(no subject)
So, well, thank goodness for the "just me" setting. Not that anybody could read this anyway ("obvs") so I don't know why I'm writing as though there were a larger audience. I do plan on making a more public post, though, because I really feel like I want someone to listen to me. (note: this has been opened to the public because certain situations have changed so that it feels safer now than before.)
The reason I'm writing here is because I can't find a way to password my "causes" document, which is the "well, whatever" that I have here on Scott's computer. So I don't feel comfortable writing about certain things (like how I feel about Steven). And also on LJ I don't want to use people's names.
So... I got all emotional. I just started by mentioning to Scott that sometimes I get annoyed when I think that he is being wasteful. I said that I don't know if maybe it's just that I'm jealous that for most of my life I haven't been as privileged as him, or if it's a non-envy emotion that just has to do with my upbringing. Either way I think it probably comes from not having money and things.
But talking about it, it kind of led to a/the larger issue, which is that I don't feel like we have really ever had a serious discussion. Like, a heart-to-heart sort of thing. Because whenever things get too serious, I feel like he just doesn't want to talk about it. Which is true, he said so himself, and I understand. I get that way too. Just, it's like... I don't have a lot of people to talk to. There's him, my mom, my dad, and Dan. And I feel like the person I most want to talk to is my dad (I mean, in addition/second to--depending on the issue--Scott) because he's, hmm... more understanding? More open? I trust him more. I trust him more than my mom.
I guess since this is just for me, I can ramble on about whatever I fucking want to. Okay.
So why do I trust him more than my mom? Or maybe a better way to put it is, why don't I feel okay about telling my mom certain things? I ended up telling her about the episodes of despair and about Steven.
And so I don't forget, I'm going to go into that just a bit. The episodes of despair: it hasn't really happened for the past... three days? Counting today (although it's actually 4 am, but I'm counting days as the periods between sleeping). But what had been happening, for ummm let's see... I was at my mom's Monday night... but when was before that? Saturday night? Because I went back to see Venture Bros/Metalocalypse. Yep. So Saturday, the 5th of December, I was at my mom's. And we got stoned and went to sleep, and I had this moment where I just felt so incredibly distant and alone. Like there was no one in the entire world who could possibly help me, could understand me, could comfort me. I don't know what it was that I wanted help/understanding/comfort about. Lots of things, I guess. ED-NOS and Steven, probably mostly.
But then--looking at this calendar I guess it was only like 3 or 4 days--I just kept having these 20-60 minute times where I just felt that darkness. That utterly black pit, where I feel that everything is meaningless and I am totally hopeless and completely alone. I want to die when I feel that way, but I know it's only a temporary feeling, so I bear it. I don't remember having felt that bad, although I probably have before, when I was at my lowest, which I think was when I dropped out of school the first time.
Anyway, so I told my mom about that and about how I feel about Steven. And I didn't want to.
(Quick reminder: also, I was just thinking when I had a smoke that maybe some of my ED problems, like feeling miserably fat, could just be channeling my emotional distress about other issues into something more controllable or something like that. Something I can't/just won't share with anyone else. Or something?)
But I did. She was drunk and stoned; I was stoned. I had to tell someone. But even though it felt better to have told someone who knows me in real life, it also created a new anxiety. Because... because why? Because it's my mom. I guess I have similar feelings about telling my mom things and telling Scott things. I don't really trust them to understand. Or maybe I don't really trust them to not let it change how they think about me? Well, I guess I do worry about my mom using it against me in a certain way. Not that she does it intentionally. Maybe she doesn't do it at all. Maybe it's just that when I am vulnerable and I tell someone something like that, I feel like them knowing that part of me makes me weaker. Like, uh... hm... That them knowing these sensitive issues that I am dealing with, well... I guess what I just said, lets them know me.
So then, why don't I want them to know me? Why do I want to have this distance? I have to acknowledge that my relationships with both my mom and my boyfriend are probably just this side of codependent/dysfunctional. Especially with my mom. Maybe it's that, with my mom I have been trying to separate myself from her, and with Scott I don't want to become attached in the first place.
