(no subject)
Um, well, so, I had another dream about The Other Boy. I don't remember if it was in this or glass_umbrella, or anywhere, that I mentioned the last two. The one before he was not exactly playing hard-to-get, more like the place we were in kept changing so everytime we came close there was no way to get through. And the first one was, we were just lying down, platonically (supposedly, you know, like when you like someone and they like you too and you're just trying to be near them), and he rolled onto his side and leaned down over me and kissed me! In the sweetest way.
And this one?
I was at this castle thing, which was actually a college campus. It was cold, drizzling, and grey. I was walking over a bright bright green field, and I saw he was ahead of me, which I hadn't expected. There were a lot of other people heading into this one building. I felt overwhelming sadness (more on that later--it's not just my dreams) and my face crumpled up and I almost cried. But then he turned around and I straightened out my face and put my hand on the the side of it (I had been going to cover it up, of course) as though I were leaning on my hand (which I wasn't, coz I was standing. this just makes the point of how awkward it was). I didn't want him to think I was acting sad on purpose to get attention.
We went inside and looked at all the seats. Every time it seemed there were two side-by-side there was some reason they weren't. A bunch of chairs had coats or purses on them. A few had people. And others had printed sheets declaring a reservation for so-and-so. I was feeling very very sad, but I wasn't going to let on to him. Then we saw a group of couches. Well, there was one spacious recliner, a love seat, and a couch, all matching beige and made as a set to fit perfectly around a circular table. I pointed to the loveseat and the couch and asked him where he wanted to sit. He chose the love seat (my dream mind did not fail to giggle that it was a 'love' seat) and lay down upon it, very comfortably. I did so as well, to take his lead, but since I'm trying to keep the way I feel a secret, I lay down the opposite direction.
The thing began. There were two large televisions, one on each side of this auditorium, so that you could watch whether you were facing one way or the other. It was an Alice in Wonderland sort of miniseries. I remember that is was specifically Alice in Wonderland based. It was much darker and creepier. A little bit it reminded me of Jim Henson's The Storyteller, but I don't think there were many puppets. Anyway, I don't remember much.
What I remember is the following, which switched from screen to my 'real life'/dream life throughout. There were two ugly men kissing on screen. Then they broke apart, and then they were me and The Other Boy. He changed back to himself, and I began changing into The Boy's (my boyfriend's) Brother, who is good-looking and a little feminine (aside from the stubble). I saw from third-, rather than first-, although I experienced it otherwise as first-person, that The Other Boy was leaning in very close to me. I don't remember how much was said and how much was thought (so when I say 'think' or 'say' it could be one or the other or both), but I remember my thinking "he probably doesn't know who I am... and if that's true then he's probably gay, which means I really have no chance!" and I was getting really depressed and anxious. And then, he somehow communicated to me that he did know who I was, and it was only because my appearance had changed that he could do this, because he liked me all along... And, I dunno, it was kind of like how a person will do things when they're anonymous that they wouldn't normally do, except I was the one in disguise.
So he kissed me, and we were really more like making out, but it was such a romantic, gentle thing, not particularly sexual in nature (but a little bit). I could see my face beginning to change, becoming more me, although in the dream my nose become very small and pointy before I turned back. I don't remember when I fully turned back, though. I think The Other Boy got a call from someone called Charlie, and the call was going to take a very long time. He left for the call, and I finished watching the movie.
In another part of the dream, which I don't remember if it was before or after, I was looking to rent a room. The Boy (not The Other Boy) was with me. I found one, in an RV, although it looked much bigger. And it was an RV that traveled. The woman who owned it was a tiny alcoholic, who was brassy and a little trashy and kind of intimidating. Very very late, toward the end of this part of the dream, I was sitting around with a bunch of guys (who were almost entirely her friends) playing cards and drinking. For some reason I have the feeling that it was a tropical juice mix with coconut rum in it. Anyway, The Boy's Brother came in (I think he was coming back from the bathroom) and, instead of taking a seat on the couches, he sat on my lap, which was fine. I didn't take any meaning from that, except for thinking that the others might misinterpret it, which they did. One guy said, "wow, so everyone here's couples except me!" which I was surprised, since they all seemed like kind of very sports-bar/frat type guys. Then the tiny alcoholic was snuggling up to The Boy and I was like oh no, bitch, (I didn't say that) so I twisted and leaned over and put my arms around him. She didn't let go right away, though. She was embarrassed, I bet, but covered it up by trying to stare me down, which didn't work.
Anyway, I do think that the part with The Other Boy came after that. Also, since I woke up from that dream, I've had that song from that jewelry commercial stuck in my head. You know, "I want to tell you that I'm always thinking of you." The one where the chick's asleep and the guy puts a necklace on her? Yeah. I almost hate myself for having this song stuck in my head.
