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When I told people I was going to Ohio for vacation, the looks they gave me were grand. But I thought it would be cheap (or preferably "inexpensive"). And when you are a substitute teacher / Highland dance instructor, and you don't have the thousands of dollars it takes to go to the Galapagos, you sometimes just have to settle for places such as Ohio. Besides, you can learn valuable lessons while vacationing in such a place...
Lesson #1
When all you want is a rum and diet coke, do not venture into your hotel's swanky nightclub for a drink, or you'll be tricked into paying a fortune for it. Also, do not let them fool you into thinking that they do not keep menus around because they are a "fine dining" establishment. They are actually just being lazy.
Lesson #2
Reconsider your trip to the zoo if it is planned for the end of the school year. It is not the best of fun to stroll around looking at animals as hundreds of school children on field trips chant, "PO-LAR BEARS! PO-LAR BEARS! We want to see the POL-AR BEARS!"
Lesson #3
Weightlessness is lots of fun, even if you must achieve it by shooting 0 to 120 mph (in 2 seconds) up a 400 ft hill heading straight toward the sky. You will get off of the coaster feeling a bit high and your hair will look like a bat flew into it, got stuck, and battled its way out.
Lesson #4
When a large group of noisy teenagers comes into your hotel at 11:00 pm, do not loudly shout "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" over and over. It doesn't solve anything and it just ends up annoying the other guests.
Lesson #5
Remember to take the "Do Not Disturb" sign off of your door each day or your room will not get cleaned. The first night, you will come back to a dirty room and be slightly annoyed. You will tell yourself to be sure to take the sign off the next morning. Halfway through the next day, while on a secluded island, you will remember that you indeed did NOT remember to take down the sign and your room will once again be dirty when you return that evening.
Lesson #6
If you're considering a visit to a winery that costs money for a tour, forget the tour. Spend all of that "tour" money on 3 or 4 glasses of wine at the bar instead. Better yet, just buy a whole bottle. The only thing you'll have missed out on is seeing a giant crystal geode and tub full of grape juice.
There you go, folks. Now you are ready for vacation.
Lesson #1
When all you want is a rum and diet coke, do not venture into your hotel's swanky nightclub for a drink, or you'll be tricked into paying a fortune for it. Also, do not let them fool you into thinking that they do not keep menus around because they are a "fine dining" establishment. They are actually just being lazy.
Lesson #2
Reconsider your trip to the zoo if it is planned for the end of the school year. It is not the best of fun to stroll around looking at animals as hundreds of school children on field trips chant, "PO-LAR BEARS! PO-LAR BEARS! We want to see the POL-AR BEARS!"
Lesson #3
Weightlessness is lots of fun, even if you must achieve it by shooting 0 to 120 mph (in 2 seconds) up a 400 ft hill heading straight toward the sky. You will get off of the coaster feeling a bit high and your hair will look like a bat flew into it, got stuck, and battled its way out.
Lesson #4
When a large group of noisy teenagers comes into your hotel at 11:00 pm, do not loudly shout "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" over and over. It doesn't solve anything and it just ends up annoying the other guests.
Lesson #5
Remember to take the "Do Not Disturb" sign off of your door each day or your room will not get cleaned. The first night, you will come back to a dirty room and be slightly annoyed. You will tell yourself to be sure to take the sign off the next morning. Halfway through the next day, while on a secluded island, you will remember that you indeed did NOT remember to take down the sign and your room will once again be dirty when you return that evening.
Lesson #6
If you're considering a visit to a winery that costs money for a tour, forget the tour. Spend all of that "tour" money on 3 or 4 glasses of wine at the bar instead. Better yet, just buy a whole bottle. The only thing you'll have missed out on is seeing a giant crystal geode and tub full of grape juice.
There you go, folks. Now you are ready for vacation.