(no subject)
Two entries in one day ewww, I am becoming a LJ nerd. well for those of you who don't understand anything about my family here is just a snipit!
fireangyl1219 = my sister
sign of flesh = me
bob = my supposed father (read on you will understand)
donna = the grotesque stepmother
fireangyl1219: hey
Auto response from sign of flesh: This world can, at times, be so lack luster
sign of flesh: hello
fireangyl1219: whats up
sign of flesh: nothing
fireangyl1219: when is amber coming down
sign of flesh: tommorow
fireangyl1219: really how is she getting there?Did you get a job yet
sign of flesh: plane and no
sign of flesh: i told you I was waiting until I turned 18
fireangyl1219: ahhh i see
fireangyl1219: i didn't know if you got one in the mean time
fireangyl1219: still lookin at applebees?
sign of flesh: yes
fireangyl1219: cool cool
fireangyl1219: is mom working
sign of flesh: yes
fireangyl1219: are you ok
fireangyl1219: do you not feel like talking
sign of flesh: Just amber stuff thats all, she really gets under my skin sometimes
sign of flesh: thats all
fireangyl1219: really? what happened, and is she going to stay on the couch while you wait to get an apartment?
sign of flesh: we have the apartment already
sign of flesh: she just doesn't understand how I feel about things
sign of flesh: and she is stressed so it never makes it easier
fireangyl1219: like what? you can talk to me
sign of flesh: well I was making conversation (cause she usually sits there and is quiet) and I asked what she does all day and she flips out and is like you don't trust me ect.
sign of flesh: and so me not doing anything wrong was quite taken back
fireangyl1219: OMG that stinks
fireangyl1219: I hear that
fireangyl1219: does she have a job?
fireangyl1219: and is the first months rent free
sign of flesh: no and yes
fireangyl1219: well at least you have time to start getting paid, and I can understand this whole thing but do you think that is safe to move in together if you don't clear the air about this
sign of flesh: yes and no
sign of flesh: she has to call me back later but I will probally end up calling her, becuase she doesn't want anything to do with "my" problems
fireangyl1219: yeah just try to talk to her about it calmly
sign of flesh: i did the entire convo
sign of flesh: her mom came home and she rushed to get off the phone
fireangyl1219: you know i worry about you right
sign of flesh: no not really
fireangyl1219: i miss having you around
sign of flesh: nobody on that side of the family seemed to care about my sitiuation
fireangyl1219: that's not true
sign of flesh: the fact that I have to struggle so much becuase bob was lazy and wanted to run to utah
sign of flesh: granted I didn't want to live with him, but still
fireangyl1219: I definetly care and believe or not Bob and Donna ask me about you all the time they really miss talking to you but are scared to call because they are afraid of your reaction
sign of flesh: he hasn't ever called on a birthday or christmas,or anything
fireangyl1219: They are scared they wanna call trust me
sign of flesh: well they should be they totally fucked me over
fireangyl1219: HOW!
sign of flesh: and yes I do resent them
sign of flesh: ok, throwing me into the financial situation they did is not fucking me over?
fireangyl1219: you are the one who ran away and TRUST ME i am being NUETRAL on this as an outsider
fireangyl1219: what financial situation
fireangyl1219: Living with mom was not supposed to entail you paying the bills both rob and i agree that's not right
sign of flesh: see you have been so absent from my life that you don't understand that mom and jay go from paycheck to paycheck, everything I have ever had I had to buy
sign of flesh: I have to buy my own food
sign of flesh: and pretty much had to since 16
sign of flesh: well whether it is right or not
sign of flesh: it needs to be done
sign of flesh: or the bills don't get paid
fireangyl1219: I understand that from someone who lives on my own but the thing that you sometimes you don't see is that they didn't force you into this situation you wanted to live with mom
sign of flesh: yes, but don't you see the childish manner in which they "disposed" of me
sign of flesh: and there plan to move to utah seemed to bubble to fruition right after that
fireangyl1219: they didn't though, you could have come back but you didn't want to
sign of flesh: hmmm? coinicedence
fireangyl1219: that's not true remember they wanted to move us sophmore year of high school remember that?
fireangyl1219: I am not saying that they didn't make mistakes because they did plenty wrong
sign of flesh: to say they didn't help put me in the sitiaution I am in now is asisine and you of all people should know that
fireangyl1219: You wanna know something they said to me last time
sign of flesh: ?