What's wrong with having an attachment to someone? Let's talk about Mom first. Being attached is painful. When she has problems, I take those on; they become my problems. But since I'm not her, I can only take on what she tells me. And more and more I realize that she is not/has not been honest with me. At the moment, I wonder if it's for the same reasons I keep things hidden from her. I don't know. Or maybe she worries that if I know everything, I won't respect her or I won't love her. That's not the case.
Hey, maybe that's it for me. I'm worried that if I let people know what's really inside me, they won't respect/love me. They will reject me.
Writing this, I've been avoiding saying anything about a fear of rejection. It just seems so common, even cliche. And it's illogical. First of all, why would people who love and care about me reject me? Scott and I have not exchanged "I love you"s. I am about 96% certain that he does love me, though. I'm pretty sure that if I said, "do you love me?" he would say yes. I almost asked him that a little while ago. But I won't.
Well, what about Mom? She will love me always, I'm sure. But respect? Is that the issue? Do I want my mom to respect me? Of course I do. Am I afraid that if I let her know who I really am, she won't respect me?
And/or, could it be that if I let people get close enough to really be able to understand me, I will be forced to understand things about myself that I don't want to face? I mean, I don't know... I'm sure there are some/a lot of things within me that I am blind to. Ways that I function that are dysfunctional, but also that are... maybe coping mechanisms? Or things that are not compatible with my as-of-now identity? When truth clashes with identity, it is extremely painful. I think that's what caused me so much trouble in rehab. I was so angry. I guess, if this hypothesis is correct, that I was resentful that the way I was living, the person I had tried so hard to be/convince myself that I was, was being torn apart. Maybe I was scared. Of course I was scared. I don't know what's more terrifying than not knowing who you are.
I can't tell if I'm getting any closer to the root of things or if I'm getting distracted. But I guess I'll just keep on with whatever.
In that weird and brief deep-ish discussion with Steven, he asked if I'm "an honest person," explaining that what he meant was that I seem like I am fairly true to myself in my interactions with people, and that part of it would be/is acting the same way around various groups.
In ways I am. I mean, I try to be myself around everybody, not changing my persona depending on the group, that sort of thing. But I don't know that I'm truly truly myself around anybody. I don't know if anybody really is. Maybe. Well, like, there's no way of knowing to what extent people can understand each other's perspectives. So there's no evidence and no way to be sure if someone can totally understand someone else. Like, "can you ever really ~know~ anybody?" That sort of thing. You probably can't ever know another person like you know yourself. At least not with human communication the way it is. Maybe someday we'll evolve or develop technology that lets us completely enter someone else's psyche and understand them from their own point of view.
ANYWAY that is ~definitely~ getting away from the point.
I was meaning to get to this: I think there are things I have that sound like really personal information, but which are really just things that I have detached enough from that I can keep my defenses up without letting people know that I don't want them to get too close. And just the fact/idea that I don't want people to get too close is so frustrating, because I do want closeness. I crave a relationship where I can totally let go of the wall I have.
Having a "wall" is another thing that I don't like to consider having because it seems too common or cliche or trite, something like that. But it is very likely the truth.
Well, what now? Okay. Why do I have a wall against the people with whom I should be closest, be most able to share my innermost self with? FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.
FUCK!!
I don't know! I can figure it out, though, which I kind of feel like means that on some level I ~do~ know. right?
Ahhh... you know, with my dad I feel like, I don't have to explain to him everything, I don't need him to know everything I feel about everything that's going on in my life. That whatever it is that I feel, it doesn't matter to him why that is--I mean, it matters insofar as he wants to help me, and he wants to understand--because the most important thing is for him to just be there. I feel like any emotion I want/need to express is okay with him. He's there for me. He's not going to judge me.
And maybe that's a thing, too. I'm afraid that people are going to judge me for being too emotional. For not being in control of myself. I don't know where that fear comes from (but I'm sure as shit going to think about that one). Maybe it's something like, if I'm not in control of my emotions, somebody else is going to manipulate them. That's probably a big thing!
I mean, like I said, I don't think my mom does it on purpose, but she can and has definitely manipulated my emotions. I understand. I probably do things like that, too. Because if other people's emotions and actions can affect my emotions and actions, one way to ensure that I am in control of myself is to also be in control of others.
And I guess it's classic psychology to think that control is a big issue of mine because of my mom's alcoholism when I was little, and her bad relationships, and my having been sexually abused. All these things that I had no control over whatsoever. And so the more I can control my life, the safer I am.
