(no subject)
1. Long Time
Ha, it's been a long time since I've posted to this journal. I'm still pretty much in the same mode. I hang out around the house and work around the clock. But this is great because I'm starting to actually build up an sizable savings account. Working around the clock also helps me build my savings because it prevents me from engaging in activities that would incline me to spend my earnings.
I'm feeling a bit frustrated because with the cash that I'm accumulating comes a million ideas of how I'd like to spend it. There are so many enjoyable pursuits I can think of, and last on my list is bottom surgery. But I have to get that taken care of within the next two years. At this point, I think it's reasonable to count on doing it within two years. Yet, I'm pretty frustrated because I just do not feel like doing anything related to the surgery or transitioning in general. I actually have my second wind back for being more sociable and would prefer to pick it back up and hang out with the male friends that I made prior to sort of taking off and disappearing from the face of the earth. Now that I have a consistent flow of income, and I can work from anywhere, I really wouldn't mind going skiing more often or just hanging out at downtown bars more often. But at the same time, I want the bottom surgery behind me before I spend extended amounts of one-to-one time with anyone. I just don't feel like I can be "full on" as a friend with people when I have this big thing hanging over my head.
I don't feel a whole lot of self pity because I kind of understood that sacrifices would have to be made to transition. But it is a bit irritating that things have dragged on for this long. And it also is tough to stay motivated when my spirit for pursuing transition has completely died down. I was very excited about pursuing top surgery, but I think of bottom surgery as a necessary burden. I know that I need it to feel "complete" and that down the road, I'm going to really regret it if I don't take the time to do this soon. But at the same time, I also don't really feel that having the bottom surgery is going to add anything significant to my life either. Top surgery made everything different by allowing me to pass with no effort. But bottom surgery really doesn't do jack crap for me since I don't spend a whole lot of time dealing with that part of my body anyways. It will be like a modification to a part of my body that I've pretty much detached myself from at this point. Like getting a new stereo system for the junk car that sits in the garage collecting dust. Ha, of course if I get a second letter from a shrink, I'm going to have to do the whole script about how this is all vital to my identity as a man. God, I hope the surgeon I end up with lets me do informed consent with the one bottom surgery letter that I obtained from my psychologist prior to graduating college. I think it would just be a complete joke to have to obtain a second letter at this point, and I don't even feel like I could put on the face that's needed to humor another shrink.
But yeah. My biggest challenge right now is just sort of finding a way to overcome my restlessness and frustration. I still have a ton of books around the house that haven't been read and solo hobbies that I've delayed taking up, so I'm hoping I can just refocus my interests on those. I could also combat the frustration by hitting the grindstone with my work. My hope is that I'll be able to save more than I even need for the surgery so that I don't have to wipe out my hard-earned savings for surgery. Now that would be incredibly demoralizing. Yeah, I'm really hoping I can find a way to do something about the costs, either through insurance or some other means, so that I don't have to fucking spend everything I have on these procedures. Maybe I'll have to become a resident of San Francisco temporarily or move to a state that will offer the insurance plan I need to get covered. I'm really open to a lot of different options to get the bottom surgery costs under control.
The one thing that I have on my side is that my work naturally dies down during the winter. So when I do need my surgery, I'll have sort of a "winter break" period where I can pursue the surgery and recover from it without it affecting my ability to do my job. So while I haven't moved "forward" over the last few years in a traditional sense, the one really important accomplishment I made was getting this "work from home" thing to actually work out for me. I got lucky and entered the right partnership, and now things are really looking up. But again, it bothers me that I could do a lot of awesome things with my savings, but I'm probably going to end up just doing more surgery. And I don't even really feel happy about this procedure because it does deal with the part of my anatomy that causes me the most discomfort. I'm really not looking forward to having it poked and prodded, even if it will only be momentary. But realistically, it's going to be another year before I can actually start thinking about all of this in concrete details. What is important until then is that I just keep working and accumulating as much money as possible. Then when I actually have the cash in hand for the procedures I can lament over all the money I'm going to throw down the drain for a procedure I'm not even very excited about.