fireangyl1219: They said that if you ever need help that they are there for you as much as they can be they really miss you and wanna talk to you
fireangyl1219: and I know you don't beleive it but whenever I talk to them it's takes me like 20minutes before they stop asking about you
sign of flesh: if they wanted to talk to me so bad then how come I never recieved a call any of the years while I was away
fireangyl1219: Because it was drama with Mom and they figured that you didn't wanna talk-- what it came down to was that you didn't call them becuase you didn't think they cared and the other way around so you were both being stubborn. I think that if you both can just let go of the past you could have more family. I don't think it's worth it to hold grudges. I forgave mom and what she did was far worse
fireangyl1219: no one says that you just have to play nice right of the bat and be like daddy i love you but take small itty bitty steps
fireangyl1219: and you could start over email which is less threateneing
sign of flesh: but for you to decide what the extremities of my feelings are, is wrong, I don't love them, becuase as a duty to bob's own conscience he "put a roof over my head" that does not mean I should love him, had he been lucid for any amount of time, and had he taken me seriously and treated more as a person than his personal slave I might have bit more respect for him, had he been honest with me I might respect him more. As unfortunate as it is you will probally never see the true demon in that man. He has done things you don't know of, and probally even more that I don't know of. He, to me is human filth, the lowest of the low. And no one is going to convince me otherwise unless it is himself, HE is supposed to be an adult why doesn't he take a step up and be the man he claims to be!
fireangyl1219: He's fucked up everyone knows that
sign of flesh: but to what extemes is what you all fail to see
fireangyl1219: Who is you all
sign of flesh: you and rob mainly, but any others who fail to see it as well
fireangyl1219: Rick can i tell you something that you promise not to repeat?
sign of flesh: yes
fireangyl1219: Nevermind let me just say one thing just because Mom says certain things doesn't always mean that they are true i have found a few faults in some of her stories. From very very very reliable people
sign of flesh: it's not mere stories I cling to
fireangyl1219: but it's not something that i care about people are people and if you hold grudges you won't have anyone in your life
sign of flesh: and to name names who?
sign of flesh: for until you make it valid it is just as airy as his claims
fireangyl1219: i am not getting into if because i don't care anymore it's not important
fireangyl1219: I care for both of my parents although i don't have respect for either as a parent
sign of flesh: becuase you feel a moral obligation
sign of flesh: me, I don't
sign of flesh: I decide what i want to decide for my own reasons
sign of flesh: I do not simply hold grudges
sign of flesh: I hate him for the person he was, is, and always will be. He has never proven to me that he can be anything more than human filth
sign of flesh: and I do not need people like that in my life
sign of flesh: hence the choices I have made
fireangyl1219: that's fine i can't really tell you how to live your life but he is still part of your family.
sign of flesh: And I only explain these things to you becuase I feel you should know why I feel the way I feel about bob
sign of flesh: family?
sign of flesh: I dare not call him family
fireangyl1219: that's fine
sign of flesh: and why do you?
fireangyl1219: im just saying that they still care
sign of flesh: why do you consider him family?
sign of flesh: I just want your reasoning on the matter
fireangyl1219: i consider him someone who cares to his own personal extent (which isn't much) about me
fireangyl1219: i have no respect for him because he doens't have respect for me as a father so no i don't see him in that light
fireangyl1219: but he is still part of family i didn't choose him but he is part of my family
fireangyl1219: just as you and robb are
fireangyl1219: i am not going to abandon all of you because i dont' agree with the way that you live you lives,
fireangyl1219: i am just saying that they care so if you ever want to make the connection you can
sign of flesh: and another thing (to be off the beatin path) bob only tested 94% positive my father and mom was sleeping with his cousin at the time which might explain why I don't resemble bob at all
fireangyl1219: other than that you do with your life as you please but I do wanna be a part of it more than I have been
fireangyl1219: whatever i don't care about that
fireangyl1219: you can disown him if you want
sign of flesh: I will live my life and I will decide who particpates in it (for the most part)
sign of flesh: but to say I responible for all that, that has lead to all of this is wrong
sign of flesh: for it was him who cast the first stone
sign of flesh: it was him who could not talk to me on the level
sign of flesh: when I wrote him those letters
sign of flesh: it was him who could not face the truth
sign of flesh: that he had wronged us all
fireangyl1219: once again I said it's none of my business that grudge belongs to you and him
sign of flesh: it was him who failed to be a father
fireangyl1219: but i fogave because i am distant from that
sign of flesh: that is your choice
sign of flesh: don't expect me to feel the same
sign of flesh: becuase our situations are very different
fireangyl1219: I think that you would have different view of life if you had lived with Mom those four years that i did
fireangyl1219: you forgave mom right
sign of flesh: i know what you went through, I also know what you thought you went through, I had no reason to forgive her other than the fact that she could not be there
sign of flesh: and I understood
sign of flesh: I respect her becuase she is honest
sign of flesh: not to say she doesn't lie
sign of flesh: but to people she cares about, she doesn't lie
fireangyl1219: so you are saying that i misinterpret what i went through in Utah?