So... maybe I keep a certain distance from others because I feel like the closer I am to them/they are to me the less in-control I am. But didn't they teach us that other people can't really control how we feel, anyway? Still, they definitely influence it. Like, it's pretty hard not to feel hurt when somebody rejects you. It's totally possible to get through it and get over it. And I guess it's healthy to feel those emotional reactions, as long as I handle them in a healthy way.
AGH WHAT THE FUCK
In what ways have I felt rejected by my mother? I'm sure that when I was little and she was drinking heavily I felt that she valued her addiction more than me. I was too young to remember it clearly. But I do remember her telling me that when she first came out of treatment, it took me a long time before she could go someplace without me getting anxious about where she was going and for how long. And, in her dysfunctional serial monogamies, I know I have felt like she cared more about her partner than she did me. Why else would she stay with someone I hated so much? But, it's also fair to say that I probably felt jealous. And she probably at least partially discounted my dislike and mistrust of these women to that. Still, that doesn't change too much that I had felt that way.
Also, she used to go on a lot about how she feels like she's been a bad parent. And that just gives me the feeling that I am so fucked up. Like, why would my mom feel like she's let me down so badly if I weren't a total mess, and a disappointment? If she is disappointed in herself as a parent, what does that say about me, if children are so massively influenced by their upbringing? I know I've had problems, and I think that she felt that way partly because she does like who I am and so she feels guilty about ways that she could have been but wasn't a more available parent, and partly because she feels responsible for issues like drugs and cutting and depression. I want so badly for her not to feel that way, for her to know that the past is the past and that everyone makes mistakes, and that so much of the good in me is because of the parent she was and is.
What does that have to do with defense and fear of rejection, though? Well, if I don't tell her about my problems then she doesn't have to hurt over them. I feel guilty when I feel like she feels guilty. Fuck guilt. FUCK IT.
Alright, I have been focusing a lot on Mom. But there's way more to it.
Like, okay, this is still to do with my mom, but: I feel like she will analyze things differently when she knows certain things. For instance, I didn't want to tell her about how I feel about Steven because I feel like when Scott is over there's this secret and she'll be looking at us from that perspective.
Well, fine. But that is not as good an explanation for not telling Scott things. I mean, it's fairly obvious why I don't want to tell him about Steven. That's not something I feel is an unreasonable desire, to not tell my boyfriend that I am... okay, I'll say "in love"--in love--with his best friend. But what about the despair? And other stuff? Like, a long long time ago (okay, like 6 or 7 months ago) I wanted to talk about our relationship. What is it? What boundaries do we want to set? What are the rules? But he didn't say much, and I could tell it was something he really didn't feel like talking about. So I said we could put it off, and it never happened. I don't like that.
When I am unhappy, he tries to cheer me up. It's really sweet, and at the same time I sometimes resent it, because I feel like a part of why he does that is because he doesn't want to talk about emotions and stuff. Which I guess I can't blame him... I mean, it's not like I'm exactly forthcoming all the time. Maybe he's got a problem similar to mine. I don't know. It would make a certain amount of sense.
I don't even know where to go from here. I've run out of energy to write or think about this stuff. So, here's what's left:
I need to get out of here for a while. Spend a few days away from Scott. At LEAST 3 days, if not a full week. Maybe it will help me clear my head. Yeah, I bet it will. I wish I could just spend a little while completely alone. I know, I tend to isolate when I'm not doing well. I can't really tell if I'm trying to isolate in order to avoid my troubles or in order to figure them out, maybe even begin to resolve some of them.
And, I'm thinking just now that... Well, maybe I should just grit my teeth and put the truth out there. I mean, what I'm ready to at the moment. I don't feel like talking about ed-nos or Steven.
I'm tired. I'm cold. I want a cigarette but it's well below freezing. Oh well.
I feel a little numb right now. Emotionally/mentally. Isn't it funny now numbness feels so much more similar to melancholy than it does to contentment? I mean, it should be neutral, right? So I guess it's not true numbness. It's more like... hmm... just shutting down or closing myself off. Refusing to or maybe even becoming incapable of acknowledging emotions.
Smoking and sleeping, those are my priorities.
