Week 9: The Better Half
Think I'm going for a walk now
I feel a little unsteady
I don't want no one to follow me
Except maybe you
Every time I hear the words "better half," I automatically think of this song. "Untouchable Face" by Ani DiFranco.
I could make you happy, you know
If you weren't already
I could do a lot of things
And I do
Tell you the truth I prefer the worst of you
Too bad you had to have a better half
She's not really my type
But I think you two are forever
And I hate to say it, but you're perfect together
And then I think about one of the rare moments that a song made me cry.
I've never been in love. But I've been in such intense like that I felt it could lead there. We weren't dating, but he still knew. There was mutual like, but mine was certainly greater than his. Made obvious by the fact that he was seeing someone else. Since I'm the kind of person that hangs on until there's nothing left (for better or for worse - usually for worse), I didn't really let that deter me. Especially because I thought it wasn't that serious a relationship.
The night I found out I was wrong, this song came on, and I cried. Because I'd allowed myself to be so delusional, to think I still had a shot... I never walk away when I should. I can't get over things. And the fact that I'm writing about this means I probably never will.
So fuck you
And your untouchable face
Fuck you
For existing in the first place
And who am I
That I should be vying for your touch?
Who am I?
Bet you can't even tell me that much
I never mattered as much to him as he did to me. I know that now. We were friends. That was it. And minus all the torture I put myself through, it was a pretty good friendship. But I was angry with him. For being insensitive, for not giving me the consideration I felt he owed me. But why did I feel like that? He wasn't being insensitive. He was living his life. He was doing what made him happy. What kind of person would I be if I wished he hadn't?
I see you and I'm so perplexed
What was I thinking?
What will I think of next?
Where can I hide?
It wasn't the same after that. We were both trying so hard to avoid the giant elephant in the room. I was hurt, feeling guilty that I was hurt, and attempting most valiantly to pretend everything was fine. I was almost...resentful. But he wasn't stupid. He knew something wasn't right.
Trying to stay friends when one person wants more is incredibly difficult and painful. It made me feel selfish and embarrassed, honestly. And I probably lost a great friend because of it when all was said and done.
Not that he'll see this, or it makes a difference, but... I'm sorry I let that get in the way. And even when I thought it wasn't really an issue, it still was. Which was just...dumb. Thank you for being there when I needed you. Thank you for just...being you. Last I heard, everything was going well in your life, and I genuinely hope it still is. No one deserves happiness and success more.
(Disclaimer: If you know me in real life or know me very well online, and you're reading this and have some idea what situation I may be talking about... Please don't name names or ask me about it. This is as candid as I'm willing to be, and I'd appreciate this not being publicized with specifics attached. Thanks.)
I feel a little unsteady
I don't want no one to follow me
Except maybe you
Every time I hear the words "better half," I automatically think of this song. "Untouchable Face" by Ani DiFranco.
I could make you happy, you know
If you weren't already
I could do a lot of things
And I do
Tell you the truth I prefer the worst of you
Too bad you had to have a better half
She's not really my type
But I think you two are forever
And I hate to say it, but you're perfect together
And then I think about one of the rare moments that a song made me cry.
I've never been in love. But I've been in such intense like that I felt it could lead there. We weren't dating, but he still knew. There was mutual like, but mine was certainly greater than his. Made obvious by the fact that he was seeing someone else. Since I'm the kind of person that hangs on until there's nothing left (for better or for worse - usually for worse), I didn't really let that deter me. Especially because I thought it wasn't that serious a relationship.
The night I found out I was wrong, this song came on, and I cried. Because I'd allowed myself to be so delusional, to think I still had a shot... I never walk away when I should. I can't get over things. And the fact that I'm writing about this means I probably never will.
So fuck you
And your untouchable face
Fuck you
For existing in the first place
And who am I
That I should be vying for your touch?
Who am I?
Bet you can't even tell me that much
I never mattered as much to him as he did to me. I know that now. We were friends. That was it. And minus all the torture I put myself through, it was a pretty good friendship. But I was angry with him. For being insensitive, for not giving me the consideration I felt he owed me. But why did I feel like that? He wasn't being insensitive. He was living his life. He was doing what made him happy. What kind of person would I be if I wished he hadn't?
I see you and I'm so perplexed
What was I thinking?
What will I think of next?
Where can I hide?
It wasn't the same after that. We were both trying so hard to avoid the giant elephant in the room. I was hurt, feeling guilty that I was hurt, and attempting most valiantly to pretend everything was fine. I was almost...resentful. But he wasn't stupid. He knew something wasn't right.
Trying to stay friends when one person wants more is incredibly difficult and painful. It made me feel selfish and embarrassed, honestly. And I probably lost a great friend because of it when all was said and done.
Not that he'll see this, or it makes a difference, but... I'm sorry I let that get in the way. And even when I thought it wasn't really an issue, it still was. Which was just...dumb. Thank you for being there when I needed you. Thank you for just...being you. Last I heard, everything was going well in your life, and I genuinely hope it still is. No one deserves happiness and success more.
(Disclaimer: If you know me in real life or know me very well online, and you're reading this and have some idea what situation I may be talking about... Please don't name names or ask me about it. This is as candid as I'm willing to be, and I'd appreciate this not being publicized with specifics attached. Thanks.)