sign of flesh: no but you were young and not in control so the situation undoubtily seemed different
sign of flesh: but that should go without saying
sign of flesh: and not to say you did not suffer
sign of flesh: becuase I am well aware that you did
fireangyl1219: TRUST ME I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT WENT ON I WAS 12 not 5
fireangyl1219: alright i see that this is not going to get us anywhere
sign of flesh: do feel it is your duty to?
fireangyl1219: to do what?
sign of flesh: get us somehwere
sign of flesh: and what direction were we going?
fireangyl1219: well you are my brother i would like to have some of my family in my life
sign of flesh: and I am not denying you am I?
fireangyl1219: I was just trying to tell you something that they still care about you it's you choice
fireangyl1219: i just wish you could see thorugh a lense not so tainted
sign of flesh: tainted?
sign of flesh: please do explain
fireangyl1219: other than that i am your sister and i will be there for you as much as i can
fireangyl1219: other than that i have nothing else to say on that subject
sign of flesh: tainted?
sign of flesh: please explain!
fireangyl1219: it's nothign i am just upset
fireangyl1219: because i wish that you could be more forgiving
fireangyl1219: but it's your chouce
fireangyl1219: don't worry about it
sign of flesh: don't say something if it has no meaning
fireangyl1219: everything is ok
fireangyl1219: i just don't think that you are looking at the whole picture sometimes but it's ok because you feel what you feel and you can't change someones mind when they are set in their ways remember robb
sign of flesh: thats the thing I do see the whole picture and am quite disgusted by it
fireangyl1219: ok
well it all may sound confusing but whatever parts you could make sense of you could probally see that I don't like a majority of my "family". Call me heartless, but I don't love people for their title, I love people for who they are, not what they can do for me in life, not becuase they are "blood". Fuck that I am so sick of being upset, And the one I love is part of that pain, and it's all becuase she doesn't know. I just need this to all be over and have amber right here. Thats all I need!
fireangyl1219 = my sister
sign of flesh = me
bob = my supposed father (read on you will understand)
donna = the grotesque stepmother
fireangyl1219: hey
Auto response from sign of flesh: This world can, at times, be so lack luster
sign of flesh: hello
fireangyl1219: whats up
sign of flesh: nothing
fireangyl1219: when is amber coming down
sign of flesh: tommorow
fireangyl1219: really how is she getting there?Did you get a job yet
sign of flesh: plane and no
sign of flesh: i told you I was waiting until I turned 18
fireangyl1219: ahhh i see
fireangyl1219: i didn't know if you got one in the mean time
fireangyl1219: still lookin at applebees?
sign of flesh: yes
fireangyl1219: cool cool
fireangyl1219: is mom working
sign of flesh: yes
fireangyl1219: are you ok
fireangyl1219: do you not feel like talking
sign of flesh: Just amber stuff thats all, she really gets under my skin sometimes
sign of flesh: thats all
fireangyl1219: really? what happened, and is she going to stay on the couch while you wait to get an apartment?
sign of flesh: we have the apartment already
sign of flesh: she just doesn't understand how I feel about things
sign of flesh: and she is stressed so it never makes it easier
fireangyl1219: like what? you can talk to me
sign of flesh: well I was making conversation (cause she usually sits there and is quiet) and I asked what she does all day and she flips out and is like you don't trust me ect.
sign of flesh: and so me not doing anything wrong was quite taken back
fireangyl1219: OMG that stinks
fireangyl1219: I hear that
fireangyl1219: does she have a job?
fireangyl1219: and is the first months rent free
sign of flesh: no and yes
fireangyl1219: well at least you have time to start getting paid, and I can understand this whole thing but do you think that is safe to move in together if you don't clear the air about this
sign of flesh: yes and no
sign of flesh: she has to call me back later but I will probally end up calling her, becuase she doesn't want anything to do with "my" problems
fireangyl1219: yeah just try to talk to her about it calmly
sign of flesh: i did the entire convo
sign of flesh: her mom came home and she rushed to get off the phone
fireangyl1219: you know i worry about you right
sign of flesh: no not really
fireangyl1219: i miss having you around
sign of flesh: nobody on that side of the family seemed to care about my sitiuation
fireangyl1219: that's not true
sign of flesh: the fact that I have to struggle so much becuase bob was lazy and wanted to run to utah
sign of flesh: granted I didn't want to live with him, but still
fireangyl1219: I definetly care and believe or not Bob and Donna ask me about you all the time they really miss talking to you but are scared to call because they are afraid of your reaction
sign of flesh: he hasn't ever called on a birthday or christmas,or anything
fireangyl1219: They are scared they wanna call trust me
sign of flesh: well they should be they totally fucked me over
fireangyl1219: HOW!