I wish I could cry to someone. Not alone. I think I am a very very lonely person. I think that loneliness is a really big deal for me.
But I'll address that later. Soon, but later. I hope. I really should.
The reason I'm writing here is because I can't find a way to password my "causes" document, which is the "well, whatever" that I have here on Scott's computer. So I don't feel comfortable writing about certain things (like how I feel about Steven). And also on LJ I don't want to use people's names.
So... I got all emotional. I just started by mentioning to Scott that sometimes I get annoyed when I think that he is being wasteful. I said that I don't know if maybe it's just that I'm jealous that for most of my life I haven't been as privileged as him, or if it's a non-envy emotion that just has to do with my upbringing. Either way I think it probably comes from not having money and things.
But talking about it, it kind of led to a/the larger issue, which is that I don't feel like we have really ever had a serious discussion. Like, a heart-to-heart sort of thing. Because whenever things get too serious, I feel like he just doesn't want to talk about it. Which is true, he said so himself, and I understand. I get that way too. Just, it's like... I don't have a lot of people to talk to. There's him, my mom, my dad, and Dan. And I feel like the person I most want to talk to is my dad (I mean, in addition/second to--depending on the issue--Scott) because he's, hmm... more understanding? More open? I trust him more. I trust him more than my mom.
I guess since this is just for me, I can ramble on about whatever I fucking want to. Okay.
So why do I trust him more than my mom? Or maybe a better way to put it is, why don't I feel okay about telling my mom certain things? I ended up telling her about the episodes of despair and about Steven.
And so I don't forget, I'm going to go into that just a bit. The episodes of despair: it hasn't really happened for the past... three days? Counting today (although it's actually 4 am, but I'm counting days as the periods between sleeping). But what had been happening, for ummm let's see... I was at my mom's Monday night... but when was before that? Saturday night? Because I went back to see Venture Bros/Metalocalypse. Yep. So Saturday, the 5th of December, I was at my mom's. And we got stoned and went to sleep, and I had this moment where I just felt so incredibly distant and alone. Like there was no one in the entire world who could possibly help me, could understand me, could comfort me. I don't know what it was that I wanted help/understanding/comfort about. Lots of things, I guess. ED-NOS and Steven, probably mostly.
But then--looking at this calendar I guess it was only like 3 or 4 days--I just kept having these 20-60 minute times where I just felt that darkness. That utterly black pit, where I feel that everything is meaningless and I am totally hopeless and completely alone. I want to die when I feel that way, but I know it's only a temporary feeling, so I bear it. I don't remember having felt that bad, although I probably have before, when I was at my lowest, which I think was when I dropped out of school the first time.
Anyway, so I told my mom about that and about how I feel about Steven. And I didn't want to.
(Quick reminder: also, I was just thinking when I had a smoke that maybe some of my ED problems, like feeling miserably fat, could just be channeling my emotional distress about other issues into something more controllable or something like that. Something I can't/just won't share with anyone else. Or something?)
But I did. She was drunk and stoned; I was stoned. I had to tell someone. But even though it felt better to have told someone who knows me in real life, it also created a new anxiety. Because... because why? Because it's my mom. I guess I have similar feelings about telling my mom things and telling Scott things. I don't really trust them to understand. Or maybe I don't really trust them to not let it change how they think about me? Well, I guess I do worry about my mom using it against me in a certain way. Not that she does it intentionally. Maybe she doesn't do it at all. Maybe it's just that when I am vulnerable and I tell someone something like that, I feel like them knowing that part of me makes me weaker. Like, uh... hm... That them knowing these sensitive issues that I am dealing with, well... I guess what I just said, lets them know me.
So then, why don't I want them to know me? Why do I want to have this distance? I have to acknowledge that my relationships with both my mom and my boyfriend are probably just this side of codependent/dysfunctional. Especially with my mom. Maybe it's that, with my mom I have been trying to separate myself from her, and with Scott I don't want to become attached in the first place.
What's wrong with having an attachment to someone? Let's talk about Mom first. Being attached is painful. When she has problems, I take those on; they become my problems. But since I'm not her, I can only take on what she tells me. And more and more I realize that she is not/has not been honest with me. At the moment, I wonder if it's for the same reasons I keep things hidden from her. I don't know. Or maybe she worries that if I know everything, I won't respect her or I won't love her. That's not the case.
