Following a review of the facts, Jared has come down to two points. Firstly, Jensen was recruited from college. Secondly, Jensen was still in high school when he met Mike.
Jared's willing to bet that Jensen made sure there was nothing about him in college that would show up when the CIA asked around about him. Maybe if the CIA had tracked a little further back though they might have found something. It began in high school and that's where Jared has to look.
The ISA offices are too emotionally charged for Jared to get any work done, plus there would be questions asked, so he retreats to the blessedly neutral space of his apartment, opens his laptop, and sets about looking for answers. He's prepared to hack his way into CIA databases if he has to - albeit hacking as politely and respectfully as is possible - but it turns out all he needs is Jensen's name.
'Jensen Ackles' leads him to a Missing Persons report, which has been marked as a voluntary disappearance and closed - but which still exists. It's dated for when Jensen was in college and Jared imagines that Jensen decided to cut all links before embarking on his career as a double-crossing traitor. It'd be a smart thing to do, Jared figures, so it seems likely to him that that's what Jensen did. Jensen's all about the smart, except when he's about the total untrustworthiness.
Jensen did the smart thing and disappeared.
Except, his mom apparently reported him as missing. Her name and address is on the bottom of the report. It's years ago, but even if she's moved, she can't be that difficult to find.
Jared rocks backwards, the laptop still perched on his knees, and stares at Jensen's family's home address. It's just a few lines of text but it feels enormous, overwhelming almost. He turns away from it and stares out of the window at the grey clouds in the sky banked up on one another. His breathing has picked up slightly.
People have done a lot of crappy things to Jared - leaving aside the whole 'Jensen' issue because no one's ever done anything like that to him before - and he's never gone out of his way to retaliate. He believes in proportional responses and keeping his calm and generally not being a dick. However, if anyone went near his family, he'd kill them. Wouldn't even have to think about it. Hell, he punched Jensen for even hinting at it, and Jensen is, was… was something he isn't going to think about right now damn it.
There are lines that Jared doesn't want to cross. This is one of them.
But when he thinks about it, falling in love with his handler was another of them. Jensen led him to this.
Jared sighs and begins investigating flights to Dallas.
:::
"Oh," Donna Ackles says, faint but calm, "you've found his body, haven't you?"
Jared manages not to wince as he tucks his fake badge back into his jacket.
"No, ma'am. Nothing like that. We're just reviewing some old cases. I was wondering if I could come in, ask you some questions about your son?"
Donna blinks as if she's processing that there's still no body and then stands back to let Jared in. He enters Jensen's childhood home and feels wrong down to the bone. Wrong, and insanely fascinated. He's taken the same kind of precautions he'd take if it were his own family he was visiting, but it still feels perilous. The notion that he is betraying Jensen in some way occurs to him and is dismissed as stupid in the time it takes for Donna to show him to the living room.
The house is quiet and tidy. Jared searches the walls for family photos but it's on the mantel that he sees a single photo of Jensen, something like a yearbook picture where he's young and smiling and kind of dorky-looking. Jared doesn't want to find it adorable but it's harder than it should be to keep his eyes off it.
"I don't know what else I can tell you," Donna says. "I went over it all with the police at the time." She gives Jared a small, sharp smile that is painfully similar to Jensen's. "You're not going to find him now, are you? It's been too long. He's gone."
"I'm sorry I'm dragging it all up again," Jared says. "I'm really hoping to talk to some people we didn't see during the initial investigation. School friends, maybe?"
Donna shakes her head. "Jensen didn't have any friends at school." At Jared's incredulous expression her tone becomes defensive. "No one he was particularly close to. He was an exceptional student, passionate and dedicated. He didn't have time for…"
Being a teenager, Jared fills in silently. But he simply says, "How about any of the teachers then?"
Donna hesitates, thinking, then nods slowly. "Well, I suppose there's Geoff Wyatt. He taught Jensen for Social Studies. Jensen always enjoyed his lessons and Wyatt helped him with his college applications."
