First Time Poster :)
I've made one critique. I know the community calls for 3, but it seems so inactive that I didn't want to comment on something thats over 2 months old. If the powers that be deem it necessary I'll sift through older posts and comment.
This poem is very fresh. I haven't toyed with it much, but I'd like some direction in line breaks and punctuation. I'm also curious to see if you enjoy or hate the alliteration.
*Truck Stop T-Girl*
The neon twitched "Twenty Four Hours"
as taillights
turned brake lights
tires boiled the gravel drive
Sending dust laden steam
soaring
obscuring
the view
of late night tummy rumbling salvation
She bumped the door shut with her backside
and sashayed
her way
to the smoking section
Her fag end flung left to right
hypnotizing haggard truckers
hunkering down
for some crash curing caffeine
"Right on" she said, as I produced a light
to the cigarette a second ago was mine
It drooped
damask stained
between her masculine lips
pursing ever so slightly to keep it in place
Her skin rippled
revealing a veil of concealer
barely camouflaging the bristles blooming
Every spike
exposing her
This poem is very fresh. I haven't toyed with it much, but I'd like some direction in line breaks and punctuation. I'm also curious to see if you enjoy or hate the alliteration.
*Truck Stop T-Girl*
The neon twitched "Twenty Four Hours"
as taillights
turned brake lights
tires boiled the gravel drive
Sending dust laden steam
soaring
obscuring
the view
of late night tummy rumbling salvation
She bumped the door shut with her backside
and sashayed
her way
to the smoking section
Her fag end flung left to right
hypnotizing haggard truckers
hunkering down
for some crash curing caffeine
"Right on" she said, as I produced a light
to the cigarette a second ago was mine
It drooped
damask stained
between her masculine lips
pursing ever so slightly to keep it in place
Her skin rippled
revealing a veil of concealer
barely camouflaging the bristles blooming
Every spike
exposing her