befuddled by the mystics of cancer
yeah I don't know what's up with the subject, I'm just spouting nonsense. Something troubles me yet again...nameless it is but heard loud and clear. I don't think I'm gonna be able to pay for school eiher. I don't nkow what to do anymore. My mind is falling to pieces. Completely unrelated, I miss Katie all the time. Also for the first time in my life there are women who not only like me, but wanna just have sex with me. And part of me wants to just run rampant and be the college guy. Technically it's alright for me to do so, cause me and katie aren't going out...but it's not worth the risk of losing my chance with her. She's so great, she's difficult sometimes, and she can be a bit closed off sometimes. But I can't really talk. She knows a bit about my past, but I have told her the worst of it all, and there's still so much I keep from her emotionally. I try to be open with her but I can't force myself to let her see the way I feel in fear of being hurt. Eh, and not going to be able to see her for a month or two sucks. I know there are people that have it worse, but bite me, think how you felt after not seeing the person for 2 months, not as bad as you are now...but it's still not something to wish on someone. I don't think I'm gonna try for anything anymore. I think if it happens then it happens and tha'ts the way it's gonna be. If it comes up that a girl tries something and I feel to go with it...i will. and if I feel like I can't...I won't. And we'll juse see how it works. I don't think it's gonna work out that I'll do it...but to not think about it and decide to just let it happen makes it easier in my mind. My guitar is out of tune and I can't play it like that, it hurts me in a way. You musicians out there can understand. I tried tuning by ear, and it doesn't work cause the strings are old and I need new ones. They've gone, flat I guess is the term. And they don't hit the tones they should as easily. So I haven't been playing lately, I'm forgetting stuff I learned. Oh and th eother reason i can't tune it is no tuner...so it's by ear, or not at all. It's usually out of tune...but in tune to itself, just a little high or low. That I can dealwith. So in recent poles...it's against the law to kill people...and that's good. For them. School is garbage and family is worse. And on that note. I'm thinking I'm fallin for Katie...like really falling. That scares me...we'll know when it comes to telling her what I remembered a year or two ago. Ahh, that was a fun time, that memory fucked me up. Another note on the not being open with her, on a plus, I'm always willing to answer her questions about my past. If she asks i tell, and I don't hold back, atleast I haven' yet. ::sigh:: I just want to be held by her. and i wanna hit stef keat with a bat for being a stupid mightier than though bitch. and I wanna put a fork in my brain for not shutting up with things I don't need or want to remember.