Ha, it's been a long time since I've posted to this journal. I'm still pretty much in the same mode. I hang out around the house and work around the clock. But this is great because I'm starting to actually build up an sizable savings account. Working around the clock also helps me build my savings because it prevents me from engaging in activities that would incline me to spend my earnings.
I'm feeling a bit frustrated because with the cash that I'm accumulating comes a million ideas of how I'd like to spend it. There are so many enjoyable pursuits I can think of, and last on my list is bottom surgery. But I have to get that taken care of within the next two years. At this point, I think it's reasonable to count on doing it within two years. Yet, I'm pretty frustrated because I just do not feel like doing anything related to the surgery or transitioning in general. I actually have my second wind back for being more sociable and would prefer to pick it back up and hang out with the male friends that I made prior to sort of taking off and disappearing from the face of the earth. Now that I have a consistent flow of income, and I can work from anywhere, I really wouldn't mind going skiing more often or just hanging out at downtown bars more often. But at the same time, I want the bottom surgery behind me before I spend extended amounts of one-to-one time with anyone. I just don't feel like I can be "full on" as a friend with people when I have this big thing hanging over my head.
I don't feel a whole lot of self pity because I kind of understood that sacrifices would have to be made to transition. But it is a bit irritating that things have dragged on for this long. And it also is tough to stay motivated when my spirit for pursuing transition has completely died down. I was very excited about pursuing top surgery, but I think of bottom surgery as a necessary burden. I know that I need it to feel "complete" and that down the road, I'm going to really regret it if I don't take the time to do this soon. But at the same time, I also don't really feel that having the bottom surgery is going to add anything significant to my life either. Top surgery made everything different by allowing me to pass with no effort. But bottom surgery really doesn't do jack crap for me since I don't spend a whole lot of time dealing with that part of my body anyways. It will be like a modification to a part of my body that I've pretty much detached myself from at this point. Like getting a new stereo system for the junk car that sits in the garage collecting dust. Ha, of course if I get a second letter from a shrink, I'm going to have to do the whole script about how this is all vital to my identity as a man. God, I hope the surgeon I end up with lets me do informed consent with the one bottom surgery letter that I obtained from my psychologist prior to graduating college. I think it would just be a complete joke to have to obtain a second letter at this point, and I don't even feel like I could put on the face that's needed to humor another shrink.
But yeah. My biggest challenge right now is just sort of finding a way to overcome my restlessness and frustration. I still have a ton of books around the house that haven't been read and solo hobbies that I've delayed taking up, so I'm hoping I can just refocus my interests on those. I could also combat the frustration by hitting the grindstone with my work. My hope is that I'll be able to save more than I even need for the surgery so that I don't have to wipe out my hard-earned savings for surgery. Now that would be incredibly demoralizing. Yeah, I'm really hoping I can find a way to do something about the costs, either through insurance or some other means, so that I don't have to fucking spend everything I have on these procedures. Maybe I'll have to become a resident of San Francisco temporarily or move to a state that will offer the insurance plan I need to get covered. I'm really open to a lot of different options to get the bottom surgery costs under control.
The one thing that I have on my side is that my work naturally dies down during the winter. So when I do need my surgery, I'll have sort of a "winter break" period where I can pursue the surgery and recover from it without it affecting my ability to do my job. So while I haven't moved "forward" over the last few years in a traditional sense, the one really important accomplishment I made was getting this "work from home" thing to actually work out for me. I got lucky and entered the right partnership, and now things are really looking up. But again, it bothers me that I could do a lot of awesome things with my savings, but I'm probably going to end up just doing more surgery. And I don't even really feel happy about this procedure because it does deal with the part of my anatomy that causes me the most discomfort. I'm really not looking forward to having it poked and prodded, even if it will only be momentary. But realistically, it's going to be another year before I can actually start thinking about all of this in concrete details. What is important until then is that I just keep working and accumulating as much money as possible. Then when I actually have the cash in hand for the procedures I can lament over all the money I'm going to throw down the drain for a procedure I'm not even very excited about.