The Tragic Heroine?
arghhhhh my life is so fucked up.
SO fucked up.
school.
romance.
family.
everythinggg.
[you are now about to enter the twilight zone, AKA the world's longest blog.]
school - i don't even begin to know how i'm going to make up 5ish weeks of missed work. I have an enormous packet of work for English that's due FRIDAY. how the fuck does my teacher expect me to complete five weeks of work in five days? i've doing hella extra credit for history and getting ALL my homework in for chemistry and spanish, but i KNOW i'm gonna have to fuckin' retake chemistry in night school, and i'm pissed as fuck. that teacher isn't even TRYING to help me. not to mention that i just fucking failed a quiz in that class that i have to make up somewhere down the line. i'm so disappointed in myself for not being better. and fucking ARTICULATION is tomorrow, and here's stupid me, who's unlikely to get any of the damn classes she wants. and i want AP English Lang/Comp so bad that the thought of not getting it makes me want to throw uppppp.
romance - are you fucking KIDDING me? this section has been fucked up since the day i started seventh grade, and declared my undying love ( and IDIOCY) for DJ. the only time that it hasn't been totally ruined was when I was dating Henry, who I never got over. we broke up because we never saw each other, being that we went to different schools, but damn, man. it was special. i felt special in a way that i haven't felt special since... gosh, since early early middle school. now i just feel like some kind of second choice reject who can't manage to get it together, no matter how hard i fucking try. i can change my hair, wear a million different perfumes, get my nails done, and wear all the form fitting but not-skanky clothes that i like, and i'm STILL second best. i'm not a human anime character like taejung's girlfriend kelly, and i'm not effortlessly pretty like angelica. i have to work for even the five seconds worth of pretty i manage to get once a week, forget fucking non STOP pretty. and i try not to be jealous of other people and their happiness, because i know that's a terrible thing and everyone deserves to be happy. i'd just like to be happy myself, y'know? i'm trying so hard to be happy 'without a man,' or a girl, for that matter. i don't want to have to depend on someone else to be happy, i know that's dependency, and i've taught myself to do better for myself. but does that mean i shouldn't want someone to love me? i don't think so. it's human nature to want to be loved, whether or not i've someone specific in mind. it's hard for me to date because i don't put out, i don't drink, i don't smoke, i don't do drugs - i'm boring as fuck, y'know? there aren't a lot of people out looking for girls with chronically crooked glasses who loves british tv and musicals, and reads comic books like nobody's business. i'm a nerd, but i have a GOOD heart. one that i would love to fully give someone, whomever might want it. i recently met a boy, brendon, who's... ridiculously sweet. he used to live here, and though he just moved to montana, he may be coming to san diego for the summer. i'm much more excited than i have a right to be, i know. but i didn't have to initiate contact, for once. for the first time in god knows how long, a boy wanted to talk to ME, and was interested in what i had to say. we have so much in common, from the bands we like down to the movies we like down to the PLACES we like, and it feels so good to talk to someone who doesn't screw with my head. i don't know if it'll go anywhere, and i really hope he isn't reading this as i'm about to say this, but maybe it'll go someplace really, really good. i know that it could, and it'd be... epic if it did. he's cute, he's sweet, and he makes me smile. that goes a long way in my book, especially with the events of late. not to mention eric, the guy with the pretty eyes who likes sweeney todd. he's always really nice to me. SPEAKING OF! i almost told taejung today exactly how i felt. i wrote a long note and had tanya read it, and i was really considering it, but then i saw him with kelly ,and i just couldn't. she's a good girl for him - somebody his parents will like, someone his family will accept, she's fucking gorgeous, and she makes him happy. even if i'm not over him, i have to step back on this one. it never hurts to build up karma, right? i don't know, i feel like something out of a goo goo dolls song. obviously, i haven't figured out how to resolve this one, yet.
family - bahaha, my life. my dad wants to fly my sister and i out to wisconsin this summer, to be with him, my brother and his children for a week. FIRST of all, i don't wanna fuckin' go to WI, period, and i don't want to spend a week babysitting my brother's kids while he and my dad work. i love them both, but i'm not babysitting two preteens for free in fucking WISCONSIN. and my mom and sister are CONSTANTLY head to head over work/rent/chores/money/ ETC ETC ETC. No matter what it is, they're fighting. I get caught in the middle and I can't pick a side, so both of them get angry with me. i'm only ONE person, and i've got enough damn problems without them making shit harder.
i'm so fucking stressed.
the only way i know of dealing results in blood and scars and all sorts of bad things, things i haven't done in tree years and am not really looking to begin again, y'know? it's embarrassing, hiding all of that and covering your tracks and showing all the symptoms of an addict,because that's really what you are, and i just can't... i can't do it anymore. i need someone or something to help me deal. and i have no idea where i'll find it.
so, to wrap this shit up:
i know most of you are wondering why i've been so ridiculously honest in all of this, and here's the truth:
i don't care anymore.
if you think i'm weak, fine, go ahead.
if you think i'm crazy, go ahead and do that, as well.
but realize that i AM only human.
the end.