Hey, maybe that's it for me. I'm worried that if I let people know what's really inside me, they won't respect/love me. They will reject me.
Writing this, I've been avoiding saying anything about a fear of rejection. It just seems so common, even cliche. And it's illogical. First of all, why would people who love and care about me reject me? Scott and I have not exchanged "I love you"s. I am about 96% certain that he does love me, though. I'm pretty sure that if I said, "do you love me?" he would say yes. I almost asked him that a little while ago. But I won't.
Well, what about Mom? She will love me always, I'm sure. But respect? Is that the issue? Do I want my mom to respect me? Of course I do. Am I afraid that if I let her know who I really am, she won't respect me?
And/or, could it be that if I let people get close enough to really be able to understand me, I will be forced to understand things about myself that I don't want to face? I mean, I don't know... I'm sure there are some/a lot of things within me that I am blind to. Ways that I function that are dysfunctional, but also that are... maybe coping mechanisms? Or things that are not compatible with my as-of-now identity? When truth clashes with identity, it is extremely painful. I think that's what caused me so much trouble in rehab. I was so angry. I guess, if this hypothesis is correct, that I was resentful that the way I was living, the person I had tried so hard to be/convince myself that I was, was being torn apart. Maybe I was scared. Of course I was scared. I don't know what's more terrifying than not knowing who you are.
I can't tell if I'm getting any closer to the root of things or if I'm getting distracted. But I guess I'll just keep on with whatever.
In that weird and brief deep-ish discussion with Steven, he asked if I'm "an honest person," explaining that what he meant was that I seem like I am fairly true to myself in my interactions with people, and that part of it would be/is acting the same way around various groups.
In ways I am. I mean, I try to be myself around everybody, not changing my persona depending on the group, that sort of thing. But I don't know that I'm truly truly myself around anybody. I don't know if anybody really is. Maybe. Well, like, there's no way of knowing to what extent people can understand each other's perspectives. So there's no evidence and no way to be sure if someone can totally understand someone else. Like, "can you ever really ~know~ anybody?" That sort of thing. You probably can't ever know another person like you know yourself. At least not with human communication the way it is. Maybe someday we'll evolve or develop technology that lets us completely enter someone else's psyche and understand them from their own point of view.
ANYWAY that is ~definitely~ getting away from the point.
I was meaning to get to this: I think there are things I have that sound like really personal information, but which are really just things that I have detached enough from that I can keep my defenses up without letting people know that I don't want them to get too close. And just the fact/idea that I don't want people to get too close is so frustrating, because I do want closeness. I crave a relationship where I can totally let go of the wall I have.
Having a "wall" is another thing that I don't like to consider having because it seems too common or cliche or trite, something like that. But it is very likely the truth.
Well, what now? Okay. Why do I have a wall against the people with whom I should be closest, be most able to share my innermost self with? FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.
FUCK!!
I don't know! I can figure it out, though, which I kind of feel like means that on some level I ~do~ know. right?
Ahhh... you know, with my dad I feel like, I don't have to explain to him everything, I don't need him to know everything I feel about everything that's going on in my life. That whatever it is that I feel, it doesn't matter to him why that is--I mean, it matters insofar as he wants to help me, and he wants to understand--because the most important thing is for him to just be there. I feel like any emotion I want/need to express is okay with him. He's there for me. He's not going to judge me.
And maybe that's a thing, too. I'm afraid that people are going to judge me for being too emotional. For not being in control of myself. I don't know where that fear comes from (but I'm sure as shit going to think about that one). Maybe it's something like, if I'm not in control of my emotions, somebody else is going to manipulate them. That's probably a big thing!
I mean, like I said, I don't think my mom does it on purpose, but she can and has definitely manipulated my emotions. I understand. I probably do things like that, too. Because if other people's emotions and actions can affect my emotions and actions, one way to ensure that I am in control of myself is to also be in control of others.
And I guess it's classic psychology to think that control is a big issue of mine because of my mom's alcoholism when I was little, and her bad relationships, and my having been sexually abused. All these things that I had no control over whatsoever. And so the more I can control my life, the safer I am.