Now what's this about sadness? I don't know. Lately I've been feeling incredibly distant from everyone I know and alone and despairing. Not all the time, just for about 20-40 minutes at a time maybe 5-7 times a day. I feel alone much more consistently. The despair is the part that's not all the time. If it were, i don't know what I'd do. It's such a black crushing feeling, I just want to cry and die. Like there's an eternal blackness inside me and around me, inescapable. I know that's not the case and it will pass, but it's really difficult to deal with.
I feel totally disconnected from everyone I know, even my boyfriend and my mom. I can't think of anyone I could feel a connection with in those times of despair. Of anyone who could bring me comfort. I imagine that The Other Boy would, but maybe not, and maybe if I just talk to someone I will find that they do help me feel much better. I think my dad could help me, too. Or Dan. I guess I just need a man I really trust. I mean, it's not like I don't trust The Boy. I just really really don't think he could understand, and that's what I need. He might try and comfort me, but... I don't know. I feel like it might make me feel worse, and also I feel like he might worry about me and that's the last thing I need.
The good news is, my reaction is a loss of appetite, rather than an increase. I want this to stop. I don't remember the last time I felt this fucking horrible. I mean, there've been times I felt bad, and I say, "I haven't felt this bad since my lowest point when I dropped out of school!" But I was wrong. I guess I'd forgotten how bad I felt. Or maybe this is worse.
This is the worst feeling I have ever felt, or at least that I can remember having ever felt. I hate it! I hate it! I thought that this kind of despair would never come back to me again, and here it is. I don't know what to do. All I can think is to call my psychiatrist, but last time I mentioned I was feeling weird he was talking about "if this increased dosage doesn't work, we might try antipsychotics." No fucking way. That shit makes you gain weight like crazy. The more sensible thing is to get an appointment with a therapist, but I don't really like therapy. I like having someone to talk to, though... I guess I could do that. It makes me feel a little sick, though, like the thought of daycare, where they served that awful spaghetti with turkey meatballs, and it was always cold.
And I have that dissociated feeling... which one is it? The one where I feel nothing's quite as solid and real as it should be. I don't yet have the feeling of not being able to relate to my body, but I'm sure it's in the post. Oh, I just looked it up. It's depersonalization. I mean, the whole thing is, it's just not to the point I feel strange in my physical form. Once it was so bad I could hardly move, literally. It was pretty scary. Anyway, I want to know why I feel this way. If there's a reason for it, or if it's a chemical imbalance sort of problem. FUCK
;ALFN;O3AVI4NV;OFNKA;VKERV;AWEOVNF;BWEJKDVNBLVN FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
Also, I'm out of cigarettes. I'm going to drink some coffee.
And this one?
I was at this castle thing, which was actually a college campus. It was cold, drizzling, and grey. I was walking over a bright bright green field, and I saw he was ahead of me, which I hadn't expected. There were a lot of other people heading into this one building. I felt overwhelming sadness (more on that later--it's not just my dreams) and my face crumpled up and I almost cried. But then he turned around and I straightened out my face and put my hand on the the side of it (I had been going to cover it up, of course) as though I were leaning on my hand (which I wasn't, coz I was standing. this just makes the point of how awkward it was). I didn't want him to think I was acting sad on purpose to get attention.
We went inside and looked at all the seats. Every time it seemed there were two side-by-side there was some reason they weren't. A bunch of chairs had coats or purses on them. A few had people. And others had printed sheets declaring a reservation for so-and-so. I was feeling very very sad, but I wasn't going to let on to him. Then we saw a group of couches. Well, there was one spacious recliner, a love seat, and a couch, all matching beige and made as a set to fit perfectly around a circular table. I pointed to the loveseat and the couch and asked him where he wanted to sit. He chose the love seat (my dream mind did not fail to giggle that it was a 'love' seat) and lay down upon it, very comfortably. I did so as well, to take his lead, but since I'm trying to keep the way I feel a secret, I lay down the opposite direction.
The thing began. There were two large televisions, one on each side of this auditorium, so that you could watch whether you were facing one way or the other. It was an Alice in Wonderland sort of miniseries. I remember that is was specifically Alice in Wonderland based. It was much darker and creepier. A little bit it reminded me of Jim Henson's The Storyteller, but I don't think there were many puppets. Anyway, I don't remember much.
What I remember is the following, which switched from screen to my 'real life'/dream life throughout. There were two ugly men kissing on screen. Then they broke apart, and then they were me and The Other Boy. He changed back to himself, and I began changing into The Boy's (my boyfriend's) Brother, who is good-looking and a little feminine (aside from the stubble). I saw from third-, rather than first-, although I experienced it otherwise as first-person, that The Other Boy was leaning in very close to me. I don't remember how much was said and how much was thought (so when I say 'think' or 'say' it could be one or the other or both), but I remember my thinking "he probably doesn't know who I am... and if that's true then he's probably gay, which means I really have no chance!" and I was getting really depressed and anxious. And then, he somehow communicated to me that he did know who I was, and it was only because my appearance had changed that he could do this, because he liked me all along... And, I dunno, it was kind of like how a person will do things when they're anonymous that they wouldn't normally do, except I was the one in disguise.