-lily.
SO fucked up.
school.
romance.
family.
everythinggg.
[you are now about to enter the twilight zone, AKA the world's longest blog.]
school - i don't even begin to know how i'm going to make up 5ish weeks of missed work. I have an enormous packet of work for English that's due FRIDAY. how the fuck does my teacher expect me to complete five weeks of work in five days? i've doing hella extra credit for history and getting ALL my homework in for chemistry and spanish, but i KNOW i'm gonna have to fuckin' retake chemistry in night school, and i'm pissed as fuck. that teacher isn't even TRYING to help me. not to mention that i just fucking failed a quiz in that class that i have to make up somewhere down the line. i'm so disappointed in myself for not being better. and fucking ARTICULATION is tomorrow, and here's stupid me, who's unlikely to get any of the damn classes she wants. and i want AP English Lang/Comp so bad that the thought of not getting it makes me want to throw uppppp.
romance - are you fucking KIDDING me? this section has been fucked up since the day i started seventh grade, and declared my undying love ( and IDIOCY) for DJ. the only time that it hasn't been totally ruined was when I was dating Henry, who I never got over. we broke up because we never saw each other, being that we went to different schools, but damn, man. it was special. i felt special in a way that i haven't felt special since... gosh, since early early middle school. now i just feel like some kind of second choice reject who can't manage to get it together, no matter how hard i fucking try. i can change my hair, wear a million different perfumes, get my nails done, and wear all the form fitting but not-skanky clothes that i like, and i'm STILL second best. i'm not a human anime character like taejung's girlfriend kelly, and i'm not effortlessly pretty like angelica. i have to work for even the five seconds worth of pretty i manage to get once a week, forget fucking non STOP pretty. and i try not to be jealous of other people and their happiness, because i know that's a terrible thing and everyone deserves to be happy. i'd just like to be happy myself, y'know? i'm trying so hard to be happy 'without a man,' or a girl, for that matter. i don't want to have to depend on someone else to be happy, i know that's dependency, and i've taught myself to do better for myself. but does that mean i shouldn't want someone to love me? i don't think so. it's human nature to want to be loved, whether or not i've someone specific in mind. it's hard for me to date because i don't put out, i don't drink, i don't smoke, i don't do drugs - i'm boring as fuck, y'know? there aren't a lot of people out looking for girls with chronically crooked glasses who loves british tv and musicals, and reads comic books like nobody's business. i'm a nerd, but i have a GOOD heart. one that i would love to fully give someone, whomever might want it. i recently met a boy, brendon, who's... ridiculously sweet. he used to live here, and though he just moved to montana, he may be coming to san diego for the summer. i'm much more excited than i have a right to be, i know. but i didn't have to initiate contact, for once. for the first time in god knows how long, a boy wanted to talk to ME, and was interested in what i had to say. we have so much in common, from the bands we like down to the movies we like down to the PLACES we like, and it feels so good to talk to someone who doesn't screw with my head. i don't know if it'll go anywhere, and i really hope he isn't reading this as i'm about to say this, but maybe it'll go someplace really, really good. i know that it could, and it'd be... epic if it did. he's cute, he's sweet, and he makes me smile. that goes a long way in my book, especially with the events of late. not to mention eric, the guy with the pretty eyes who likes sweeney todd. he's always really nice to me. SPEAKING OF! i almost told taejung today exactly how i felt. i wrote a long note and had tanya read it, and i was really considering it, but then i saw him with kelly ,and i just couldn't. she's a good girl for him - somebody his parents will like, someone his family will accept, she's fucking gorgeous, and she makes him happy. even if i'm not over him, i have to step back on this one. it never hurts to build up karma, right? i don't know, i feel like something out of a goo goo dolls song. obviously, i haven't figured out how to resolve this one, yet.
family - bahaha, my life. my dad wants to fly my sister and i out to wisconsin this summer, to be with him, my brother and his children for a week. FIRST of all, i don't wanna fuckin' go to WI, period, and i don't want to spend a week babysitting my brother's kids while he and my dad work. i love them both, but i'm not babysitting two preteens for free in fucking WISCONSIN. and my mom and sister are CONSTANTLY head to head over work/rent/chores/money/ ETC ETC ETC. No matter what it is, they're fighting. I get caught in the middle and I can't pick a side, so both of them get angry with me. i'm only ONE person, and i've got enough damn problems without them making shit harder.
i'm so fucking stressed.
the only way i know of dealing results in blood and scars and all sorts of bad things, things i haven't done in tree years and am not really looking to begin again, y'know? it's embarrassing, hiding all of that and covering your tracks and showing all the symptoms of an addict,because that's really what you are, and i just can't... i can't do it anymore. i need someone or something to help me deal. and i have no idea where i'll find it.
so, to wrap this shit up:
i know most of you are wondering why i've been so ridiculously honest in all of this, and here's the truth:
i don't care anymore.
if you think i'm weak, fine, go ahead.
if you think i'm crazy, go ahead and do that, as well.
but realize that i AM only human.
the end.
-lily.