(no subject)
1. Growing Pains
I think back to who I was when I started my transition, and I really cringe. I actually think that it's only been over the past year, now that I've had a chance to just get away from everything, that I've come into myself and solidified my new identity. But beginning my transition, I was ridiculously insecure and always doing and saying the dumbest things as a way of overcompensating. I now recognize that it's a blessing in disguise that I started my transition in a place where I had the least likelihood of forming lifelong friendships. It really isn't so bad being painfully embarrassing and awkward around people who I don't even know anymore and who aren't even going to remember I exist years down the road.
Life has always had a way of putting me in a position that makes it impossible for me to hold on to close friendships. But now I see that this arrangement was conducive to my growth as a person. If I still lounged around my friends from preschool, as it seems many young freshman entering college at an in-state school do, then I would always be pinned down to the image that my old friends have of me, with little room for growth. This opportunity to retreat from the world has been another great gift, though some of the benefits are slow to arrive. It's amazing to think that just about every day since middle school I've felt constantly judged and bad about myself for not meeting the expectations of others. There was always one thing or another that was "wrong" with me that I worked diligently to change. But when would this have stopped? I actually envy people who are either blind to their faults or who simply don't care to change them. I meet those types often. They have these glaring imperfections yet they don't notice them and the people around them don't call their attention to them. But I'm not like that at all. I find it hard to live down my mistakes and hate making mistakes around others. So I retreat to where I can be imperfect alone.
I think back to who I was when I started my transition, and I really cringe. I actually think that it's only been over the past year, now that I've had a chance to just get away from everything, that I've come into myself and solidified my new identity. But beginning my transition, I was ridiculously insecure and always doing and saying the dumbest things as a way of overcompensating. I now recognize that it's a blessing in disguise that I started my transition in a place where I had the least likelihood of forming lifelong friendships. It really isn't so bad being painfully embarrassing and awkward around people who I don't even know anymore and who aren't even going to remember I exist years down the road.
Life has always had a way of putting me in a position that makes it impossible for me to hold on to close friendships. But now I see that this arrangement was conducive to my growth as a person. If I still lounged around my friends from preschool, as it seems many young freshman entering college at an in-state school do, then I would always be pinned down to the image that my old friends have of me, with little room for growth. This opportunity to retreat from the world has been another great gift, though some of the benefits are slow to arrive. It's amazing to think that just about every day since middle school I've felt constantly judged and bad about myself for not meeting the expectations of others. There was always one thing or another that was "wrong" with me that I worked diligently to change. But when would this have stopped? I actually envy people who are either blind to their faults or who simply don't care to change them. I meet those types often. They have these glaring imperfections yet they don't notice them and the people around them don't call their attention to them. But I'm not like that at all. I find it hard to live down my mistakes and hate making mistakes around others. So I retreat to where I can be imperfect alone.