So he kissed me, and we were really more like making out, but it was such a romantic, gentle thing, not particularly sexual in nature (but a little bit). I could see my face beginning to change, becoming more me, although in the dream my nose become very small and pointy before I turned back. I don't remember when I fully turned back, though. I think The Other Boy got a call from someone called Charlie, and the call was going to take a very long time. He left for the call, and I finished watching the movie.
In another part of the dream, which I don't remember if it was before or after, I was looking to rent a room. The Boy (not The Other Boy) was with me. I found one, in an RV, although it looked much bigger. And it was an RV that traveled. The woman who owned it was a tiny alcoholic, who was brassy and a little trashy and kind of intimidating. Very very late, toward the end of this part of the dream, I was sitting around with a bunch of guys (who were almost entirely her friends) playing cards and drinking. For some reason I have the feeling that it was a tropical juice mix with coconut rum in it. Anyway, The Boy's Brother came in (I think he was coming back from the bathroom) and, instead of taking a seat on the couches, he sat on my lap, which was fine. I didn't take any meaning from that, except for thinking that the others might misinterpret it, which they did. One guy said, "wow, so everyone here's couples except me!" which I was surprised, since they all seemed like kind of very sports-bar/frat type guys. Then the tiny alcoholic was snuggling up to The Boy and I was like oh no, bitch, (I didn't say that) so I twisted and leaned over and put my arms around him. She didn't let go right away, though. She was embarrassed, I bet, but covered it up by trying to stare me down, which didn't work.
Anyway, I do think that the part with The Other Boy came after that. Also, since I woke up from that dream, I've had that song from that jewelry commercial stuck in my head. You know, "I want to tell you that I'm always thinking of you." The one where the chick's asleep and the guy puts a necklace on her? Yeah. I almost hate myself for having this song stuck in my head.
Now what's this about sadness? I don't know. Lately I've been feeling incredibly distant from everyone I know and alone and despairing. Not all the time, just for about 20-40 minutes at a time maybe 5-7 times a day. I feel alone much more consistently. The despair is the part that's not all the time. If it were, i don't know what I'd do. It's such a black crushing feeling, I just want to cry and die. Like there's an eternal blackness inside me and around me, inescapable. I know that's not the case and it will pass, but it's really difficult to deal with.
I feel totally disconnected from everyone I know, even my boyfriend and my mom. I can't think of anyone I could feel a connection with in those times of despair. Of anyone who could bring me comfort. I imagine that The Other Boy would, but maybe not, and maybe if I just talk to someone I will find that they do help me feel much better. I think my dad could help me, too. Or Dan. I guess I just need a man I really trust. I mean, it's not like I don't trust The Boy. I just really really don't think he could understand, and that's what I need. He might try and comfort me, but... I don't know. I feel like it might make me feel worse, and also I feel like he might worry about me and that's the last thing I need.
The good news is, my reaction is a loss of appetite, rather than an increase. I want this to stop. I don't remember the last time I felt this fucking horrible. I mean, there've been times I felt bad, and I say, "I haven't felt this bad since my lowest point when I dropped out of school!" But I was wrong. I guess I'd forgotten how bad I felt. Or maybe this is worse.
This is the worst feeling I have ever felt, or at least that I can remember having ever felt. I hate it! I hate it! I thought that this kind of despair would never come back to me again, and here it is. I don't know what to do. All I can think is to call my psychiatrist, but last time I mentioned I was feeling weird he was talking about "if this increased dosage doesn't work, we might try antipsychotics." No fucking way. That shit makes you gain weight like crazy. The more sensible thing is to get an appointment with a therapist, but I don't really like therapy. I like having someone to talk to, though... I guess I could do that. It makes me feel a little sick, though, like the thought of daycare, where they served that awful spaghetti with turkey meatballs, and it was always cold.
And I have that dissociated feeling... which one is it? The one where I feel nothing's quite as solid and real as it should be. I don't yet have the feeling of not being able to relate to my body, but I'm sure it's in the post. Oh, I just looked it up. It's depersonalization. I mean, the whole thing is, it's just not to the point I feel strange in my physical form. Once it was so bad I could hardly move, literally. It was pretty scary. Anyway, I want to know why I feel this way. If there's a reason for it, or if it's a chemical imbalance sort of problem. FUCK
;ALFN;O3AVI4NV;OFNKA;VKERV;AWEOVNF;BWEJKDVNBLVN FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
Also, I'm out of cigarettes. I'm going to drink some coffee.