So... maybe I keep a certain distance from others because I feel like the closer I am to them/they are to me the less in-control I am. But didn't they teach us that other people can't really control how we feel, anyway? Still, they definitely influence it. Like, it's pretty hard not to feel hurt when somebody rejects you. It's totally possible to get through it and get over it. And I guess it's healthy to feel those emotional reactions, as long as I handle them in a healthy way.
AGH WHAT THE FUCK
In what ways have I felt rejected by my mother? I'm sure that when I was little and she was drinking heavily I felt that she valued her addiction more than me. I was too young to remember it clearly. But I do remember her telling me that when she first came out of treatment, it took me a long time before she could go someplace without me getting anxious about where she was going and for how long. And, in her dysfunctional serial monogamies, I know I have felt like she cared more about her partner than she did me. Why else would she stay with someone I hated so much? But, it's also fair to say that I probably felt jealous. And she probably at least partially discounted my dislike and mistrust of these women to that. Still, that doesn't change too much that I had felt that way.
Also, she used to go on a lot about how she feels like she's been a bad parent. And that just gives me the feeling that I am so fucked up. Like, why would my mom feel like she's let me down so badly if I weren't a total mess, and a disappointment? If she is disappointed in herself as a parent, what does that say about me, if children are so massively influenced by their upbringing? I know I've had problems, and I think that she felt that way partly because she does like who I am and so she feels guilty about ways that she could have been but wasn't a more available parent, and partly because she feels responsible for issues like drugs and cutting and depression. I want so badly for her not to feel that way, for her to know that the past is the past and that everyone makes mistakes, and that so much of the good in me is because of the parent she was and is.
What does that have to do with defense and fear of rejection, though? Well, if I don't tell her about my problems then she doesn't have to hurt over them. I feel guilty when I feel like she feels guilty. Fuck guilt. FUCK IT.
Alright, I have been focusing a lot on Mom. But there's way more to it.
Like, okay, this is still to do with my mom, but: I feel like she will analyze things differently when she knows certain things. For instance, I didn't want to tell her about how I feel about Steven because I feel like when Scott is over there's this secret and she'll be looking at us from that perspective.
Well, fine. But that is not as good an explanation for not telling Scott things. I mean, it's fairly obvious why I don't want to tell him about Steven. That's not something I feel is an unreasonable desire, to not tell my boyfriend that I am... okay, I'll say "in love"--in love--with his best friend. But what about the despair? And other stuff? Like, a long long time ago (okay, like 6 or 7 months ago) I wanted to talk about our relationship. What is it? What boundaries do we want to set? What are the rules? But he didn't say much, and I could tell it was something he really didn't feel like talking about. So I said we could put it off, and it never happened. I don't like that.
When I am unhappy, he tries to cheer me up. It's really sweet, and at the same time I sometimes resent it, because I feel like a part of why he does that is because he doesn't want to talk about emotions and stuff. Which I guess I can't blame him... I mean, it's not like I'm exactly forthcoming all the time. Maybe he's got a problem similar to mine. I don't know. It would make a certain amount of sense.
I don't even know where to go from here. I've run out of energy to write or think about this stuff. So, here's what's left:
I need to get out of here for a while. Spend a few days away from Scott. At LEAST 3 days, if not a full week. Maybe it will help me clear my head. Yeah, I bet it will. I wish I could just spend a little while completely alone. I know, I tend to isolate when I'm not doing well. I can't really tell if I'm trying to isolate in order to avoid my troubles or in order to figure them out, maybe even begin to resolve some of them.
And, I'm thinking just now that... Well, maybe I should just grit my teeth and put the truth out there. I mean, what I'm ready to at the moment. I don't feel like talking about ed-nos or Steven.
I'm tired. I'm cold. I want a cigarette but it's well below freezing. Oh well.
I feel a little numb right now. Emotionally/mentally. Isn't it funny now numbness feels so much more similar to melancholy than it does to contentment? I mean, it should be neutral, right? So I guess it's not true numbness. It's more like... hmm... just shutting down or closing myself off. Refusing to or maybe even becoming incapable of acknowledging emotions.
Smoking and sleeping, those are my priorities.
I wish I could cry to someone. Not alone. I think I am a very very lonely person. I think that loneliness is a really big deal for me.
But I'll address that later. Soon, but later. I hope. I really should.