"You have any idea where I can find Wyatt now?"
"He's still at the school, I think. Still teaching."
Jared loves it when things come together as awesomely as this.
:::
"Of course I remember Jensen," Wyatt says. "He was my best student."
Wyatt is nearing retirement-age but his eyes are still fiercely blue and alert. He is not comfortable talking to Jared and that alone convinces Jared that there is something important Wyatt can tell him.
"Can you tell me what you remember about him?" Jared prompts.
Wyatt frowns and continues marking papers. His pen moves effortlessly over the pages, leaving a jagged trail of red squiggles behind.
"I told you: he was my best student. I don't know what else I can tell you."
"Look," says Jared, "I'm not gonna lie to you: we're not going to find him. We're going through the motions reviewing this case but we're not going to find him. But… I just want to know what happened. I've spoken to a lot of people about Jensen and it seems like nobody can tell me anything."
Wyatt's pen pauses. A bell rings distantly and there's sudden rush of footsteps in the hallway beyond the door. Then Wyatt lays his pen down and looks up at Jared. "That's because if you ask five different people to tell you about Jensen you'll hear five different things. Jensen was… he was very good at watching people, at… handling people. He'd be whatever he thought he needed to be depending on who he was with."
Jared raises an eyebrow. "Didn't you think that was a little weird?"
"Well, to be honest, Jensen was. He liked his causes better than he liked people." Wyatt frowns. "No, I don't mean that. I mean people didn't catch Jensen's attention like causes did. By the time I met him, he'd gone through wanting to save the whales, wanting to save the ozone layer and was right up to wanting to save the world."
"Which I guess is where the political protest rallies come in," Jared says, as much to himself as to Wyatt.
"Oh yeah. 'The current system of organised government does not work', Jensen used to say. Wrote me fifty million essays on it. So serious, so hung-up on fixing it. Y'know, I've seen kids like him before, all this talent and potential and nowhere to direct it. I used to tell him, 'You're gonna do great things.' You know what he'd say to me? 'When?'"
Wyatt laughs almost affectionately, then shakes his head. "Damn good thing Jensen grew out of all that. Got his head on right and put all that energy to trying to make some responsible changes to the system."
"What makes you think he grew out of it?"
There's a long silence that makes Jared think he's going to have to work a little harder to get Wyatt talking again. But then Wyatt picks up his pen and goes back to marking papers.
"There was this friend of Jensen's, a couple of years older than Jensen. I never liked him. I thought the whole friendship was downright unhealthy. But, y'know, to be fair, at least it was someone Jensen seemed able to engage with. I saw them together sometimes, heard Jensen start spouting a whole new line of radicalism."
"What happened?"
"Well," says Wyatt, "one day, I notice Jensen's looking awful thoughtful about something. I'm talking more thoughtful than usual. So I asked him to stay after class and I asked him what the trouble was. He says that his friend has said that 'there's no such thing as a bloodless revolution', and what did I think about that?"
Jared can imagine, can almost see it. Sweet little Jensen with his devious little brain working away on the problems of the world. He can imagine Jensen's brain playing and tugging at the idea, testing the idea to see if he could assimilate it to his thinking or whether he should discard it, like it's a piece of data he needs to decide if it's useful or not.
Jared leans forward. "What did you tell him?"
"I told him that a revolution that didn't serve the people was no good at all. And you know what? I never heard another word from his friend, never saw them together again." Wyatt beams proudly. "Jensen dropped him so fast and pulled his act together like you wouldn't believe."
Considering Jared is almost certain that the friend Wyatt is referring to is Mike, and that he knows for a fact Mike is still very much present in Jensen's life, Jared does not find himself reassured of Jensen's moral compass. In fact, it seems pretty obvious to him that Jensen's been a timebomb ticking away for years.
:::
Carefully refusing to consider his motives, Jared takes a copy of Jensen's yearbook photo before he leaves. He tucks it into his wallet and he heads back to ISA and to the problems that need solving now.
part twenty four