sign of flesh: and yes I do resent them
sign of flesh: ok, throwing me into the financial situation they did is not fucking me over?
fireangyl1219: you are the one who ran away and TRUST ME i am being NUETRAL on this as an outsider
fireangyl1219: what financial situation
fireangyl1219: Living with mom was not supposed to entail you paying the bills both rob and i agree that's not right
sign of flesh: see you have been so absent from my life that you don't understand that mom and jay go from paycheck to paycheck, everything I have ever had I had to buy
sign of flesh: I have to buy my own food
sign of flesh: and pretty much had to since 16
sign of flesh: well whether it is right or not
sign of flesh: it needs to be done
sign of flesh: or the bills don't get paid
fireangyl1219: I understand that from someone who lives on my own but the thing that you sometimes you don't see is that they didn't force you into this situation you wanted to live with mom
sign of flesh: yes, but don't you see the childish manner in which they "disposed" of me
sign of flesh: and there plan to move to utah seemed to bubble to fruition right after that
fireangyl1219: they didn't though, you could have come back but you didn't want to
sign of flesh: hmmm? coinicedence
fireangyl1219: that's not true remember they wanted to move us sophmore year of high school remember that?
fireangyl1219: I am not saying that they didn't make mistakes because they did plenty wrong
sign of flesh: to say they didn't help put me in the sitiaution I am in now is asisine and you of all people should know that
fireangyl1219: You wanna know something they said to me last time
sign of flesh: ?
fireangyl1219: They said that if you ever need help that they are there for you as much as they can be they really miss you and wanna talk to you
fireangyl1219: and I know you don't beleive it but whenever I talk to them it's takes me like 20minutes before they stop asking about you
sign of flesh: if they wanted to talk to me so bad then how come I never recieved a call any of the years while I was away
fireangyl1219: Because it was drama with Mom and they figured that you didn't wanna talk-- what it came down to was that you didn't call them becuase you didn't think they cared and the other way around so you were both being stubborn. I think that if you both can just let go of the past you could have more family. I don't think it's worth it to hold grudges. I forgave mom and what she did was far worse
fireangyl1219: no one says that you just have to play nice right of the bat and be like daddy i love you but take small itty bitty steps
fireangyl1219: and you could start over email which is less threateneing
sign of flesh: but for you to decide what the extremities of my feelings are, is wrong, I don't love them, becuase as a duty to bob's own conscience he "put a roof over my head" that does not mean I should love him, had he been lucid for any amount of time, and had he taken me seriously and treated more as a person than his personal slave I might have bit more respect for him, had he been honest with me I might respect him more. As unfortunate as it is you will probally never see the true demon in that man. He has done things you don't know of, and probally even more that I don't know of. He, to me is human filth, the lowest of the low. And no one is going to convince me otherwise unless it is himself, HE is supposed to be an adult why doesn't he take a step up and be the man he claims to be!
fireangyl1219: He's fucked up everyone knows that
sign of flesh: but to what extemes is what you all fail to see
fireangyl1219: Who is you all
sign of flesh: you and rob mainly, but any others who fail to see it as well
fireangyl1219: Rick can i tell you something that you promise not to repeat?
sign of flesh: yes
fireangyl1219: Nevermind let me just say one thing just because Mom says certain things doesn't always mean that they are true i have found a few faults in some of her stories. From very very very reliable people
sign of flesh: it's not mere stories I cling to
fireangyl1219: but it's not something that i care about people are people and if you hold grudges you won't have anyone in your life
sign of flesh: and to name names who?
sign of flesh: for until you make it valid it is just as airy as his claims
fireangyl1219: i am not getting into if because i don't care anymore it's not important
fireangyl1219: I care for both of my parents although i don't have respect for either as a parent
sign of flesh: becuase you feel a moral obligation
sign of flesh: me, I don't
sign of flesh: I decide what i want to decide for my own reasons
sign of flesh: I do not simply hold grudges
sign of flesh: I hate him for the person he was, is, and always will be. He has never proven to me that he can be anything more than human filth
sign of flesh: and I do not need people like that in my life
sign of flesh: hence the choices I have made
fireangyl1219: that's fine i can't really tell you how to live your life but he is still part of your family.
