aqshdkahld
By around this time next year, I would probably be relishing the last months of senior year in college. Hopefully, the things on my college bucket list would have been accomplished by then. It's funny how I still can't believe that literally, next year, I'm finally graduating (fingers crossed) from the portals of the Ateneo - a school that I have come to love and believe in with all of my heart, despite its loopholes and ass-cracking bullsh*t that I have to put up with from time to time.
Being the youngest in my family, it's hard to constantly be on my feet, trying to persuade my parents and older siblings that having allowed me to study away from home was the right decision all along. Their investment in me is huge, and like they all say, to whom much has been given, much is also expected. But honestly, sometimes, it gets me thinking... am I really worth it? Do I justify the pains and frustrations of their hardwork? Will I be able to make them contented enough to scream to the world "Hey, that's our daughter (or sister), and she's making us goddamn proud!"
I've always been stubborn and a little on the subversive side, but somehow, at the back of my mind, I always knew that the line that would pull me from totally wrecking myself up is my love for and fear of failing my family. I hate rejection, and I dread failure, but if it doesn't concern my family, I always end up picking up the broken pieces better than what I usually expect. But when it comes to my family, I just breathe fragility. It's more or less like tragic dream where you see and feel yourself painfully stepping on the shattered debris and wake up realizing that your feet are bloody, that what happened was actually true. I mean, seriously, do you even get what I'm trying to say? I'm not claiming I have a perfect family, because we're a far cry from that, but all I'm saying is that my greatest weakness is my family. In all honesty, I think that my relationship with my siblings and parents are on the superficial level. Sure, we talk, yes, but we never really get down to talking about what it is that bothers us the most. It's as if opening my heart to them is illegal and taboo. And it really makes me sad to think about it. It's hard always trying to get your family's approval, you know. It's as if all your life, you're stuck in a labyrinth, trying to find your way out to finally be able to breathe, but then you realize that you've been running in circles the whole while. And it sucks. Big time.
Will having me finish college lessen their burden? Will returning home after four years of being away ease their pain on the nights that they couldn't sleep thinking about how my life is like here? Will my diploma finally allow them relieved sighs, after bouts of stress-induced headaches? Will I finally be able to make them realize that all this time, I've been braving everything for them? I miss home, I miss them, but I don't know if they even know that.
(Or maybe it's just stress that's making me fret.)
Being the youngest in my family, it's hard to constantly be on my feet, trying to persuade my parents and older siblings that having allowed me to study away from home was the right decision all along. Their investment in me is huge, and like they all say, to whom much has been given, much is also expected. But honestly, sometimes, it gets me thinking... am I really worth it? Do I justify the pains and frustrations of their hardwork? Will I be able to make them contented enough to scream to the world "Hey, that's our daughter (or sister), and she's making us goddamn proud!"
I've always been stubborn and a little on the subversive side, but somehow, at the back of my mind, I always knew that the line that would pull me from totally wrecking myself up is my love for and fear of failing my family. I hate rejection, and I dread failure, but if it doesn't concern my family, I always end up picking up the broken pieces better than what I usually expect. But when it comes to my family, I just breathe fragility. It's more or less like tragic dream where you see and feel yourself painfully stepping on the shattered debris and wake up realizing that your feet are bloody, that what happened was actually true. I mean, seriously, do you even get what I'm trying to say? I'm not claiming I have a perfect family, because we're a far cry from that, but all I'm saying is that my greatest weakness is my family. In all honesty, I think that my relationship with my siblings and parents are on the superficial level. Sure, we talk, yes, but we never really get down to talking about what it is that bothers us the most. It's as if opening my heart to them is illegal and taboo. And it really makes me sad to think about it. It's hard always trying to get your family's approval, you know. It's as if all your life, you're stuck in a labyrinth, trying to find your way out to finally be able to breathe, but then you realize that you've been running in circles the whole while. And it sucks. Big time.
Will having me finish college lessen their burden? Will returning home after four years of being away ease their pain on the nights that they couldn't sleep thinking about how my life is like here? Will my diploma finally allow them relieved sighs, after bouts of stress-induced headaches? Will I finally be able to make them realize that all this time, I've been braving everything for them? I miss home, I miss them, but I don't know if they even know that.
(Or maybe it's just stress that's making me fret.)