(no subject)
Twenty one, turning point. "who am I supposed to be"
I am emotional.
I am lazy in the way of feeling a constant need for a constant peace.
I am / or have been deprived of good, honest, accepting people my entire life
I am worked up easily, I am tired and discouraged and terribly unmotivated.
I have new ideas brewing that, though far fetched may seem to work out if I put myself into it.
I am unsure, I am unsure about a love I began, a genuine love built on on the assumptions that I was free. Free from Jeremiah, from discomfort. Free from the Omniescense of the future Free from trusting something I couldn't touch nor feel nor breathe and that freedom killed me on spot.
This realization, this surrender, it shut down the part of me that required love, another lever pulled out any emotional converse. I can not argue, I shut down. And it's then .. among many times daily, I want to change.
When I begin to feel unwanted, I immediately retreat. I've been this way my whole life, I can't stand the feeling of rejection, I can't stand that I'm not enough. And I am a proud person, profoundly proud. I can't be the one left in the cold water, i won't.
So I leave, I walk out of the room or leave the car, I sit outside of the bar or I smoke cigarettes in the long driveway. A defense mechanism, i'd like to throw a wrench into.
I am emotional.
I am lazy in the way of feeling a constant need for a constant peace.
I am / or have been deprived of good, honest, accepting people my entire life
I am worked up easily, I am tired and discouraged and terribly unmotivated.
I have new ideas brewing that, though far fetched may seem to work out if I put myself into it.
I am unsure, I am unsure about a love I began, a genuine love built on on the assumptions that I was free. Free from Jeremiah, from discomfort. Free from the Omniescense of the future Free from trusting something I couldn't touch nor feel nor breathe and that freedom killed me on spot.
This realization, this surrender, it shut down the part of me that required love, another lever pulled out any emotional converse. I can not argue, I shut down. And it's then .. among many times daily, I want to change.
When I begin to feel unwanted, I immediately retreat. I've been this way my whole life, I can't stand the feeling of rejection, I can't stand that I'm not enough. And I am a proud person, profoundly proud. I can't be the one left in the cold water, i won't.
So I leave, I walk out of the room or leave the car, I sit outside of the bar or I smoke cigarettes in the long driveway. A defense mechanism, i'd like to throw a wrench into.