sign of flesh: And I only explain these things to you becuase I feel you should know why I feel the way I feel about bob
sign of flesh: family?
sign of flesh: I dare not call him family
fireangyl1219: that's fine
sign of flesh: and why do you?
fireangyl1219: im just saying that they still care
sign of flesh: why do you consider him family?
sign of flesh: I just want your reasoning on the matter
fireangyl1219: i consider him someone who cares to his own personal extent (which isn't much) about me
fireangyl1219: i have no respect for him because he doens't have respect for me as a father so no i don't see him in that light
fireangyl1219: but he is still part of family i didn't choose him but he is part of my family
fireangyl1219: just as you and robb are
fireangyl1219: i am not going to abandon all of you because i dont' agree with the way that you live you lives,
fireangyl1219: i am just saying that they care so if you ever want to make the connection you can
sign of flesh: and another thing (to be off the beatin path) bob only tested 94% positive my father and mom was sleeping with his cousin at the time which might explain why I don't resemble bob at all
fireangyl1219: other than that you do with your life as you please but I do wanna be a part of it more than I have been
fireangyl1219: whatever i don't care about that
fireangyl1219: you can disown him if you want
sign of flesh: I will live my life and I will decide who particpates in it (for the most part)
sign of flesh: but to say I responible for all that, that has lead to all of this is wrong
sign of flesh: for it was him who cast the first stone
sign of flesh: it was him who could not talk to me on the level
sign of flesh: when I wrote him those letters
sign of flesh: it was him who could not face the truth
sign of flesh: that he had wronged us all
fireangyl1219: once again I said it's none of my business that grudge belongs to you and him
sign of flesh: it was him who failed to be a father
fireangyl1219: but i fogave because i am distant from that
sign of flesh: that is your choice
sign of flesh: don't expect me to feel the same
sign of flesh: becuase our situations are very different
fireangyl1219: I think that you would have different view of life if you had lived with Mom those four years that i did
fireangyl1219: you forgave mom right
sign of flesh: i know what you went through, I also know what you thought you went through, I had no reason to forgive her other than the fact that she could not be there
sign of flesh: and I understood
sign of flesh: I respect her becuase she is honest
sign of flesh: not to say she doesn't lie
sign of flesh: but to people she cares about, she doesn't lie
fireangyl1219: so you are saying that i misinterpret what i went through in Utah?
sign of flesh: no but you were young and not in control so the situation undoubtily seemed different
sign of flesh: but that should go without saying
sign of flesh: and not to say you did not suffer
sign of flesh: becuase I am well aware that you did
fireangyl1219: TRUST ME I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT WENT ON I WAS 12 not 5
fireangyl1219: alright i see that this is not going to get us anywhere
sign of flesh: do feel it is your duty to?
fireangyl1219: to do what?
sign of flesh: get us somehwere
sign of flesh: and what direction were we going?
fireangyl1219: well you are my brother i would like to have some of my family in my life
sign of flesh: and I am not denying you am I?
fireangyl1219: I was just trying to tell you something that they still care about you it's you choice
fireangyl1219: i just wish you could see thorugh a lense not so tainted
sign of flesh: tainted?
sign of flesh: please do explain
fireangyl1219: other than that i am your sister and i will be there for you as much as i can
fireangyl1219: other than that i have nothing else to say on that subject
sign of flesh: tainted?
sign of flesh: please explain!
fireangyl1219: it's nothign i am just upset
fireangyl1219: because i wish that you could be more forgiving
fireangyl1219: but it's your chouce
fireangyl1219: don't worry about it
sign of flesh: don't say something if it has no meaning
fireangyl1219: everything is ok
fireangyl1219: i just don't think that you are looking at the whole picture sometimes but it's ok because you feel what you feel and you can't change someones mind when they are set in their ways remember robb
sign of flesh: thats the thing I do see the whole picture and am quite disgusted by it
fireangyl1219: ok
well it all may sound confusing but whatever parts you could make sense of you could probally see that I don't like a majority of my "family". Call me heartless, but I don't love people for their title, I love people for who they are, not what they can do for me in life, not becuase they are "blood". Fuck that I am so sick of being upset, And the one I love is part of that pain, and it's all becuase she doesn't know. I just need this to all be over and have amber right here. Thats all I need!